Monday, October 12, 2015

The Chicago Cubs lead the NLDS series 2-1 against the St. Louis Cardinals. Asked to comment, one Cub fan said; “Well, there’s always next year. Wait. What?” 

Escaped Mexican drug lord, El Chapa, has put a $100 million bounty on Donald Trump’s head. Hair not included. 

Dr. Ben Carson allegedly left a sponge in someone’s brain.When asked to comment, the patient with the sponge in his brain said; “Vote for me, I’m Bernie Sanders.”

This weekend was Comic Con in New York. Or as the hookers call it: Vacation. 

It was hot in Los Angeles. It was so hot, Kris Jenner wasn’t the only Kardashian having hot flashes. 

It was hot in Los Angeles. It was so hot in Los Angeles, Caitlyn Jenner had a real hot flash.

(Here is a classic example of a joke I like and nobody else will) 

It is so hot in Los Angeles, Khloe Kardashian asked her mom, Kris;

“So is this what it’s like to have a hot flash?"

Funeral services for Khloe are on Saturday. 

USC football coach, Steve Sarkisian, is issued a leave of absence for “ an undisclosed condition.” I can disclose the condition: losing. 

Anyone who thinks USC is concerned about Sarkisian and his drinking, if USC was 5-0 instead of 3-2, they would be issuing him a case of scotch, not a leave of absence.

They suspected USC coach, Steve Sarkasian, had a drinking problem when a doctor told him to drink a glass of water for every glass of booze. And Sarkisian said;

“Doc, you do know there is a water shortage in California, right?” 

USC now stands for Unemployed Sauced Coach,

What a remarkable coincidence Steve Sarkisian's long-term excessive drinking becomes problematic right after two bad loses?  

Dr. Ben Carson allegedly left a sponge in someone’s brain.When asked to comment, the patient with the sponge in his brain said; “So this me why thirsty time all?”  

Rumor has it there will be layoffs at Twitter. But Twitter said it will probably just be a few dozen weirdos. I think that’s what they meant when they said 140 characters or less. 

Dr. Ben Carson allegedly left a sponge in a patient’s brain. But this does explain why Gary Busey got voted off “Dancing with the Stars.” 

Since you asked: 

Lex’s Cologne:
Base of Ivory soap

Wisp of oak smoke, ocean breeze, cinnamon, rum and a soupcon of Morgy, my childhood plush toy dog. 

Pretty sure I could neither tell you the difference between a Selena Gomez, a Demi Lovato nor a Lana Del Rey. But I loves me some Tay-Tay McSquizzy. (Taylor Swift for the less hip)  

Has anyone else noticed the soccer greats who look like drag queens on their day off? 

Not that there is anything wrong with that . . . 

So my friends ask why? Why? Why so hard on the men of Troy? Why so hard on the University of Spoiled Children? Why so hard on the trust fund brats reeking of Polo cologne and the leather upholstery of a BMW? Why so hard on the Trorats? 

Why? Because everything about USC, the good, the bad, the pomp, the image, the shallowness, the hype, the vanity, the coolness, the misplaced priorities, the reckless abandon unfairly rewarded, the shameless cronyism, the wealth, the panache, the bravado, the history, can be summed up in one single, solitary personification:

Rock and roll and music baseball terms:

A Gwen Stefani is a No Doubt home run.

A Linda Rondstadt is a fast ball that “Blue Bayou.”

A batter getting pitched outside has to Dixieland. “Look away, look away, look away.”

A runner thrown out stealing is Bobby McGee’d. (Busted flat in Baton Rouge) 

“Bully Bully” is a batter struck out in three pitches. (Uno, dos, adios) 

First pitch hitting is a Rod Stewart, because “The first cut is the deepest.” So is getting hit by a pitch because “You wear it well.” 

A great diving catch is a Sloopy, as in "Hang on, Sloopy, Sloopy, hang on."