Saturday, August 06, 2016

The Hoda and Meredith Slip & Slide

At the Rio Olympics Opening Ceremony, did you see the muscled and handsome oiled up shirtless Tonga flag bearer? I thought Hoda Kotb and Meredith Viera were going to qualify for the 200 meters to get at him first.  

Hey, Skipper, arrrrrr.

The first sport of the Olympics has begun: making fun of the team uniforms of the other countries. 

First of all, the US look like gay, preppie pirates. 

Aussie, Aussie, oy vey, oy vey, oy vey

Australia looked like they took time out from scooping ice cream at the Indiana state fair of 1930.

Croatia looked like somebody should be serving a plate of lasagna on top of them.

Angus Young carries the flag for Britain

Great Britain looked like they were about to rip the lead guitar chord from AC-DC’s “All Night Long.” 

Germany looked like computer hackers. All that was missing was the vaporizer. 

Russia looked like the valet parkers at a beach volleyball tournament.

P.S. At the Rio Opening Ceremonies, I saw US basketball’s Draymond Green marching while taking a selfie. Happy to report his fly was zipped.

Friday, August 05, 2016

In a speech in Wisconsin, Donald Trump finally endorsed Paul Ryan and John McCain. His speech was titled “Putting the toothpaste back into the tube.” 

Following the female-remake of “Ghostbusters” Rebel Wilson is set to do a female remake of “Dirty Rotten Scoundrels.” Personally, I can’t wait for the female remake of “The Rosie O'Donnell Story.”

Rio police arrested a Moroccan boxer for trying to rape two Brazilian maids. Upon hearing this, Donald Trump said, “Two Brazilian? That’s way more than Bill Cosby.”   

In Mass., a 90-year-old man was arrested for soliciting a prostitute. And that, folks, is exactly what is wrong with this country. They should give a 90-year-old man a medal for trying to hire a hooker. 

At the Rio Olympics, the US men’s basketball team is staying on a luxury cruise ship and many of the players were seen partying in a high-end brothel. Apparently their coach is Charlie Sheen.

A bunch of the US men’s basketball team were caught partying at a high-end brothel. They said they thought they were in a spa. They should have suspected they weren't in a spa when they handed them a towel and a girl came wrapped inside of it.

I don't want to say things are going bad at the Olympics, but Rio's Christ the Redeemer statue just went from this:

To this:

The IOC and the US men’s and women’s basketball team have opted to stay on cruise ships rather than the Rio Olympic village. You know the Olympic Village is bad when people are willing to take their chances with karaoke night, a midnight buffet and the Norovirus instead. 

Today is the Opening Ceremony of the Rio Olympics. It will be touching when all the athletes reach out and pump the giant Purell dispenser. 

The only good news at the Rio Olympics is that the mosquitoes with the Zika virus have opted to stay in cruise ships instead of the Olympic Village. 

Baby Has Amazing Reaction To Grandpa's Roar

Come back into the party . . . we're singing Happy Birthday...

Sure, I am not a handsome movie star dating Katy Perry, but at least I can stand up on a stand up paddle board (That's what you take from this, Lex?) 

Thursday, August 04, 2016

A study claims flossing is not as effective as they thought. Some might use this as an excuse not to floss, but it doesn’t matter what some study says, I am going to keep on telling my dentist I floss. 

In Mass., a 90-year-old man was arrested for soliciting a prostitute. When something like this happens, you have to ask: where are the parents? 

The state motto of Mass. is: Ense petit placidam sub libertate quietem. Which means: With Viagra all things are possible. 

When asked why he hired a prostitute, the 90-year-old man said, “It was 7 PM and Betty White was not coming in my front door.” 

After totaling her Rolls Royce, Kris Jenner had a new Rolls Royce delivered on a truck in a glass case. And yet I tell the grocery store the tap on my box of wine leaked and I’m out of luck. 

Donald Trump's Public Relations Director could not be happier with how things are going

Errrrrrrrr merrrrrrrrrrrrrrr geerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrd

The IOC announced it will add surfing to the 2020 Tokyo Olympics. That is amazing. I did not know surfers knew how to bribe.

Now the Olympic motto will be: “Faster, Higher, Stronger, Gnarlier.” 

A British dentist claims flossing is not all that beneficial. In a related story, a French hygienist said body odor is sexy and an Italian military expert said retreating is brave. 

The British dentist went on to add four out of five of his patients don’t even floss their five or six remaining teeth. 

Pokemon Go was just launched in the Olympic Village. “That is great news,” said the 10,000 hot athletes too busy training and having sex to play Pokemon Go.

Donald Trump’s latest poll numbers are bad. To give you an idea how bad, Trump only used the word huge to describe them five times.

The slogan for the Rio Olympics is “Live Your Passion.” Much better than the first idea: “Does This Look Infected To You?” 

Kris Jenner broke her wrist in a car accident near her home. She’s under doctor’s orders not to do anything. She’s been practicing her whole life. 

It’s tough, Kris will have to call her butler, chef, driver, maid and personal assistant with the other hand. 

The slogan for the Rio Olympics is “Live Your Passion.” Much better than the first idea: “Cincuenta Dolares a Largo Tiempo” which means “50 dollars long-time.”

The slogan for the Rio Olympics is “Live Your Passion.” Much better than the first idea: “Drink this, it will kill the bacteria.” 

The slogan for the Rio Olympics is “Live Your Passion.” Much better than the first idea: “You Might Want To Wear Two Condoms.” 

The slogan for the Rio Olympics is “Live Your Passion.” Much better than the first idea: “There’s diarrhea and then there’s diarrheeeeeeea. ” 

A new theory has popped up on why Donald Trump will not release his tax returns.  Four words: Russian Goat Porn Revenue.  

Wednesday, August 03, 2016

Word is the opening ceremonies of the Rio Olympics will be very Brazilian. In fact, we have not seen anything this Brazilian since Melania Trump was on the cover of “The New York Post.”

Reports from Rio are workers are scrambling to finish construction before the opening ceremonies. Some Brazilian workers at lunch are even forgoing their second bottle of wine before their siesta. 

The Run Silent Hunt For Red U571 Crimson Tide

Donald Trump’s campaign is at that contractually obligatory moment in every submarine movie where the captain is under siege so badly from depth charges, that he has no choice but to bring the sub below the maximum allowable depth. 

The crew is sweating profusely while inexplicably wearing leather jackets - even if it is a 20 billion-dollar nuclear powered ship which should be able to control the temperature -  they all eye the depth gauge in terror as the arrow passes well past the red line. 

One at a time, bolts explode off of the pipes from the pressure and zing across the cabin like bullets and water shoots out from their newly vacated spot. (Which secretly has to feel good sweating in those leather jackets) The glass on the depth gage shatters.

Not a good sign.

There is no choice but to stuff the torpedo tubes with oil and garbage and the odd dead body and release them to the surface in the hopes the captain of the destroyer shelling them is the only person who has not seen this trick in a submarine movie before. 

Key & Peele - Substitute Teacher

                      Where funny goes into genius

Tuesday, August 02, 2016

Jordan Rodgers, younger brother of NFL-great, Aaron Rodgers, was picked by JoJo on “The Bachelorette.” Aaron and Jordan don’t speak. Just like how Jordan and JoJo will be in a year.

Sure, things are rosie now they are engaged in Tahiti, but let’s see after Jordan’s “Not a football player” checks stop coming in and she grows tired of the “Mrs. Jimmy Christ” title. 

Rumors abound of Donald Trump’s financial ties to Russia. When asked if Trump would disclose his Russian ties, Trump’s accountant said, “Nyet. I mean, not yet.” 

Eric Trump issued in insanely insensitive comment about his sister, Ivanka, inferring the victims of sexual harassment chose to let it happen. “Yeah,” said Bill Cosby

Is it just me, or does Eric Trump look like every coke-snorting Wall Street d-bag in every “80’s movie? 

Since you asked:

Donald Trump - who had five deferments during Vietnam and insulted POW John McCain for getting captured and who just finished insulting Gold Star parents the Khans - just accepted a Purple Heart from a Vet. 

At some point, Trump’s P.R. director has to feel like Sonny at the Causeway in the “The Godfather.” 

Monday, August 01, 2016

I busted the jute-ah-box, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

NBA star, Draymond Green, apologized for posting a penis pic on Snapchat. This brings the official total  of times it has been a good idea to post a penis-pic on social media to: Zero. 

A skydiver set a record by jumping 25,000 feet without a parachute into a net. He first got the idea of jumping out of a plane without a parachute when he flew Spirit Airlines.

Kim Kardashian said she would like more privacy. This from a woman whose gynecologist is on retainer with “The National Enquirer.” 

Donald Trump said Vladimir Putin would never attack the Ukraine. Putin attacked Crimea two years ago. But of course Trump never thought Melania would have her Netherlands invaded by “The New York Post” either. 

“The New York Post” has a girl-on-girl picture featuring Melania Trump. Trump told Melania that was not what he meant when he said we should run for president and lick Bush. 

Two years ago, Jon Bon Jovi and Donald Trump were interested in buying the Buffalo Bills. Bon Jovi and Trump even collaborated on a song about it. “Living on a Prayer With Bad Hair.” 

A skydiver set a record by jumping 25,000 feet without a parachute into a net. He first got the idea of jumping out of a plane without a parachute when he saw Jeb Bush’s campaign. 

Sunday, July 31, 2016

NBA star, Draymond Green, apologized for sending out a penis-pic on Snapchat. That reminds me, I wonder what former LA Clipper owner, Donald Sterling, is up to?

Impressive, but Melania still has the default expression of someone on a plane who just discovered someone farted in first class. 

Not to go into detail, but the Rio Olympics aren't the only thing Brazilian. 

TV caught the Ray’s Steve Pearce urinating with the dugout bathroom door open. Although embarrassing, the good news is Pearce has picked up an endorsement deal with Flomax. 

If that wasn’t embarrassing enough, Pearce could become the first baseball player ever charged with double-dribbling. 

Even I thought it was a little crass when the announcer accused Pearce of choking up. 

There is no truth to the rumor that Pearce may be traded to Boston for a Pisser-to-be-named-later. 

Donald Trump said the NFL sent him a letter complaining about the Fall debate dates, but the NFL has flatly denied it. Even Tom Brady thinks Trump is inflating that claim.

46-year-old Melania Trump’s speech had parts plagiarized, now her college degree is fake. When asked if these are liabilities, Donald Trump said, “Holy crap, she’s 46? Since when?” 

Donald Trump refuses to pay a Virginia hotel bill because the room was too hot. Donald Trump not paying due to hot air is like garbage suing a dumpster because it smells funny. 

ESPN reports there will be 450,000 condoms handed out to the 10,000 Olympic athletes at Rio. The Olympic motto has just been changed from “Faster, Higher, Stronger,” to “Hey. U Up?”

Convicted dog-fighter, Michael Vick, has become a free agent. To put it in ironic literary terms: the hound is loose.

Since you asked:

In light of Donald Trump lying about getting a letter from the NFL about the debate schedule, I think it merits keeping in mind the saga of Donald Trump’s fake Public Relations guy, John Miller. 

To review, Donald Trump, impersonating as his own PR flunky, John Miller, would falsify business, as well as sexual conquests, to the press. (In this lone move, Trump took hypocrisy, lying and self-aggrandizing to new humping-alligators-in-sewers depths)

In other words, Donald Trump would lie about who he was so he could lie about about dates with hot celebrities and giant business deals all of which were also lies within lies about lies. 

Lying is as integral a part of Donald Trump’s personality as is blue eye-shadow, shouting and pointing his stubby fingers. 

Many, many things are going horribly wrong for Donald Trump right now and about the only things that aren’t going wrong for Trump are Trump’s poll numbers. They keep going up.  

Without any doubt, Trump’s largest asset is the value of his brand name. By inflating the influence and worth of the name Trump, Trump has made a fortune. The over-valuation of the name Trump is incalculable. That iconic brand over-valuation could be worth a billion dollars or more. 

And you don't need to be a billionaire to know over-valuation can turn into nothing in less than one hour.

Because the famous Donald Trump is both a bully and a cheapskate, he has been able to con people to work for him for free. Even Trump can make money on real estate if he doesn’t pay for the design, construction, material or the labor.

(It is worth repeating, Donald Trump is being sued by waiters and bartenders of his hotel Trump SoHo for stealing their tips. It is one thing not to tip, it is an entire new low to steal tips. On this scam, Ivanka put the ‘Ho in Trump SoHo)

The end days of Trump being able to rip-off people, from architects to skilled craftsmen to lowly busboys and waiters - like I was - is nigh. With fresh light being shed on the hundreds and hundreds of liens and lawsuits against Trump, and Bloomberg's public undressing, anyone who gets ripped-off by Trump now has only themselves to blame.

(As I am sure you may have guessed, freelance comedy writing is a veritable license to print the lettuce, but even I would ask for cash upfront if Trump hired me as a speech writer. And yes, I would take the job in a second...) 

Anyone who wants to know how quickly and badly a bad character can destroy the value of a brand name? Look no further than the extreme examples of OJ Simpson, Jared from Subway, Mel Gibson, Rob Blagojevich, Bill Cosby, Paula Deen, Lance Armstrong, Lenny Dykstra or Bernie Madoff. And Lenny isn't that bad.

(Granted, Trump is not in their category . . .  yet, but admit it, it is juicy, fun and poetic justice when a criminally awful jerk not only gets exposed, but has their image ruined in the process)

Donald Trump has lied, sexually harassed, he has said racist things, he has ripped-off, he has stolen, he has cheated, he has intentionally set out to ruin countless people's lives for spite. 

But Donald Trump’s poll numbers are still big. Huge. And that, apparently, is enough for many people. 

Margo Robbie from “Suicide Squad” is scary beautiful. Saw her on “Fallon.” She seems talented and deserving of her crazy success from what I can see.

But . . . 

The poor thing took five days off in Hawaii and - get ready for some serious unfairness - she was  . . followed. . . by . . .  photographers. (Let the gravity of that horror sink in) 

How do these celebrities find the courage and strength to fight these cruel injustices? Sadly, most of us will never know . . . 

How would I sum up the RNC? Unlike their top speaker, Ted Cruz, at least Scott “Chachi” Baio endorsed their candidate. 

However wins this election will be the person who can convince the most Americans they, as president, will come down the hardest on ISIS. Not Muslims. Not radical Muslims. ISIS. Period. 

Maybe it was his at once vicious and cowardly attack of a grieving Gold Star Mother, but, in my opinion, a corner has been turned and the gloves are off on Trump. Hell, even “The Simpsons” are in.