Wednesday, August 31, 2016

At a South Carolina track meet, a 100-year-old woman set an age group record for 100 meters. When asked her secret, she said, since she was a kid, she always just imagines being chased by Larry King.

A study reveals dogs comprehend human speech far better than we thought. In fact, when it comes to understanding human speech, dogs scored somewhere between a Lochte and a Trump. 

Ryan Lochte, Vanilla Ice and former Gov. Rick Perry will be on this season’s “Dancing with the Stars.” Clearly it’s not “Dancing with the Star Students.” 

Since you asked:

Going back to high school was without a doubt the bat-poop craziest time of year. The emotions were not just mixed, they were thrown in a giant cement mixer during a 7.5 earthquake. 

You were cataclysmically bummed the summer was over. But truth is, you were getting kind of bored, and you were just the tiniest bit glad the summer is over. 

Football double session practices started a couple weeks ago, so that was insane all by itself. At the start of double sessions, god looked at his calendar and said, “Oops, time to jack up the thermostat to 99 and the humidity to 90%.” Two weeks later things we're cooling down and there was a hint of Fall in the air.

Never started the school year with a girlfriend, so it was so exciting to see what cute girls were in your classes. And also exciting to see which one of your friends were in your classes, but mostly which cute girls. OK, it was all which cute girls were in your class.

Everything is so fresh and new. Your parents sprung for new duds. The only time I was not behind in school work was the fist week of class. Your notebooks have no doodles on them, your assignment notebook has all of its pages. 

This exciting period starts to taper off but lasts until Halloween. 

This time is sharply contrasted by the high school life equivalent of The Battle of Moscow. Returning to school after Christmas break. 

It is my hope Colin Kaepernick gets another chance to play in the NFL. In addition, I also hope Hope Solo gets another chance to play for the USA Soccer. 

I doubt either will.

Kaepernick could play again, but it would take a public relations recovery along the lines of Martha Stewart or a dead Richard Nixon. 

Hope Solo solved too many of USWNT’s problems at once. She shot her mouth off for the tenth time right at the time her play is clearly diminishing. Birds. Two of them. One stone. 

Normally Hope would deserve a chance to play out the Autumn of her career. But everyone knows there is zero chance she would not shoot off her mouth again, so, to assure that won’t happen, she is done.