Sunday, July 31, 2016

TV caught the Ray’s Steve Pearce urinating with the dugout bathroom door open. Although embarrassing, the good news is Pearce has picked up an endorsement deal with Flomax. 

If that wasn’t embarrassing enough, Pearce could become the first baseball player ever charged with double-dribbling. 

Even I thought it was a little crass when the announcer accused Pearce of choking up. 

There is no truth to the rumor that Pearce may be traded to Boston for a Pisser-to-be-named-later. 

Donald Trump said the NFL sent him a letter complaining about the Fall debate dates, but the NFL has flatly denied it. Even Tom Brady thinks Trump is inflating that claim.

46-year-old Melania Trump’s speech had parts plagiarized, now her college degree is fake. When asked if these are liabilities, Donald Trump said, “Holy crap, she’s 46? Since when?” 

Donald Trump refuses to pay a Virginia hotel bill because the room was too hot. Donald Trump not paying due to hot air is like garbage suing a dumpster because it smells funny. 

ESPN reports there will be 450,000 condoms handed out to the 10,000 Olympic athletes at Rio. The Olympic motto has just been changed from “Faster, Higher, Stronger,” to “Hey. U Up?”

Convicted dog-fighter, Michael Vick, has become a free agent. To put it in ironic literary terms: the hound is loose.

Since you asked:

In light of Donald Trump lying about getting a letter from the NFL about the debate schedule, I think it merits keeping in mind the saga of Donald Trump’s fake Public Relations guy, John Miller. 

To review, Donald Trump, impersonating as his own PR flunky, John Miller, would falsify business, as well as sexual conquests, to the press. (In this lone move, Trump took hypocrisy, lying and self-aggrandizing to new humping-alligators-in-sewers depths)

In other words, Donald Trump would lie about who he was so he could lie about about dates with hot celebrities and giant business deals all of which were also lies within lies about lies. 

Lying is as integral a part of Donald Trump’s personality as is blue eye-shadow, shouting and pointing his stubby fingers. 

Many, many things are going horribly wrong for Donald Trump right now and about the only things that aren’t going wrong for Trump are Trump’s poll numbers. They keep going up.  

Without any doubt, Trump’s largest asset is the value of his brand name. By inflating the influence and worth of the name Trump, Trump has made a fortune. The over-valuation of the name Trump is incalculable. That iconic brand over-valuation could be worth a billion dollars or more. 

And you don't need to be a billionaire to know over-valuation can turn into nothing in less than one hour.

Because the famous Donald Trump is both a bully and a cheapskate, he has been able to con people to work for him for free. Even Trump can make money on real estate if he doesn’t pay for the design, construction, material or the labor.

(It is worth repeating, Donald Trump is being sued by waiters and bartenders of his hotel Trump SoHo for stealing their tips. It is one thing not to tip, it is an entire new low to steal tips. On this scam, Ivanka put the ‘Ho in Trump SoHo)

The end days of Trump being able to rip-off people, from architects to skilled craftsmen to lowly busboys and waiters - like I was - is nigh. With fresh light being shed on the hundreds and hundreds of liens and lawsuits against Trump, and Bloomberg's public undressing, anyone who gets ripped-off by Trump now has only themselves to blame.

(As I am sure you may have guessed, freelance comedy writing is a veritable license to print the lettuce, but even I would ask for cash upfront if Trump hired me as a speech writer. And yes, I would take the job in a second...) 

Anyone who wants to know how quickly and badly a bad character can destroy the value of a brand name? Look no further than the extreme examples of OJ Simpson, Jared from Subway, Mel Gibson, Rob Blagojevich, Bill Cosby, Paula Deen, Lance Armstrong, Lenny Dykstra or Bernie Madoff. And Lenny isn't that bad.

(Granted, Trump is not in their category . . .  yet, but admit it, it is juicy, fun and poetic justice when a criminally awful jerk not only gets exposed, but has their image ruined in the process)

Donald Trump has lied, sexually harassed, he has said racist things, he has ripped-off, he has stolen, he has cheated, he has intentionally set out to ruin countless people's lives for spite. 

But Donald Trump’s poll numbers are still big. Huge. And that, apparently, is enough for many people. 

Margo Robbie from “Suicide Squad” is scary beautiful. Saw her on “Fallon.” She seems talented and deserving of her crazy success from what I can see.

But . . . 

The poor thing took five days off in Hawaii and - get ready for some serious unfairness - she was  . . followed. . . by . . .  photographers. (Let the gravity of that horror sink in) 

How do these celebrities find the courage and strength to fight these cruel injustices? Sadly, most of us will never know . . . 

How would I sum up the RNC? Unlike their top speaker, Ted Cruz, at least Scott “Chachi” Baio endorsed their candidate. 

However wins this election will be the person who can convince the most Americans they, as president, will come down the hardest on ISIS. Not Muslims. Not radical Muslims. ISIS. Period. 

Maybe it was his at once vicious and cowardly attack of a grieving Gold Star Mother, but, in my opinion, a corner has been turned and the gloves are off on Trump. Hell, even “The Simpsons” are in.