Saturday, September 03, 2016

The Vikings have traded for Sam Bradford. The trade includes a first round draft pick and a guy who vaguely looks like Ryan Reynolds to be named later.

In San Francisco, they still have not found the man who bit off a bartender’s finger. They brought in a lineup of suspects, but the bartender could not point out the culprit.

You have to hand it to the suspect for not getting caught.

The suspect is described as young, with dark hair and a biting wit. 

When asked why a stranger would bite off his finger, the bartender was stumped. 

You would think the police would have a lead considering they started with a hot tip. 

It was ironic because the bartender was about to cut him off. 

“Guys, if you’re thinking of dating Ann Coulter the good news is there is a 100 percent chance you will not get an STD. But there is a 100% chance you will get freezer burn. 

Rescue workers in Italy found a golden retriever named Romeo alive nine days after being trapped in the rubble of the earthquake. In addition to being alive and well, Romeo did not have to hear about Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton for nine days. 

A 5.6 earthquake hit Oklahoma. It was bad. At the University of Oklahoma, it actually shook some football players into a classroom. 

The founder of Latinos for Trump, Marco Gutierrez, warned if we don’t check illegal immigrants, we could have a taco truck on every corner. We’re still waiting to hear the downside. 

An aide to Hillary Clinton claims they lost a laptop full of Hillary’s email in the mail. They said they lost it in the mail because they did not have a big enough dog available to say it eat it. 

Donald Trump spoke at a church in Detroit about racial unity. In an equally absurd scenario, Keith Richards spoke at an L. A. gym about the importance of discipline and exercise. 

Friday, September 02, 2016

Hillary Clinton’s team claims they lost a laptop full of her emails in the US mail. Now, thanks to the Clintons, the three biggest lies are, “We will cooperate fully with the investigation, the laptop is in the mail, and I won’t stain your blue dress.” 

Since you asked:

Greta Lee is a graduate of the great Northwestern University drama department. Northwestern’s drama graduates are not just famous, David Schwimmer, Zach Braff, Shelly Long, Megan Mullally, Seth Meyers to name a few, but what is more impressive is their loyalty and praise of their alma mater. 

My mother worked at the Northwester graduate school of Kellogg in the Not-For-Profit department, and she was always impressed at how much the famous actors gave back to their school in terms of time, fundraising and praise and credit. 

Just how many times do we have to say do not pee on our shoes and tell us it is raining, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

A shirtless Rhode Island man opened fire on his neighbor's home using corncobs and a potato gun. Authorities are entertaining the concept that alcohol may have been involved. 

A frost in France could cause a Champagne shortage. Threats from Bernie Sanders and now this? Haven’t the one percenters suffered enough? 

Colin Kaepernick did get booed at the Forty Niner-Chargers game, but it was not unanimous. Only 14 out of the 16 people there booed him.

Did you see Colin Kaepernick’s Afro during the Forty Niner-Charger game? Makes sense. Kaepernick’s adopted name, Kaepernick, is German for Quest Love.

A sperm donor in Georgia who has fathered 32 children admitted he lied about his high IQ. Although a guy who makes a living masturbating can’t be all that stupid.

Donald Trump went from sucking up to Mexico to hardening his stance on Mexican immigrants. This guy flip flops more than an Anthony Weiner dick-pic. 

An early frost in France could cause a Champagne shortage. Seriously, when is Beyonce going to catch a break?

Chik-Fil-A is going to a healthier menu with quinoa and kale. It is all part of Chik-Fil-A’s new menu, “We May Hate Gays, But We Love What Gays Eat.” 

During the Forty Niner-Charger game, Colin Kaepernick was booed mercilessly. At this point the only thing Kaepernick can do is change his name to Bruce.

Thursday, September 01, 2016

Greta Lee. The discerning man on a budget's Olivia Munn
The first debate between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump is less than a month away and everyone has the same question: What the hell is going on between Drake and Rihanna? 

Melania Trump is suing “The Daily Mail” for $150 mil. for reporting she was a prostitute. “The Daily Mail” countered with an offer of $500. When an outraged Melania asked, “What do you think I am?” "The Daily Mail” said, “We reported what you are, we’re just negotiating the price.” 

(Classic Winnie Churchill myth revised for this joke) 

It was awkward watching Donald Trump try and pander to the Mexican crowd. He opened his speech with “Hola Los Murderers and Los Rapists.” 

The US now doubts Russia killed ISIS spokesperson, Mohammad al-Adnani. First of all, Putin hasn’t even denied killing him.  

Donald Trump went to Mexico and spoke with President Peña Nieto, but they disagree over what was said about paying for the wall. Nieto said Mexico will not pay for it. And Trump said, “Hell, I never pay workers anyway.” 

Several observers of Donald Trump’s speech in Mexico commented Trump appeared whacked-out on pills. For example he called for Pink Floyd to build the wall. 

It was three years ago on this date Kim Jong Un had a girlfriend executed from making a sex tape. And how do we introduce him to the Kardashians? 

Ryan Lochte has a new endorsement deal with a crime prevention device. Apparently you pull a pin and the device screams: “Douche Alert! Douche Alert! Douche Alert!” 

After his third sexting scandal, Anthony Weiner’s wife, Huma Abedin, left him. It was the most famous case of a woman cutting off a Weiner since John Wayne Bobbitt. 

Hillary Clinton has a 56% unfavorable rating and Trump’s is even higher. This is the election between the fat, smelly bully and the teacher’s pet who reminds the teacher to assign homework. 

A study claims dogs comprehend our words far more than we previously thought. For example, when we repeatedly say to a dog, “Who’s a good dog? Who’s a good dog?” The dog thinks, “Wow, my human really is an idiot.” 

For example, when we say to a dog, “Was dis my widdle puppy wuppers?” The dog thinks, “Oh no, my human had a stroke.” 

Patriot QB Tom Brady’s new floppy hair style is getting hammered by trolls on the Internet. I believe the name of Tom’s hairstyle is “I Sleep with Giselle and You Don’t.” 

Since you asked:

Saw “Sisters” with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. Not great, but then that could be due to the fact I have such high expectations for Tina and Amy. I could not be a bigger fan. They have had “Weekend Update” segments on “SNL” that were funnier. 

“Sisters” has some amazingly funny throwaway lines. And you have to admire their giving a shot to underrated great comedians like Paula Pell who wrote it and Greta Lee, who, like her co-stars on “Inside Amy Schumer,” deserve way more credit than they are getting. 

Did love how Pell, a lesbian, let fly with the lesbian jokes. And the always amazing Kate McKinnon delivers. 

Great cast, but one of the main plot lines centers around a penis drawing on the wall. So . . . 

"Sisters" got 60% on "Rotten Tomatoes" but it was a weak 60. The rotten reviews were firm. The tomato reviews hedged like crazy. 
"Well, it is Tina and Amy so let's give it the benefit . . . " 

Watching “Sisters” is like eating a Cinnabon. You don’t buy one thinking eating it will help your goal of winning a gold medal in the Olympic Decathlon. And once you start eating it, it is kind of hard to finish, but you do it anyway.

Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Ryan Lochte has a new endorsement deal with a crime prevention device. Apparently the device prevents stupid people from going to Rio.

Hillary Clinton will probably be elected president and she now has a 56% unfavorable rating. And that is better than Trump. This is officially “The Leper With The Most Fingers” election.

Scientist claim they have picked up a strong signal from outer space. They have deciphered the signal and it says, “Trump? Hillary? Seriously?” 

"Errrrmerrrgerrrrd. Just had a bowerrrrrl movement and I think I clorrrged the terrrrlettt." 

Lynyrd Skynyrd - Tuesday's Gone

At a South Carolina track meet, a 100-year-old woman set an age group record for 100 meters. When asked her secret, she said, since she was a kid, she always just imagines being chased by Larry King.

A study reveals dogs comprehend human speech far better than we thought. In fact, when it comes to understanding human speech, dogs scored somewhere between a Lochte and a Trump. 

Ryan Lochte, Vanilla Ice and former Gov. Rick Perry will be on this season’s “Dancing with the Stars.” Clearly it’s not “Dancing with the Star Students.” 

Since you asked:

Going back to high school was without a doubt the bat-poop craziest time of year. The emotions were not just mixed, they were thrown in a giant cement mixer during a 7.5 earthquake. 

You were cataclysmically bummed the summer was over. But truth is, you were getting kind of bored, and you were just the tiniest bit glad the summer is over. 

Football double session practices started a couple weeks ago, so that was insane all by itself. At the start of double sessions, god looked at his calendar and said, “Oops, time to jack up the thermostat to 99 and the humidity to 90%.” Two weeks later things we're cooling down and there was a hint of Fall in the air.

Never started the school year with a girlfriend, so it was so exciting to see what cute girls were in your classes. And also exciting to see which one of your friends were in your classes, but mostly which cute girls. OK, it was all which cute girls were in your class.

Everything is so fresh and new. Your parents sprung for new duds. The only time I was not behind in school work was the fist week of class. Your notebooks have no doodles on them, your assignment notebook has all of its pages. 

This exciting period starts to taper off but lasts until Halloween. 

This time is sharply contrasted by the high school life equivalent of The Battle of Moscow. Returning to school after Christmas break. 

It is my hope Colin Kaepernick gets another chance to play in the NFL. In addition, I also hope Hope Solo gets another chance to play for the USA Soccer. 

I doubt either will.

Kaepernick could play again, but it would take a public relations recovery along the lines of Martha Stewart or a dead Richard Nixon. 

Hope Solo solved too many of USWNT’s problems at once. She shot her mouth off for the tenth time right at the time her play is clearly diminishing. Birds. Two of them. One stone. 

Normally Hope would deserve a chance to play out the Autumn of her career. But everyone knows there is zero chance she would not shoot off her mouth again, so, to assure that won’t happen, she is done. 

Tuesday, August 30, 2016

We at a.L.b.b. have been leaked some of the new features of the iPhone 7 and, well, they are pretty amazing.

You do not need to recharge it.

It is virtually unbreakable.

You cannot lose it.

It cannot be hacked.

It cannot cause a car accident.

All the features have been streamlined into one easy, user-friendly mode.

There is no data charge.  

And. . .

Here . . . 

It . . .

Is . . . 

Monday, August 29, 2016

Mongo -- If You Shoot Him, You'll Just Make Him Mad

Once again, Anthony Weiner, sexted a picture of himself to another woman and now his wife, Huma Abedin, is getting a divorce. Anthony Weiner could not be more aptly named if he was Seymour Dickpics. 

That is a shame because if there is one thing a woman should learn who works so closely with Hillary Clinton, is that, once a man gets caught cheating, they never do it again.

It is that time of year when Fantasy Football starts and new teams have to come up with names. Here are my suggestions: 

Hope Solo’s Sportsmanship

Colin’s Sideline Recliner. 

Lochte’s Whopper

And, finally,

Weiner’s 69th Weiner Text

Sunday, August 28, 2016

Forty Niner QB, Colin Kaepernick, refuses to stand during the National Anthem. He tries to stand, but his offensive line keeps letting in people who knock him down. 

The Playboy Mansion has been purchased by the heir to the Hostess fortune. One is the home of cream-filled Twinkies and the other is Hostess. 

What do you get when you combine “Game of Thrones” Jon Snow and Colin Kaepernick? You get a guy who will not stand for disloyalty or the National Anthem.

The Playboy Mansion sold to the heir of the Hostess fortune, but they cannot move in until 90-year-old Hugh Hefner is dead. This explains the trucks delivering free Twinkies to the Playboy Mansion. 

Here is Colin Kaepernick rollin' with his homeys in the 'hood