Friday, July 17, 2009

The man credited with having the world's largest penis was turned down for a role on HBO's series "Hung." HBO's exact words were, "Thanks, Mr. Kaseberg, but we don't want to intimidate the viewers."

The latest "Harry Potter" movie was #1 at the box office. This one is a little more risque because Harry is older. I think the full name is "Harry Potter and The Sunbathing MILF."

If there is one thing I cannot stand, it is name dropping. In fact, on the charter to Paris to see Mick, Keith, Charlie and Ronnie and the boys, I was telling Brad and Angelina that it is so important to try and stay humble in the throws of greatness.

The Harry Potter craze has spawned a new type of music called Wizard Rock. It is the perfect background music for not getting laid.

Along with the Harry Potter-inspired music, Wizard Rock also created the first group of rock musicians who don't have groupies.

A 17-year-old, Zac Sunderland, set a record to be the youngest person to circumnavigate the globe. It was awkward, when former President Bush heard this he said; "Ouch, I bet that circumnavigation hurts, but it is a Jewish tradition."

Since you asked:

Charity and conservation are the new extravagances.

As a result, it has never been a better time to be a broke-ass single guy.

"Sure, driving a Prius is better for the environment, but, for me, they still use up too many fossil fuel resources to construct them, that's why I use a bus pass. It is greener."

"Sweety, I know it is my turn to pay, but I went a little crazy this month and donated my entire pay check to the Livestrong Foundation. Do you mind getting dinner this time?"

Last time I checked, California had a $42 billion dollar deficit. And yet we passed a law making talking on your hand-held cell phone illegal, but all I see are a-holes driving and talking on their hand-held cell phones. If we just enforced the law, we could make a fortune.

We have a seemingly endless supply of rude, classless a-holes, why not make them pay the deficit? Triple the fines for parking in a red zone, talking on a hand held cell or text-messaging while driving. While we are at it, make talking on a cell phone in front of a captive audience in a store or elevator or any public place illegal and make the fine huge.

They tax the hell out of my wine. OK, fine. I'll help out, it won't kill me to drink less wine. I don't smoke, but it's the same with cigarettes. Good. Nobody should smoke. Really expensive restaurants should have a much bigger tax.

Let's keep going with that. Make a huge luxury tax not just on summer homes and yachts and expensive cars, but tax the stuff real a-holes buy. If someone spends $100,000 on rapper jewelry, they should have to pay $25,000 in taxes. A $1,000 tie? $100 in taxes. Tax the ever loving living hell out of plastic surgery. We are the ones who have to get scared looking at these scary people, make them pay higher taxes for it.

If you want to collect fine art, that is fine, but we are going to put a tax on a painting that costs $100,000 that will make the Mona Lisa choke.

Hair plugs should be taxed to high heaven. Triple the taxes on tattoos. Hummers should be taxed up to their fenders. Tax the hell out of chartered flights. Really expensive champagne should have triple the tax of my cheap ass California Cabernet.

This is not to say let's just tax the hell out of the rich.

No, let the rich get rich. It helps everyone. And then if they turn around and donate some of that wealth to charity than everyone benefits. Do not restrict successful and rich people from getting rich.

Tax the A-holes with really tacky taste. The ones who spend lavishly. But tax the lavish spending, not their income. Gambling taxes should double right now. Forget taxing marijuana, place a huge - not prison - but a huge fine on getting caught using any drug but especially cocaine and meth. Those are the a-holes, not potheads. They would much rather pay than go to prison. It makes money as opposed to spending money sending them to jail.

Call it the CCT & F, Conspicuous Consumption Tax and Fines.

Put a massive fine on excessive litigators.

Triple the fines for rolling through and running stop signs. Talking on a cell phone or text-messaging in a movie or play? Make it illegal and make the fine huge.

15 items in the ten items or less line? Huge fine. Changing lanes without signaling? Triple the fine.

Make any act of road rage a huge fine.

We have two huge problems right now in California: the deficit and rude, inconsiderate and selfish and classless a-holes.

Make the latter pay for the prior.

No need to thank me, California, it's what I do . . . it's what I do.

(Polite applause)

Thursday, July 16, 2009

The sky above my bbq island at Grill-thirty.

In a recent interview, Levi Johnston said that Sarah Palin could never handle the responsibility of being president unlike how he can handle the responsibility of being a parent for his son, Trent. Levi was then reminded his son's name is Tripp.

According to witnesses, Bernie Madoff's wife, Ruth, got loud, upset and ugly with her California Pizza Kitchen waiter who would not accept Ruth's expired coupons. If they aren't careful, people are going to start to think the Madoffs aren't very nice people.

A woman in Florida was accidentally shot in the leg when the woman in the public bathroom stall next to her dropped her gun. It is the ugliest incident to ever happen in a public bathroom that did not involve Idaho Senator Larry Craig.

That has to be the most painful bathroom discharge since, well, the Octomom.

Since you asked:

It is Brett Favre's right to come and go as much as he chooses in the NFL if they will take him. Just as it is my right to be frickin' sick to death of Brett Favre and all of his alleged comebacks.

Now that he has done his time, it is also Michael Vick's right to comeback if some team wants him. Just like it is my right to never watch a single down of his if he does play.

Two distinct types of Americans piss me off. The first are the ones who shout from the rooftops that America is the greatest country in the world. America truly is a great, great country, but who has the authority to proclaim it the very best? We have too much gunfire and obesity, poverty and poor education to spout that statement.

The other Americans who piss me off are the ones who assume everything European is automatically better than everything American. Those snotty weasels are wrong too.

But I have to say, either drinking Mont Gay Bahamian rum with coconut water and lime, or sipping a red wine while watching the Tour De France and the British Open, I am feeling quite the cosmopolitan.

And I had a burrito for lunch, so . . .
Who said what to who now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

A Southwest Airlines flight had to make an emergency landing after it tore a hole in the top of the fuselage. All the other airlines are demanding Southwest charge those passengers a convertible top fee.

A French tennis player had his drug suspension lifted when he claimed he tested positive for cocaine because he kissed a girl in a club. Apparently it was quite a kiss, he also tested positive for her P.M.S drug Midol.

A group of badly maimed, limbless and scarred shark attack victims testified in Congress in favor of a shark protection bill. That's odd. It's like a bunch of pigs testifying to save Kirsty Alley.

The Republicans continue to grill Supreme Court Nominee, Sonia Sotomayor, they claim she is biased for Latino women. And if anybody is an expert on being biased for your sex and ethnic group, it is a bunch of white male Republicans.

The Republicans continue to grill Supreme Court Nominee, Sonia Sotomayor, Not all conservatives are against Sotomayor, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas is rumored to be in favor of Sotomayor's confirmation, or as he calls Sonia: New meat.

Things are not going well for 50 billion scammer Bernie Madoff in prison. Let's just say if Madoff was still an actual investor, he would be buying stock in Preparation H, Listerine and Vasoline.

After demanding she keep $60 million of Bernie Madoff stolen money, Ruth Madoff was caught trying to use expired coupons at a California Pizza Kitchen. It seems Ruth loves their Swindler Salad and their Ponzi Pizza.

Jon of "Jon and Kate Plus 8" is engaged to, Hailey Glassman, a wild woman of seriously questionable character. "But I am certain, once the bright spotlight of sudden fame dims, this relationship will thrive" said nobody in their right mind.

Jon of "Jon and Kate Plus 8" is engaged to Hailey Glassman, a well-known wild drunk and drugged-up party girl and gold-digging attention whore. This Jon moron has worse taste in woman than Elliot Spitzer.

Tina Fey's "30 Rock" has received 22 Emmy nominations. Fey should also receive a nomination for her "Saturday Night Live" impression of Sarah Palin. Unlike the subject, that impression doesn't quit.

"30 Rock" received 22 Emmy nominations. Including the-less-coveted nomination for Tracy Morgan in the "Best Actor Most Likely To Follow His Character To Jail" category.

Now, I don't want to say President Obama's opening All Star pitch was slow, but, as a pitcher, he makes a tremendous bowler.

Now, I don't want to say President Obama's opening All Star pitch was slow, but, by the time it hit the glove, Manny Rameriz had gone through menopause.

Fashionistas are complaining that President Obama wore loose-fitting "Mom jeans" when he threw his pitch at the All Star game. What the . . . ? I don't want my President wearing tight jeans, the last thing I want to see is Obama's stimulus package.

The Republican men are having a hard time with Supreme Court Nominee, Sonia Sotomayor. For whatever reason, they just cannot get her to to back their strict "Bros before Ho's" policy.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Renee Zellweger is going to star in another "Bridget Jones" movie. This is great news because what the world needs more than anything is another interview where Renee tells us how hard it is to gain 30 pounds for the part.

A French tennis player had his drug suspension lifted because he claimed he tested positive for cocaine because he kissed a girl in a club. Right now Manny Rameriz is kicking himself.

A French tennis player had his drug suspension lifted because he claimed he tested positive for cocaine because he kissed a girl in a club. When this guy was a kid, I bet his dog didn't just eat his homework, his dog marinated it and sauteed it with a nice red wine and mushroom reduction sauce.

A French tennis player had his drug suspension lifted because he claimed he tested positive for cocaine because he kissed a girl in a club. Yeah, and, after he kissed her, he tripped to his knees and landed with a straw up his nose on a table full of cocaine and then he inhaled. Ten times.
Biggie up, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

In a paid interview with a London tabloid, LaToya Jackson claims her brother, Michael, was murdered by his sleazy entourage. In fact, Michael's entourage was so sleazy it would stoop to cashing in on his death by making wild accusations to a cheesy British tabloid.

Prior to her selling out her dead brother, Michael Jackson, to a sleazy British tabloid, people were asking; "Where is LaToya Jackson?" This marks the first time in history anyone has asked; "Where is LaToya Jackson?"

Pizza Hut announced it is changing its name to The Hut. A spokesperson for The Hut declined to comment when asked if the change had anything to do with their regular customer's resemblance to Jabba the Hut.

This just in: Neither VP Joe Biden nor any US Governor has done or said anything really stupid for the last 24 hours.

Barack Obama threw out the first pitch at the All Star game; coincidentally, Sarah Palin threw out the first pitch at the Alaska minor league All Star game, but the pitch stopped halfway and quit.

Barack Obama threw out the first pitch at the All Star Game, afterwards, Joe Biden annoyingly yammered; "Hey, batter, batter, batter, swing batter" the entire game.

There is a new Osama bin Laden tape. In it bin Laden pledges death to America and he hopes those two crazy kids, Jon and Kate, can work things out.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Do not be an A.C. Slater hater, you French fried purtater, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

When Michael Jackson died, at the press conference, the Rev Al Sharpton introduced Joe Jackson who immediately proceeded to promote his record company. You know what you call Joe Jackson standing next to Rev. Al Sharpton? The three sleaziest people alive.

Former NBA star Antoine Walker is accused of owing almost a million dollars to Las Vegas casinos. In a related story, three women immediately announced they were mistaken about Walker being the father of their baby.

Since you asked:

Worked out like a horry beast? Check. Mont Gay and coconut water and lime? Check. Fillet Mignon marinated in olive oil? Check. Garlic roasting in the oven for the roasted garlic butter on the grilled corn on the cob? Check. Charcoal heating in the chimney? Check. All Star Game/ Tour De France recorded? Check. Grilling to Don Henley tunes on a beautiful warm sunset in my beloved California?

The frickin' Eagle has landed.

"I think it's about forgiveness, forgiveness, even if, even if you don't love me anymore." Don "Mother F'in" Henley. Voice of velvet sandpaper.
The beasts, Kasey and Wrigley, enjoy their Doggie HD TV.

We gonna jack it up 'til they pack it up, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Joe Jackson has pocketed $500,000 cashing in on interviews about his son, Micheal's, death. If I was Tito I would sleep with both eyes open.

Ryan Seacrest signed a new deal with "American Idol" that is worth $45 mil; it's not as big as it sounds, that is $10 mil after they take out the price of hair care products. ranked the top ten horniest countries and Greece finished first. Of course, the country is named after a lubricant. ranked the top ten horniest countries and France didn't make the list. That's due to the economy, the French don't have American tourists to screw over.

A survey claims 27% of Americans are slightly worried ab0ut paying off their credit cards. Another survey claims 100% of lame surveys can chomp on my junk until bats fly out of their butts.

They thought New York was infested with raccoons. Turns out a lot of them are just rats wearing that slutty Amy Winehouse mascara. ranked the top ten horniest countries and the men of Hungary are very upset at being left off. After all, you can't spell Hungary without . . . ary.

Since you asked:

Folks, if you're not on the Twitter yet, you really should be if nothing else to plunge the depths of the vast mind of Paris Hilton. She honest-to-god makes comments like "We should help the refugees in Africa" and "Robert DeNiro is a good actor" and "Summer is so cool" and "Going to get a facial"

Let us all hold our collective breaths for more insightful comments from Paris like; "Mean people suck."

When Paris comments you can actually taste her lip gloss and stupidity.

Apropos of nothing, you know what they need in Congress? A kiss cam.

And when is somebody going to nut-up and do a Rap version of "California Dreaming"?

"Yo, yo, yo, check it, ya'll, all the leaves are brown . . ."

Lex's deep thought of the day:

Talking baby talk to your doggies is like picking your nose: it is only disgusting if someone else is doing it.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Here is a little factory shop tour into the workings of a comedy writer writing a joke.

I got nothing in my head right now and I am going to write a joke.

OK, hey how about that Sarah Palin? She, well she hasn't been in the news this week.

I got it. President Obama is in Europe and he isn't President Bush so he didn't say anything funny.

Phew, how about, wow that Lance Armstrong is sure doing great in that, oh crap, sure I could make a lame French joke, but that is such a cheap shot.

What I got is I got nothing . . .