Friday, July 31, 2009

Some sad news, you know Jill and Kevin of the J-K dancing wedding video? Things not going well. She caught him dancing with the best man in the honeymoon suite.

Bill Clinton was an hour and a half late to talk to high school students. He made them wait ninety minutes. Regardless of your political leanings, left or right or undeclared, like me, we can all now agree Bill Clinton is a massive a-hole tool.

Beer: Solving ugly racial disputes since, well, yesterday.

Jon Gosselin, of "Jon & Kate" is on Twitter.

"Wow, I can't wait to follow Jon Gosselin's every move on Twitter," said nobody who didn't deserve a hard kick in the ass. Talk about putting the Twit in Twitter.

Paris Hilton is running around claiming Michael Jackson named his daughter after her; silly me, here I am not even knowing Michael had a daughter named Infectious Skank.

I'm guessin' it ain't a good sign I had to pour a stiff drink before I could stomach looking at my e-mails tonight.
This is where the Argentine magic happened last night. Only behind in the kettle Weber

OMG, we got TMI in our LOL from our BFF, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

"People" asked celebrities what super power they would want and Rumor Willis replied to teleport. Makes sense, she could teleport back in time and tell her parents, Bruce Willis and Demi Moore, not to name her Rumor.

This beer summit concept has caught on fire in Washington. Today, Bill Clinton has called for a Jager-shot-out-of-a-chubby-intern's-naval summit.

You have to believe President Barack Obama regrets yesterday’s beer summit; can you imagine being hung-over and listening to Joe Biden?

Barack Obama’s beer summit went so well, tonight Sarah Palin is going to have a beer summit tonight with the voices in her head.

The beer summit went well at the White House. The only tension was when they had to call the secret service in to kick Ted Kennedy out.

You know guys are going to take this concept and run with it. "No, honey, I'm not drinking with the boys, I am involved in an important beer summit."

Outspoken vehement anti-steroid slugger, Boston Red Sox’s David Ortiz, is the latest big name to leak out of the MLB steroid user list of 2003. If this list leaked any slower it would need to take Flomax.

In Oregon, an 81-year-old man qualified for a NASCAR series race; it was a little awkward, he was trying to make it to Applebee’s for the early bird special and got mixed up in the race.

In Oregon, an 81-year-old man qualified for a NASCAR race; this comes a few weeks after a 59-year-old Tom Watson almost won the British Open. And in Florida, a 94-year-old man, thanks to Viagra, won the Sunny Hills Retirement Home and Nudest Colony’s donut carrying contest.

In nutritional news, before speaking at an anti-obesity conference, Bill Clinton was seen gorging on a double cheeseburger, milkshake and fries at a greasy fast food joint. Is Clinton a flaming hypocrite? It all depends on what your definition of is is.

Congress is considering taxing plastic surgery. Great. They waited until after Michael Jackson’s gone to think of this?

After world records were broken with a new faster body suit at the World Championships, swimming is going to ban the use of the new suits. Good. If swimmers want an unfair advantage they are going to have to get it the old fashioned way: performance enhancing drugs.

Nineteen people were arrested in Connecticut for allegedly running a finch- and canary-fighting ring. The culprits at first denied the charges, but when questioned further they sang like, well, canaries.

Nineteen people were arrested in Connecticut for allegedly running a finch- and canary-fighting ring. They were placed in jail without bail because the culprits were considered, wait for it, a flight risk.

All I'm saying is Kate Middleton strikes me as the girl in all of the Rolling Stones songs, from the wine sipping aristocrat in "You Can't Always Get What You Want" to the nasty boot wearing trollop in "Can't You Hear Me Knockin'."

I'm starting to worry I may have an unhealthy fixation on Kate Middleton . . . nahhhhhhh.

You may be a douche bag if . . . you have ever parked from more than ten seconds in a red fire zone.

Man, I had no idea the word-of-mouth would make the box office tank on "Bruno." A concept can be clever, the promos can look funny, but the movie can still suck I guess.

Even though Sacha Baron Cohen is honestly brilliant and he is making fun of a gay character, not a real gay man, practical jokes do have a predisposition for meanness that can cause the cringe factor to be way too high, no matter how unsympathetic or unlikeable the victim is.

Argentine Grilling last nicht? Off the charts. You simply cannot make a bad steak if you marinate it in olive oil and cook it indirectly and slower with wood lump charcoal, salting it and then putting it over the hot coals to sear it in the end.

The element that is so crucial is the wood smoking. It improves the taste and the texture allowing you to finish it off a perfect medium rare. You get away with a steak being a touch more rare on the medium rare side due to the slight pink smoking that occurs. And I tend to think the slower initial cooking causes the juices to stay locked in better. And the salt is allowed to melt in and blend with the meat longer.

Facebook update.

Facebook is a mixed blessing. On one hand I can keep up easily with many people I couldn't keep up with before. On the downside, I get to see that every late teen to early 20 youth in this country acts like a gang member when they get their picture taken, snarling and giving the finger or gang signs, they all have bleached too white teeth, the women all have that ubiquitous red/blonde/brunette colored iron straight hair and a cheap spray on tan and they are usually falling-down drunk.

If that is the sign of things to come for Ann Caroline I am moving someplace remote.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

In New Jersey a bunch of mayors and Rabbis were caught in a financial scam that included selling human organs. Look, New Jersey, if you want us to stop making jokes about you, you have to stop doing stuff like this.

In Trenton, they sold all kinds of body parts, kidneys, livers, spleens, hearts just about everything but brains, because nobody with any brains lives in Trenton.

What a heartless crime, can you imagine the gallbladder? They got a lot of spleening to do.

(Boo and hiss)

Boston Red Sox slugger David Ortiz tested positive for steroids in 2003. "Big Papi" is now "Big Syringe Plunger Popper Papi."

Here is sweet ol' Kasey-bear. She has just been fed so her worry for her next meal is put off for five minutes.

During a show in Detroit, outspoken abstinence vower, Joe Jonas, teared up twice about his break up with Camilla Belle. Just when you thought it wasn't possible for the Jonas brothers to be any whimpier?

Bad news at the beer summit. Barack Obama tried to get Henry Louis Gates Jr. and his arresting officer, James Crowley, to settle their problems over a beer, but an ugly fight broke out about whether the beer tasted great or was less filling.

Since you asked:

Got a real great education about Californians and their love affair with all things beach culture.

When I went to parents day at Solana Beach Junior Lifeguards, it was a blast to see what happens when you combine youthful energy and fitness, creativity and a deep love of the ocean and beach.

Every possible water activity goes on, surfing, snorkeling, body surfing, kayaking, paddle boarding, swimming, boogie boarding, skim boarding.

On the beach any game is more fun in the sand: capture the flag, touch football, soccer, ultimate Frisbee, dodge ball. And sand sculptures were taken to the next level. Including hoses, tubes and advanced engineering to make an elaborate tennis ball roller coaster.

And then there is all the water safety and rescue education about life saving and first aid.. (One sweet and brave girl got stung by a sting ray. It made a nasty puncture wound on her big toe and the poison, the lifeguard told me, causes the pain to reach that of a broken bone)

And there is an education on proper beach gear, backpacks full of tons of sunblock, water, snacks, towels, rash guards, sandals, hats, sunglasses, first aid kits, brushes.

The kids learn about all the wildlife in the water and out. Dolphins surfed the waves right next to the kids. Leopard sharks and rays abound. And jelly fish. (Yes, the cure for a jelly fish sting is urine and it works)

After there are bonfires, BBQ's, songs, stories, jokes, "The cake was my idea" and, yes, some adult beverages. (If I don't get my hands on a few young Mont Gay Rum, coconut water and lime squeeze's tonight lives will be lost)

Which results in an entire culture with the clothes, slang, bands and attitude which gets stereotyped overly simplistically as laid back. You think the beach culture is laid back? Paddle your surfboard out in some rough area, like Imperial Beach, into a group of locals and cut someone off on a wave. You will need to use the Cal Tech computer to figure out how many ways your ass just got kicked.

Just so's yah knows:

When I chant "Up in here, up in here" right after I feel way cooler. Up in here.

Hope this doesn't sound old and bitter, but you know what I hope? I hope the members of the Starland Vocal Band are lonely and miserable and living in cockroach and fetid garbage squalor in a death-stenching scorching delapitated hot trailer home in the middle of a toxic waist dump in a rat infested Nevada desert for ruining my summer of 1976 with their satanically vapid and douche-ie song "Afternoon Delight."

That's what I hope.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Rumor has it Sarah Palin wants to host a talk show. I’m not sure what they could call it, based on Palin’s last two speeches, the title “Lost” is perfect, but taken.

Before speaking at the CDC’s Weight of the Nation anti-obesity conference, Bill Clinton was seen gorging on a double cheeseburger, milkshake and fries at a fast food joint. Yeah, and you don’t even want to know what he did before he spoke at a pro abstinence rally.

Shaquille O’Neal told his Twitter followers the White House would not let him in unannounced; an anonymous White House source said they tried to get Shaq inside the White House, but he kept missing the front door opening from ten feet away.

Congress is considering taxing plastic surgery. When she heard this, you should have seen how shocked Nancy Pelosi looked. But then she pretty much always looks shocked.

Congress is considering taxing plastic surgery. You’ve heard of a pole tax? The plastic surgery tax is a Pelosi tax.

They think of this after Michael Jackson passed away?

Since you asked:

Man, what a great day. Ann Caroline had Junior Lifeguards at Solana Beach, so I went down with my stand up paddle board. Surfed a few waves up from where they were to make sure I could and then headed south. Caught one of the best rides of my life.

Afterwards AC was so sweet. She said it was really exciting to see me. (Gulp) She was proud of her old dad. That is great, because I was just aiming for not humiliating her.

It felt so much like Maui when I was surfing. Warm, clear water, tropical breeze, bright sunshine. Tonight? Taco night, wine, Cubbies - don't tell me, I recorded it - and beddie- bye snookums time, yo.

Beddie-bye snookums time? Yikes.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Happy 34th birthday yesterday to Alex Rodriguez. It was sweet, Madonna sent him a thoughtful Hallmark card with a five dollar bill in it.

Michael Phelps lost his first race in four years finishing second in the 200 Freestyle at the World Championships in Rome; Thus proving, once and for all, marijuana is not a performance enhancing drug.

Michael Vick has been reinstated in the NFL. My yellow Labrador, Wrigley, feels Vick should only be reinstated if and when Wrigley’s testicles are reinstated to his scrotum.

Former NFL running back, Travis Henry, has been sentenced to three years in prison for drug trafficking; Travis also has 11 children with 10 women, so Henry faces the lesser charge of impersonating a South Carolina Governor.

Former NFL running back, Travis Henry, has been sentenced to three years in prison for drug trafficking; Travis has 11 children with 10 women, sending a guy with 11 kids with 10 mothers to prison for three years is like sentencing Kirsty Alley to a hot dog eating contest.

The Gay Games are underway in Denmark. The Gay Games are just like the Olympics except for the motto’s, the Olympic motto is “Faster, Higher, Stronger” the Gay Games motto is “Fiercer, Fiercer, Fiercer.”

Convicted dog-fighter, Michael Vick, has been reinstated to the NFL. Apparently NFL stands for Nefarious Felons Legitimate.

In fitness news, Bill Clinton spoke at CDC’s Weight of the Nation conference. Clinton has personal experience in handling obesity, specifically handling chubby female interns.

Third place Tour De France finisher Lance Armstrong is writing testy Twitter comments about the winner, Alberto Contador. Like this one. “AC? LA. R U my BFF? Not! OMG, LOL.”

San Diego's downtown music festival Street Scene is adding Public Enemy to the roster; in a related story, there are now many security positions suddenly available for Street Scene.

Since you asked:

Nobody thinks they are a douche bag. So how come every time I drive someplace I run across at least one or two? Sometimes more.

(Although I honestly know there are no a.l.B.b. readers who are douche bags, I am just venting)

The measure of somebody's douche bagginess can be directly proportional to how much they don't comprehend - or choose to follow - the concept of the four way stop sign. If cars honk at you to stop or you seem to piss a lot of people off at four way stop signs? You're probably a douche bag.

It's simple, when your car comes to a complete stop - if it doesn't you're a douche bag - take a mental photo of the three cars there ahead of you. They get to go before you do. The cars that come after? You get to go ahead of them. Unless of course, they are - you got it - a douche bag.

My latest pet peeve are the people who come to the four way stop sign after me and before they even come to a full stop, they start giving me the douche bag wave, the four finger "come on, come on, come on" flap. To which I now return that four finger flap using only my two middle fingers.

Will that make a douche bag stop and think "Oh, right, he was here before me, I really am being a douche bag"? No, but it makes me feel better.

Top signs you are a douche bag.

Your drink of choice is vinegar and water.

You like to say when the conversation gets around "America Idol" or "Two and a Half Men" "I don't have time to watch TV" even though you know you're lying.

You use your cell phone regularly in front of a captive audience.

You call someone before eight in the morning and after nine at night.

You part your name in the middle like John Wilkes Booth.

You use Dr. in your name and you are not a medical Doctor.

You are a Junior and you use it on your name. (For those trying to decide, that is three strikes on Dr. Henry Louis Gates Jr.)

You gave your brat a hard to pronounce name and annoyingly insist people get it exactly right.

Your name has Trebek anywhere in it.

You mention your second home a lot.

Think about every single feature, look, characteristic or behavior of Steven Seagal, and if you have even one, you're a douche bag.

You talk about your car a lot.

You say the following a lot, "I have a good sense of humor, but . . ." Remember, with douche bags especially, everything before the but is B.S.

You make that Buddah hand prayer bowing gesture to thank people. A lot.

You get "You know who you remind me of? Alex Trebek" a lot.

You get, "You know who you remind me of? Steven Seagal" a lot.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Paris Hilton announces on her MTV show that she is neither stupid nor slutty. She prefers the terms dumb and skanky.

The Gay Olympics are underway in Denmark. They are just like the Olympics except for their motto's. The Olympic motto is Faster, Higher, Stonger. The Gay Games motto is Fiercer, Fiercer, Fiercer.

The Gay Olympics are underway in Denmark. They are just like the Olympics, well, except for the relay baton exchange technique. What? At the Gay Games they do an underhand baton exchange. What did you think I meant? Oh, that is sick and pathetic.

Joe Jonas - of the Jonas Brothers - has broken up with his girlfriend, Camilla Belle. She was way too pretty, in order to keep his abstinence pledge, Joe will have to date Camilla Parker Bowles.

By all means, Kate Middleton is stunning and classy, but she reminds me of a girl at a bar who can tie a double knot cherry stem in her mouth at the same time she is telling a really raunchy dirty joke:

"Rectum? It almost killed him. Here is the knotted stem, big fella."

Since you asked:
As a white guy, it is probably a little insensitive of me to try and weigh in on this Henry Louis Gates Jr. arrest, but it is a little dicey when a guy gets arrested for breaking into his own house.

On the other hand, black or white, Harvard professor or driver's education teacher, if you are involved in a growing-testy discussion with someone who can legally carry a sidearm, mace, a billy club and a stun gun? You may want to take a deep breath and relax.

A little bit.

To paraphrase honest Abe, beware people who part their name in the middle . . . like John Wayne Gacy, or Lee Harvey Oswald or Osama bin Laden, or . . .

Re: the Alberto Contador/Lance Armstrong hissy fit. There are two sides to every story. But in this story one side has won the Tour seven times and has raised a billion dollars to fight cancer. The other side is an ungrateful skinny Spanish douche bag.

You know who I love?

Hot looking, sexy movie stars who look like they are having a blast being hot, good looking sexy movie stars: Josh Brolin, Megan Fox, George Clooney, Cameron Diaz, Anna Faris.

You know who I hate?

Hot looking, sexy movie stars who look like they hate being hot sexy movie stars: Kristen Stewart, Lindsay Lohan, Juaquin Phoenix, Hugh Grant, Leonardo DiCaprio, Kristen Stewart. (Yes, I put her in twice)