The man credited with having the world's largest penis was turned down for a role on HBO's series "Hung." HBO's exact words were, "Thanks, Mr. Kaseberg, but we don't want to intimidate the viewers."

The latest "Harry Potter" movie was #1 at the box office. This one is a little more risque because Harry is older. I think the full name is "Harry Potter and The Sunbathing MILF."

If there is one thing I cannot stand, it is name dropping. In fact, on the charter to Paris to see Mick, Keith, Charlie and Ronnie and the boys, I was telling Brad and Angelina that it is so important to try and stay humble in the throws of greatness.

The Harry Potter craze has spawned a new type of music called Wizard Rock. It is the perfect background music for not getting laid.

Along with the Harry Potter-inspired music, Wizard Rock also created the first group of rock musicians who don't have groupies.

A 17-year-old, Zac Sunderland, set a record to be the youngest person to circumnavigate the globe. It was awkward, when former President Bush heard this he said; "Ouch, I bet that circumnavigation hurts, but it is a Jewish tradition."

Since you asked:

Charity and conservation are the new extravagances.

As a result, it has never been a better time to be a broke-ass single guy.

"Sure, driving a Prius is better for the environment, but, for me, they still use up too many fossil fuel resources to construct them, that's why I use a bus pass. It is greener."

"Sweety, I know it is my turn to pay, but I went a little crazy this month and donated my entire pay check to the Livestrong Foundation. Do you mind getting dinner this time?"

Last time I checked, California had a $42 billion dollar deficit. And yet we passed a law making talking on your hand-held cell phone illegal, but all I see are a-holes driving and talking on their hand-held cell phones. If we just enforced the law, we could make a fortune.

We have a seemingly endless supply of rude, classless a-holes, why not make them pay the deficit? Triple the fines for parking in a red zone, talking on a hand held cell or text-messaging while driving. While we are at it, make talking on a cell phone in front of a captive audience in a store or elevator or any public place illegal and make the fine huge.

They tax the hell out of my wine. OK, fine. I'll help out, it won't kill me to drink less wine. I don't smoke, but it's the same with cigarettes. Good. Nobody should smoke. Really expensive restaurants should have a much bigger tax.

Let's keep going with that. Make a huge luxury tax not just on summer homes and yachts and expensive cars, but tax the stuff real a-holes buy. If someone spends $100,000 on rapper jewelry, they should have to pay $25,000 in taxes. A $1,000 tie? $100 in taxes. Tax the ever loving living hell out of plastic surgery. We are the ones who have to get scared looking at these scary people, make them pay higher taxes for it.

If you want to collect fine art, that is fine, but we are going to put a tax on a painting that costs $100,000 that will make the Mona Lisa choke.

Hair plugs should be taxed to high heaven. Triple the taxes on tattoos. Hummers should be taxed up to their fenders. Tax the hell out of chartered flights. Really expensive champagne should have triple the tax of my cheap ass California Cabernet.

This is not to say let's just tax the hell out of the rich.

No, let the rich get rich. It helps everyone. And then if they turn around and donate some of that wealth to charity than everyone benefits. Do not restrict successful and rich people from getting rich.

Tax the A-holes with really tacky taste. The ones who spend lavishly. But tax the lavish spending, not their income. Gambling taxes should double right now. Forget taxing marijuana, place a huge - not prison - but a huge fine on getting caught using any drug but especially cocaine and meth. Those are the a-holes, not potheads. They would much rather pay than go to prison. It makes money as opposed to spending money sending them to jail.

Call it the CCT & F, Conspicuous Consumption Tax and Fines.

Put a massive fine on excessive litigators.

Triple the fines for rolling through and running stop signs. Talking on a cell phone or text-messaging in a movie or play? Make it illegal and make the fine huge.

15 items in the ten items or less line? Huge fine. Changing lanes without signaling? Triple the fine.

Make any act of road rage a huge fine.

We have two huge problems right now in California: the deficit and rude, inconsiderate and selfish and classless a-holes.

Make the latter pay for the prior.

No need to thank me, California, it's what I do . . . it's what I do.

(Polite applause)