You has to has to has, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

“They’re raising the bar, but I am going to crush it. I am going to crush the bar."

Derrick on “Masterchef” clearly not understanding the metaphor of a raised bar in high jumping.

The makers of Budweiser and Miller are going to merge. Before this Miller was only about a 7 as  a merger candidate, but Budweiser drank Miller into a 9.

Delta Airlines announced a record $1.4 billion dollars in quarterly profits. They found that whole new idea of getting the passengers at the same place with their luggage was extremely popular. 

“Playboy” will no longer publish pictures of naked women in their magazine. Upon hearing this, young men were shocked and asked: “What’s a magazine?”   

Donald Trump is starting to focus his attacks on Bernie Sanders. Doesn’t it remind you of the old bully football coach picking on the little old English professor so his star quarterback can play? 

Delta Airlines announced a record $1.4 billion dollars in quarterly profits. Spirit Airlines is excited too. They set a new record for screwing a poor widow out of $1,000 in hidden fees.

Khloe Kardashian is accusing the brothel, where Lamar Odom collapsed, of seeking publicity. A Kardashian against a famous brothel. This is the King Kong versus Godzilla of publicity whores.

The Los Angeles Dodgers lost to the New York Mets 3-2 and Larry King’s seat was right behind home plate. It was the best view Larry has had of a game since he and Abner Doubleday invented the game.