Paris Hilton announces on her MTV show that she is neither stupid nor slutty. She prefers the terms dumb and skanky.

The Gay Olympics are underway in Denmark. They are just like the Olympics except for their motto's. The Olympic motto is Faster, Higher, Stonger. The Gay Games motto is Fiercer, Fiercer, Fiercer.

The Gay Olympics are underway in Denmark. They are just like the Olympics, well, except for the relay baton exchange technique. What? At the Gay Games they do an underhand baton exchange. What did you think I meant? Oh, that is sick and pathetic.

Joe Jonas - of the Jonas Brothers - has broken up with his girlfriend, Camilla Belle. She was way too pretty, in order to keep his abstinence pledge, Joe will have to date Camilla Parker Bowles.

By all means, Kate Middleton is stunning and classy, but she reminds me of a girl at a bar who can tie a double knot cherry stem in her mouth at the same time she is telling a really raunchy dirty joke:

"Rectum? It almost killed him. Here is the knotted stem, big fella."

Since you asked:
As a white guy, it is probably a little insensitive of me to try and weigh in on this Henry Louis Gates Jr. arrest, but it is a little dicey when a guy gets arrested for breaking into his own house.

On the other hand, black or white, Harvard professor or driver's education teacher, if you are involved in a growing-testy discussion with someone who can legally carry a sidearm, mace, a billy club and a stun gun? You may want to take a deep breath and relax.

A little bit.

To paraphrase honest Abe, beware people who part their name in the middle . . . like John Wayne Gacy, or Lee Harvey Oswald or Osama bin Laden, or . . .

Re: the Alberto Contador/Lance Armstrong hissy fit. There are two sides to every story. But in this story one side has won the Tour seven times and has raised a billion dollars to fight cancer. The other side is an ungrateful skinny Spanish douche bag.

You know who I love?

Hot looking, sexy movie stars who look like they are having a blast being hot, good looking sexy movie stars: Josh Brolin, Megan Fox, George Clooney, Cameron Diaz, Anna Faris.

You know who I hate?

Hot looking, sexy movie stars who look like they hate being hot sexy movie stars: Kristen Stewart, Lindsay Lohan, Juaquin Phoenix, Hugh Grant, Leonardo DiCaprio, Kristen Stewart. (Yes, I put her in twice)