Saturday, February 13, 2010

Separated at Birth?

Sean Payton and Frankie "Malcom in the Middle" Muniz?

Amidst the interminable dross, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The Opening Ceremonies at the Vancouver Winter Olympics went well besides no snow and they couldn't light the cauldron. Which is like saying your Toyota drives well except for the accelerator and the brakes.

Sarah Palin called for Rahl Emanuel's firing for saying retarded; and she is serious, Sarah even wrote it on her hand: "Phigher Rhl E. Man U L."

After two embarrassing interviews, John Mayer has stayed off Twitter. Of course now that we know he likes to masturbate his problems away, maybe his thumbs are busy doing something else.

Since you asked:

All of my favorite places have distinct smells in my mind. My home in Winnetka smelled like coffee, cinnamon and ivory soap and my stuffed dog Morgy, who smells like love.

Chicago smells like sleet on the sidewalk, grilled sausage, mustard and a hint of a distant cigar.

Santa Barbra smells like fog, eucalyptus and salt air with just a hint of the tar on the beach. Except for State Street which smells like Esau's Coffee Shop.

San Francisco smells like sourdough bread, boiled shrimp and burning cable car brakes.

New York smells like crisp Northeast fall air and cab exhaust with a slight hint of restaurant garbage.

San Diego smells like purple sage, sand and the ocean and the pines at Torrey Pines.

Our house in San Diego? Right now it smells like toast, A.C.'s shampoo and coffee. Tonight it will smell like sauteed onions, roasted garlic and grilled steaks. And wine. With the cheerful dulcet voice of Bob Costas on the big screen.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Do you wish someone a happy or merry Snowmageddon, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

A clothing company has made pajama pants that look like blue jeans, so you can roll out of bed without putting on pants. They are available in various shades of blue from “My life sucks” azure, to “What’s the point of trying?” cobalt and “I’m just waiting to die” navy.

And they come with a handy Velcro hole in the seat when life invariably butt-hoses you for being a lazy slob.

Kate Gosselin, of “Jon & Kate Plus Eight” is coming out with a book in April. Oh good, as a writer, that gives me a little time before I have to kill myself.

Since you asked:

The other night I mentioned my urge to clink and swirl my San Diego Sunset (Mount Gay Rum on the rocks with a big splash of coconut water and a lime) in a nice tumbler glass while shaking cocktail peanuts in my right hand and popping them in my mouth while playing online poker. Feet up on the desk.

This being a great country, I was able to accomplish all of the above, but instead of saying words like paradigm and outsource and duality and theory-wise , the words crap and punk kept popping out instead as in;

“I don’t want any crap, you got that, punk?”


“I’ve crapped bigger than you, punk. You punks are crappy, you crappy punks.”

I know, not pretty. And not only that, but I lost my ass – it is fake money, but still – in online poker. I lost a flush to a higher flush.

Probably lost to a crappy punk.

Speaking of a crappy punk, I have a new award I mentally hand out I call the Dewgie “Bag of Dicks” award. This goes to the utter tool of the day. Today’s winner was some load who sped up on a busy side street to pass me, cut me off and then slowed down to turn right in front of me. That’s a lot of effort to be a total douche bag.

Congratulations ass-wipe in the white BMW coup with the Jesus fish on the back, you are today’s Dewgie “Bag of Dicks.”

Thursday, February 11, 2010

This just in:

Bill Clinton underwent a procedure to have two stints placed in his heart after experiencing heart pains. Or as Dick Cheney calls this: Thursday.

Clinton is reportedly recovering nicely and has already hit on two nurses, an intern and the massage therapist.

There is so much snow, New York City is now officially whiter than John Mayer's white supremacist penis.

John Mayer stopped mid-concert and started crying. Which is unusual, because usually it is his audience members who cry.
This right here our very own groundhog, Mister Wrigley Telluride Kaseberg

Raise the bar and go viral outside the paradigm box, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

(Assist to the great comedy writer Jerry Perisho)

A medical study reveals boredom can actually quicken death. Over 28 years, researchers compiled boredom related factors as they apply to complex actuarial science tables to assess increase risk factors of boredom in both medical and statistical analysis, AHHHHHHH! (clunk)

The Super Bowl Hyundai commercial featured 40-year-old Brett Favre as a white-haired aged 50-year-old. To some it was funny, but as a man in the (cough) vicinity of 50, I found it ageist, insulting and condescending in both its depiction of . . . I’m sorry, what were we talking about?

In recent interviews, John Mayer said he masturbates his way of out of problems and described his penis as a white supremacist. Look for John’s next single: “Shut Up and Play the Guitar.”

In recent interviews, John Mayer said he masturbates his way of out of problems and described his penis as a white supremacist. In a story related to both quotes, the price of used John Mayer guitars in Detroit and Oakland have plummeted.

And I thought Mayer’s guitar-playing writhing facial expressions were tough to watch before?

In two interviews, John Mayer expressed his fondness for masturbating, insulted black women, used the N-word, described his penis as a white supremacist and compared sex with Jessica Simpson to crack. No matter how stupid his comments, they just keep coming and getting worse. It looks like Mayer has been eating off of "Dixie Chicks" Natalie Maines's plate again.

French intellectual Bernard-Henri Levy was tricked into quoting a fictional philosopher in his book “De La Guerre en Philosophy” (“Of War in Philosophy”) and, as a result, Levy has been mocked throughout France. And they say those whacky French don’t have a sense of humor.

Here’s my question: isn’t a book by a Frenchman with war in the title considered fiction anyway?

Sadly, famous fashion designer Alexander McQueen was found dead at the age of 40; police have named Lady Gaga's Grammy dress as a person of interest.

Since you asked:

Not sure why, but I can listen and watch rich and famous rock stars talk about their influences, their inspiration, their process and their history until the cows come home.

But the second some snotty, smug actor opens his self-satisfied pie-hole about their craft, I fly into a white-hot rage of indignation.

Listen, I have played pretend with my friends, and I have stood on a stage and played music for strangers. Wanna take a guess as to which one was harder?

Speaking of cows, and now that I have trashed the art of acting, you have got to see Claire Danes in HBO's "Temple Grandin."

It thrives on so many levels from depicting an autistic woman inventing a humane way to handle cattle to raising some incredibly emotional existential questions.

If her heart-rending cry of; "Where do they go?" doesn't hit you where you live, well, I can't help you.

If Danes doesn't win an Emmy for "TG" then something ain't right at all.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

This just in:

Singer/guitarist John Mayer told "Rolling Stone" he likes to masturbate his problems away; in a related story, Mayer's guitar tuner has suddenly and officially quit.

John Mayer is being called a racist due to an interview in "Playboy" where Mayer said, when it came to black women, his penis is a white supremacist. Let's see Mayer masturbate his way out of this problem.
Don't got it? Get it.

We rockin’ the cold medications, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

“Urban Dictionary” has already defined the crib notes written on Sarah Palin’s hand as a Redneck Teleprompter. I guess that’s better than a White Trash Text Message.

Ellen Degeneres made her “American Idol” judging debut and I think she did great. It is official, Ellen is my favorite lesbian “AI” judge officially passing Simon Cowell.

This year the Chinese New Year falls on Valentines Day, and guess what? This year it is the year of the Tiger. Wow, even the gods of irony aren’t giving Tiger Woods a break.

Due to the snowstorm, our nation’s capital has been shut down; right now there is no work going on in Washington D.C., no effective laws are being passed, there is virtually no return being generated on the taxpayer’s dollars, in other words, it’s pretty much business as normal.

Due to the snowstorm, our nation’s capital has been shut down; it’s so bad even the lobbyists can’t get their bribes to the lawmakers.

Tennis star, Andy Roddick’s girlfriend, Brooklyn Decker, is on the cover of the “Sports Illustrated” swimsuit edition. You know Roddick’s buddies are going to mess with him:

“Hey, guys, it’s me Andy, I’m here, wanna go to a movie or a bar? Or play Madden? OK, that’s hysterical, now put down the damn magazines.”

Rumor has it Cameron Diaz was getting really friendly at a Super Bowl party with Alex Rodriguez. It might be true, today Cameron tested positive for Kate Hudson and steroids.

I sure hope they are together because they would form the super couple Diazguez.

Since you asked:

Thank all that is decent the folks at “Two and a Half Men” finally ditched Charlie’s pain-in-the-ass, nagging, self-righteous hammy fiancé, Chelsea. Even if Charlie did have to puke on a baby to get rid of her. (No, that is not a metaphor) Chelsea was almost as bad as Mia was. Please keep Charlie drunk, horny and single the way we love him and god intended.

I got me a hankerin' to slow grill/smoke some BBQ ribs, listen to some awesome blues harmonica ("Harp Attack" with Billy Branch, James Cotton and Junior Wells) and play online poker with my feet up on the desk, swirling/clinking my San Diego Sunset (Mount Gay Rum on the rocks with a heavy splash of coconut water and a squeeze of lime) in my left hand while shaking peanuts and popping them into my mouth with the other while saying the words paradigm and value-added a lot.

Well, I do.

Tuesday, February 09, 2010

This just in:

The White House made fun of Sarah Palin writing speech crib notes on her hands. She thinks that’s embarrassing? Wait until they found out Sarah writes TGIF in all her shoes. Not for Thank God It’s Friday, it stands for: Toes Go In First.

Democrats are still reeling over the loss of Ted Kennedy’s Massachusetts Senate seat to Republican Scott Brown. I like Scott Brown, he looks like a guy who will quote “Caddy Shack” at least ten times in a round of golf.

I like Scott Brown, he looks like the guy who won salesman of the month at the New Haven Lexus dealership on route 51.

I like Scott Brown, he looks like a guy hanging out at the Country Club pool with lots of white zinc oxide on his nose who calls all the kids sport.

I like Scott Brown, he looks like the guy whose cologne you can smell five minutes after he left the room.

I like Scott Brown, he looks like the guy you’ve been introduced to ten times at your wife’s company Christmas party, but he doesn't remember you.


I like Scott Brown, he reminds me of the guy at work who likes to ask; “Are you working hard or hardly working?”

I like Scott Brown, he reminds me of the guy at the party who swirls his scotch rocks in one hand while shaking peanuts and popping them into his mouth with the other.

I like Scott Brown, he reminds me of the real estate broker who says the housing market that is in the tank is "value increased."

"In the name of love"

It’s complicated, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

On Bourbon St. in New Orleans partiers swigged and smashed bottles, women tore off their tops and they all danced together in the streets. When asked about their Saints Super Bowl celebration, a partier replied; “What Super Bowl celebration?”

It was a big night for New Orleans Saints coach, Sean Payton. Not only did he coach his team to a Super Bowl win, he also won the “Malcom in the Middle” Frankie Muniz look-alike contest.

Did you know not one player returned from last year’s championship game to play in this one? I tell you, the turnover in that “Animal Planet” Puppy Bowl is brutal.

At her speech to the Tea Party Convention in Tennessee, Sarah Palin accused the Obama administration of being inept and unqualified; apparently Sarah can see irony from her house.

Sarah Palin accused the Obama administration of being inept and unqualified; and then she quit halfway into her speech.

US Skier, Bode Miller, announced he will compete in all five Alpine events at the Vancouver Olympics. Provided they don’t interfere with Happy Hour, of course.

The chairman of the Joint Chief of Staff, Adm. Mike Mullen, said gays should be allowed to serve in the military. Mullen said military people should not have to hide their identity, plus it will really spice up the annual Navy Tony Awards Party.

Since you asked:

Being the full-blown rockumentary freak that I am, I love the Sundance Channel show “Spectacle” hosted by Elvis Costello. Costello, a superstar in his own right, interviews rock gods like Bruce Springsteen and Elton John (John is one of the show’s producers)

Last night I saw the show with the Edge and Bono from U2, and it was keenly insightful and interesting.

One of the recurring themes you hear from these rock gods, from Clapton and the Eagles’ Don Felder’s biography “Heaven and Hell” to Petty’s “Running Down a Dream” and even an old Stones interview, is that these guys are flying blind in the pursuit of a rock career. It’s nothing like going to law school or trade school and getting a job.

Tom Petty has said repeatedly in “RDAD” there is no manual for this stuff. One interviewer asked a young Mick Jagger how long he thought this career would last and a pensive Jagger didn’t want to seem cocky but said;

“Not to jinx it, but I think we can keep going for a couple more years easy.”

Unlike guitar gods Clapton and Richards and Townsend and Page who grew up learning to play and replay early blues and early rock classics like a juke box, the Edge and the rest of U2 started with the premise of wanting to be in a band with no musical background or influences. They just thought it would be cool to be in a band. They were a “band” long before they could even play an instrument, let alone call themselves musicians.

What this did was force U2 to play their own music and forge their own sound. Not because they were unique musical visionaries, they simply did not have the skills required to play Stones songs or Elvis songs. So, as the Edge learned some chords, they learned to write songs around them. And Bono was a natural lyricist.

What this also did was force the band away from striving for intense technical musical prowess in the studio to focusing more on enhancing their live shows and concerts. They were well aware that they had to focus the crowd’s attention on the show itself, much unlike the wildly talented musicians in Cream or Traffic, but who lacked stage charisma.

Bono tells of a party/concert attended by him and the Edge with the Stones and others in attendance and the theme was they were to all play classic numbers but from other bands like “Jailhouse Rock” and “Johnny B. Good.” Bono said he and the Edge went running from the party in terror and shame because they couldn’t do it.

And Bono told of a night the band was taken out for Mexican food by Frank Sinatra and they drank Margaritas all night. That has nothing to do with making music, I just thought it was really cool.

For mega rock stars, the Edge and Bono are heroically modest. They talked about how a musically talented producer actually taught them how to play their instruments. And, by learning to play, he wasn’t speaking esoterically, Bono said he taught them how to hold the guitar on up.

And yet, on “The Joshua Tree” video, it shows the Edge recording with B.B. King and you can see the shock and disappointment in the Edge’s face when B.B. King pleads and begs to the Edge not to have to play any chords because King simply doesn’t know how to play basic chords.

For a guitarist, that would be like finding out Batman throws like a girl.

One of the most appealing things about Bono and the Edge is that they appear to truly enjoy being rock stars. If you can't have fun being a rich rock legend, just go ahead and enroll yourself in the Pain-In-The -Ass Hall of Fame.

From my perspective I found the U2 interview enlightening, because I thought the biggest hurdle I turned as a harmonica player was being able to play what I heard my legends play note for note on a tape/CD.

At first it was a blast just finding the right key harmonica for the right song, if you can do that, you can play fairly easily with Bruce Springsteen, Neil Young, Tom Petty and Bob Dylan with pretty much just A, C and D harps, cross-harped for the keys they play their majority of songs in, E, G and A. Although they all have their own sound that makes them great, technically, they’re pretty basic blow-and-draw guys, especially if they are playing guitar, the harp is on a neck rack and creates a more raw/folksy sound.

When I could get the vibrato sound of Slim Harpo on “King Bee” and “Scratch my Back” with my throat and the bent and slashing ripping repeated notes from Sonny Boy Williamson “Help Me” and the soulful riffs on Junior Wells “Good Morning Little School Girl” I really thought I had arrived. (Technical wizards, Stevie Wonder, Billy Branch, Kim Wilson, John Popper, Little Walter and Magic Dick to follow later)

Soon I was to find there is another huge hurdle to jump when learning to play those notes live with a band. Everything becomes harder and more dynamic, but also more fun. You have to go from focusing on your technique and listening to yourself play – CDs don’t change - to listening to the whole band and adjusting accordingly. Plus there are people there listening to you play.

And after this, there is the whole electrical/ technical side of the gear for both live shows and recording. This is my weakest area. When I have sat down and talked with full time professional harmonica players, like the awesome Jason Ricci, Paco Shipp and Jon Gindick, they are all way into the technical aspects from tuning the harmonicas themselves by hand with tiny files, changing the wiring and sound of their microphone and amplifiers to the whole confusing morass of laying down different tracks in a studio.

But the entire concept of trying to sit down and write an original song is beyond daunting to me because I have spent so much time trying to copy others. Whereas writing their own songs is how U2 started out and they can’t imagine it being any other way.

But from painting, writing and song writing, I think the words of the great sculptor, Auguste Rodin, are apt. When asked how it was possible he could make such incredibly detailed horses out of marble, including the hairs on their mane and the veins on their muscles, Rodin said something like:

“I just knock away everything that doesn’t look like a horse.”

Or as Eric Clapton once echoed when asked how he plays such beautiful guitar solos:

“Just don’t hit a note that sounds bad.”

True 'dat, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers. True 'dat.

Monday, February 08, 2010

Could not happen to a nicer guy. San Diego was a huge fan of Drew Brees before New Orleans

I know, right Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

The fastest growing cosmetic procedure in Britain is male breast reduction surgery; and this is even before Simon Cowell had his done.

Critics claim we comedians have overdone the Tiger Woods jokes. Really? A famous married guy sleeps with over 19 women including hookers and cocktail waitresses, and plays a sport where they regularly use words like shaft, balls, club, hole and stroke? We haven’t even gotten started.

Over 100 million Americans will watch the Super Bowl, 30 million men will agree the large breasts in the Go commercial are insulting to women, until their girlfriend leaves the room, then they’ll high five their buddies that those boobies were awesome.

The Who performed a medley of their hits at the Super Bowl half time, that gave the ground crew plenty of time to dismantle the stage and get rid of the old man smell before the second half.

For the first time since April 20th, 2005, the Dow Jones Industrial average dipped below the 10,000 point level. My word, do you know what this means? No, I’m serious, does anybody know what the hell this means?

Democrats are still shocked by the loss of Ted Kennedy’s Mass. senate seat to republican Scott Brown, who posed naked in “Cosmo.” In Mass. democrats outnumber republicans 3-1. However, 100% of the voters are glad Ted Kennedy, rest his soul, never posed naked in “Cosmo.”

Apple unveiled their new iPad. Here is my question: when did Steven Jobs turn into Yertle the Turtle?

Sources claim Tiger Woods is set to fly back to his wife, Elin, after undergoing sex addiction therapy. As a result, Las Vegas will give you 2-1 Tiger rejoins the mile high club with a flight attendant for the 32nd time.

Since you asked:

What a great Super Bowl. Man, at 10-0 I was afraid the Colts would blow the Saints out. Suddenly I got an epiphany, that, no, the Saints are going to get back into this thing, at which point I added an extra hour to the end of the recording in case it went to overtime.

Commercials were good, loved the barking collar Labrador and Dave, Oprah and Jay. Both teams looked like teams that belonged in a Super Bowl – total of eight penalties the entire game - and the announcers, Phil Simms and Jim Nance, were outstanding.

And Drew Brees and Sean Payton and Peyton Manning are studs, studs, studs. That onsides kick before the second half? Gutsiest call in a Super Bowl ever. Not to mention I am a huge fan of the onsides kick and going for it on fourth down.

And let’s hear if for the Who. They rocked a great show. I say next year we have a medley of medleys, have The Who, The Guess Who, Yes and U2. It will be a great “Who’s On First” moment.

”So who is performing at halftime?”

“Yes, and Guess Who.”




“Yes. Yes and U2.”

“Me too?”

“No, U2 and Guess Who.”

“I have no idea.”


“That’s what I’m asking.”