Saturday, October 17, 2015

Go! Cubs! Go!

Apple was ordered to pay $234 million to the University of Wisconsin on a patent infringement claim. Apple agreed and paid the claim out of the coins in its laundry jar. 

Now that USC coach, Steve Sarkisian has been fired, Notre Dame is going to have to re-think their strategy: having the cheerleaders man an open bar on the sidelines. 

Since you asked:

The Chicago Cubs play the New York Mets in the National League Championship Series. As a die-hard Chicago fan who loved living in New York for several years, I would like to point out some observations about Mets fans.

Let me say that my experiences with New Yorkers was exceptional. In the vast majority of cases, I found New Yorkers to be smart, savvy, gracious and funny as hell. Basically nothing like their image. Yes, there is the accent, but after that, the stereotype of the rude and unfriendly New Yorker is unfair. 

My experience with Mets fans is the opposite. Here is what the average Mets fan looks like:

Mets fans are generally fat, balding, loud, drunk and smelly. 
(My good buddies Jooch and Fideen are the exceptions who prove the rule)

Because I had grown up going to the friendly confines of Wrigley Field, I did not think twice about wearing my Cubs hat to a Mets game in 1984. Huge mistake. One loud-mouthed neanderthal after another swore "F*ck the Cubs" at me - from a very safe distance - and others threw beer - only when I was not looking. 

New York Mets fans suck. They really, really suck. Arguably the vilest human being, inside and out, I have ever had the misfortune to know was a former big-shot Wall Street client of mine, and she was a die-hard Mets fan. She was loathsome in every sense of the word.

Mets fans are Jets fans. They are slobs. They are filth. 

Before the NLCS begins, I get to say a few words as a die-hard Cub fan since 1969. 

First of all, I do not want to hear another word about this goddamn, stupid “Back to the Future” prediction. It is bad juju. Don’t won’t to hear about goats or 1908. They have as much to do with this series as my Aunt Sally’s sciatica. 

What I would like is a genuine and heart-felt apology from the Cubs fans and the entire organization to Steve Bartman. That would be the right thing to do. (And, incidentally, lift some bad jugo while doing it)

Go Cubs. 

Friday, October 16, 2015

Good news. “ET” claims Lamar Odom was able to open his eyes and speak. So, intellectually, this puts him way past most of the Kardashians. 

Now that he is still in the lead, Donald Trump is demanding Secret Service protection. They have picked out his Secret Service codename: “We shall over-comb.”

The Los Angeles Dodgers lost to the New York Mets 3-2. Did you see Larry King sitting right behind home plate? Larry hasn’t had seats that good at a baseball game since he and Abner Doubleday invented it. 

Weather experts are calling for huge El Nino storms for California this winter. There will be so much water, our lawns could go from brown to slightly less brown. 

The Los Angeles Dodgers lost to the New York Mets 3-2. Did you see Larry King sitting right behind home plate? People think Larry paid a lot for those seats. No, they built the stadium around him. 

Dr. Ben Carson is threatening to boycott the next debate. For his demands, he insists the next debate include an opening and closing statement. And a nap in-between. 

Some feel Joe Biden is getting a little too cute about running. Is he in? Is he out? Is he there? Is he not there? Biden is becoming the Caitlyn Jenner’s penis of this election. 

Thursday, October 15, 2015

You has to has to has, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

“They’re raising the bar, but I am going to crush it. I am going to crush the bar."

Derrick on “Masterchef” clearly not understanding the metaphor of a raised bar in high jumping.

The makers of Budweiser and Miller are going to merge. Before this Miller was only about a 7 as  a merger candidate, but Budweiser drank Miller into a 9.

Delta Airlines announced a record $1.4 billion dollars in quarterly profits. They found that whole new idea of getting the passengers at the same place with their luggage was extremely popular. 

“Playboy” will no longer publish pictures of naked women in their magazine. Upon hearing this, young men were shocked and asked: “What’s a magazine?”   

Donald Trump is starting to focus his attacks on Bernie Sanders. Doesn’t it remind you of the old bully football coach picking on the little old English professor so his star quarterback can play? 

Delta Airlines announced a record $1.4 billion dollars in quarterly profits. Spirit Airlines is excited too. They set a new record for screwing a poor widow out of $1,000 in hidden fees.

Khloe Kardashian is accusing the brothel, where Lamar Odom collapsed, of seeking publicity. A Kardashian against a famous brothel. This is the King Kong versus Godzilla of publicity whores.

The Los Angeles Dodgers lost to the New York Mets 3-2 and Larry King’s seat was right behind home plate. It was the best view Larry has had of a game since he and Abner Doubleday invented the game. 

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Was it just me, or did Bernie and Hillary remind you of an old couple at a garage sale fighting over a George Foreman grill? 

"Here, Bernie, I'm getting you this George Foreman grill."

"No, I don't want it, I like my Weber."

"But Bernie, you never use the Weber. Besides, this doesn't need coals and it loses the fat. Such fat you shouldn't have."

"Stop with the fat. Stop with the coals. I like the coals. I like the fat. It's the best part." 

Since you asked:

From time-to-time, words come along and help us astute and savvy individuals identify the tools. The nobs. The bite-wads. 

Using the word “people” to address a group, for example. Using literally whether it needs to be distinguished from metaphorically or not. And using literally literally too much. Using the word “issues” way too much. “Walk with me” is a red flag you are about to go on a little interoffice hike with a douche-us. 

Well, I believe we have two more. When did narrative become a fancy version of story, idea or thought? And agenda? When did agenda come to mean everyone’s idea, goal, wish, want or desire? 

Be on the wary, be on the askance, be on the hooze-snoggy for people who use narrative and agenda too much.

Believe me, I am neither qualified nor inclined to be pedantic. Quite the opposite. Literally I am literally a rube. My concern is being on the look-out for flimpie schnoodiloids trying to sound smarter than they are. 

Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders went at it at the democratic debate last night. It was cute, they reminded me of the couple at the old folks home pretending to fight so people won’t know they’re an item. 

Was it just me, or did Hillary and Bernie remind you of an older couple at the garage sale fighting over the George Foreman grill?

If you can’t decide what to be this Halloween, I have an idea. You can paint your head orange and go as either Donald Trump, John Boehner or a Jack-O-Lantern.

Truly sad news about Lamar Odom. Normally you don’t hear the words unconscious and brothel without the word congressmen. 

Miley Cyrus said she plans to go totally nude in her next music video. And for the video after that? Three words: Inter-vaginal speculum camera. 

Monday, October 12, 2015

Rumor has it, Disk Jockey, Calvin Harris, had Taylor Swift break up with him because he got a Thai massage with a happy ending. In other words, D.J. C-Hay lost Tay-Tay over an H.J.

(Drops the mic and struts off stage) 

The Chicago Cubs lead the NLDS series 2-1 against the St. Louis Cardinals. Asked to comment, one Cub fan said; “Well, there’s always next year. Wait. What?” 

Escaped Mexican drug lord, El Chapa, has put a $100 million bounty on Donald Trump’s head. Hair not included. 

Dr. Ben Carson allegedly left a sponge in someone’s brain.When asked to comment, the patient with the sponge in his brain said; “Vote for me, I’m Bernie Sanders.”

This weekend was Comic Con in New York. Or as the hookers call it: Vacation. 

It was hot in Los Angeles. It was so hot, Kris Jenner wasn’t the only Kardashian having hot flashes. 

It was hot in Los Angeles. It was so hot in Los Angeles, Caitlyn Jenner had a real hot flash.

(Here is a classic example of a joke I like and nobody else will) 

It is so hot in Los Angeles, Khloe Kardashian asked her mom, Kris;

“So is this what it’s like to have a hot flash?"

Funeral services for Khloe are on Saturday. 

USC football coach, Steve Sarkisian, is issued a leave of absence for “ an undisclosed condition.” I can disclose the condition: losing. 

Anyone who thinks USC is concerned about Sarkisian and his drinking, if USC was 5-0 instead of 3-2, they would be issuing him a case of scotch, not a leave of absence.

They suspected USC coach, Steve Sarkasian, had a drinking problem when a doctor told him to drink a glass of water for every glass of booze. And Sarkisian said;

“Doc, you do know there is a water shortage in California, right?” 

USC now stands for Unemployed Sauced Coach,

What a remarkable coincidence Steve Sarkisian's long-term excessive drinking becomes problematic right after two bad loses?  

Dr. Ben Carson allegedly left a sponge in someone’s brain.When asked to comment, the patient with the sponge in his brain said; “So this me why thirsty time all?”  

Rumor has it there will be layoffs at Twitter. But Twitter said it will probably just be a few dozen weirdos. I think that’s what they meant when they said 140 characters or less. 

Dr. Ben Carson allegedly left a sponge in a patient’s brain. But this does explain why Gary Busey got voted off “Dancing with the Stars.” 

Since you asked: 

Lex’s Cologne:
Base of Ivory soap

Wisp of oak smoke, ocean breeze, cinnamon, rum and a soupcon of Morgy, my childhood plush toy dog. 

Pretty sure I could neither tell you the difference between a Selena Gomez, a Demi Lovato nor a Lana Del Rey. But I loves me some Tay-Tay McSquizzy. (Taylor Swift for the less hip)  

Has anyone else noticed the soccer greats who look like drag queens on their day off? 

Not that there is anything wrong with that . . . 

So my friends ask why? Why? Why so hard on the men of Troy? Why so hard on the University of Spoiled Children? Why so hard on the trust fund brats reeking of Polo cologne and the leather upholstery of a BMW? Why so hard on the Trorats? 

Why? Because everything about USC, the good, the bad, the pomp, the image, the shallowness, the hype, the vanity, the coolness, the misplaced priorities, the reckless abandon unfairly rewarded, the shameless cronyism, the wealth, the panache, the bravado, the history, can be summed up in one single, solitary personification:

Rock and roll and music baseball terms:

A Gwen Stefani is a No Doubt home run.

A Linda Rondstadt is a fast ball that “Blue Bayou.”

A batter getting pitched outside has to Dixieland. “Look away, look away, look away.”

A runner thrown out stealing is Bobby McGee’d. (Busted flat in Baton Rouge) 

“Bully Bully” is a batter struck out in three pitches. (Uno, dos, adios) 

First pitch hitting is a Rod Stewart, because “The first cut is the deepest.” So is getting hit by a pitch because “You wear it well.” 

A great diving catch is a Sloopy, as in "Hang on, Sloopy, Sloopy, hang on."