Saturday, April 04, 2009

Give a holla when yah see a playa on the street, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Crime and punishment
Former Ill Gov Rod Blagojevich was indicted on 16 counts including fraud, extortion, racketeering and the lesser charge of hair gel and foam mousse abuse.

Coming soon, if you know what I mean . . .
Singer Elvis Crespo was accused by a fellow passenger of masturbating on a flight from Houston to Miami. Look for Crespo’s next single, a remake of Eric Clapton’s “Hand Jive.”

Times have changed
In Illinois a 24-year-old teacher was arrested for having sex with her 16-year-old male student. When I was in high school, I got sent to detention for trying to park my car in my teacher’s spot.

Oh please
French President Nicolas Sarkozy has threatened to walk out of the G20 conference if tighter banking controls are not issued. Oh please, Dude, if you want to sneak out and have sex with your hot wife, Carla Bruni, just do it, don’t make lame excuses.

A little French guy quitting and running away? Mon Dieu, who has ever heard of such a thing?

Of course they did
Singer Elvis Crespo was accused by a fellow passenger of masturbating on a flight from Houston to Miami. When the airline found out, they charged Crespo a special $100 self-exploration fee.

Oh please, cut me a slice of that
A French pole vaulter, who lost his Nike sponsorship, is trying to attract new sponsors by running naked with a pole vault pole through the streets of Paris. Can you imagine? A naked muscular guy running with a long pole in his hand? Or as Richard Simmons calls that: Heaven.

My guess
Until he is reinstated to the NFL, former imprisoned dog fighter, Michael Vick, will have to get a job to fulfill his parole terms. For now I am guessing pet groomer and dog walker are out.

Since you asked:

"Sports Illustrated" stated that PETA has protest and boycott plans for Michael Vick including demanding he take a test to see if he is mentally stable.

Only PETA could be so annoying they could make a convicted dog fighter sympathetic. Look, I don't want Vick on the Bears or the Chargers, but the guy did do his time. Vick and his conscience - if in fact he has one - have to grapple with how he made innocent dogs suffer and die, but Vick has paid his debt to society and he now has the right to try and redeem himself as well as make a living.

Friday, April 03, 2009

The NFL draft is this weekend and it is a very exciting time for the Cincinnati Bengals. They have a high first round draft pick plus they traded a player for two felons and a suspect to be named later.

The NFL draft is this weekend and top prospect D.J. Raji has already failed a drug test. Or as the Cincinnati Bengals call that: a head start.
So check it, listen up dawg, you kept it real so I was, like, what? There were some pitchy moments but overall it was the bomb, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Let me apologize ahead of this one

The Sham Wow pitchman, Vince Shlomi, was arrested for fighting with a prostitute. Ironically the fight started because she was on the rag.

The fight started because he wanted to make no payments for six months.

Here we are months into Barack Obama’s presidency and still no first dog. How hard can it be to pick out a dog? You chose one that is gentle, cute, friendly and doesn’t pee on the floor, just like how John McCain picked a running mate.

Again with the sorry
In the Gulf of Aden, seven pirates who shot at a German ship were run down and captured. These pirates are in serious trouble, they will probably go to prison and do harrrrd time.

Didn’t think it through
A French pole vaulter, who lost his Nike sponsorship, is trying to attract new sponsors by running naked with a pole vault pole through the streets of Paris. Is that a good idea? A guy trying to impress people by running naked in the cold March Paris air with a 16 foot pole?

There was an embarrassing moment when thousands of Parisians thought the naked guy was attacking and surrendered to him.

It works too well
Johnson & Johnson has come out with a new pill that cures premature ejaculation. The way it works is that you take the pill and then two minutes later it suddenly makes you think of the chicks on “The View.”

Please explain these words to me
The Chicago Bears made a great trade for Denver Bronco quarterback Jay Cutler. Longtime Bear fans are bewildered and wandering around downtown Chicago pointing to a sports page and asking strangers what the words “Chicago Bears made a great trade” actually mean? They’ve never seen them before.

Thursday, April 02, 2009

Even your emotions have an echo in so much space, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The government is planning to tax Internet porn. Why would anyone pay to watch really horrible acting when they can see it on NBC prime time for free?

Buy, sell, take penicillin
One day the market is up the next it is down, up and down up and down, on and off, on and off, this isn’t a bull or bear market, it’s a Paris Hilton market.

What’s in a name?
An English survey ranks the happiest male name as Joshua. The unhappiest male name? Osama Bernie Madoff Blagojevich.

Them too
The Feds are now going after the entire Bernie Madoff family. Right now they are going after Bernie Madoff’s brothers, Tito and Germaine Madoff.

And look out Bernie Madoff’s sons, Udai and Qusai Madoff.

Ruth Madoff is now accusing Bernie Madoff of having an extra-marital affair. Like Bernie wasn’t screwing enough people before.

Why did I come in here?
Happy belated birthday to Warren Beatty who is 72. Warren Beatty is at that awkward age where he walks into a room and asks “Now who was I having sex with?”

Singer Elvis Crespo was accused by a fellow passenger of masturbating on a flight from Houston to Miami. Apparently Elvis loves to fly and it shows.

If Elvis Presley was the King, I guess that makes Elvis Crespo the Jack.

First off the line
The US government is now in the car business. This explains the latest car line, the new GM Ineptitude.

Dennis Rodman was fired by Donald Trump on “Celebrity Apprentice.” Rodman had to go, his piercings, tattoos and dyed blonde hair scared that thing on Donald Trump’s head.

Dennis Rodman was fired by Donald Trump on “Celebrity Apprentice.” They fired him for drinking on the job. They could tell Rodman was drunk when he hit on Joan and Melissa Rivers.

Oh, now that’s just gross
Singer Elvis Crespo was accused by a fellow passenger of masturbating on a flight from Houston to Miami. He could face charges, but worse, the airline could fine him for bringing more than three ounces of fluid on the plane.

Since you asked:

Let us once and for all end the question of is Tiger Woods the greatest golfer of all time. Of course he is. Jack Nicklaus would tell you he could not have won 18 majors under the current competition. Although it is an amazing feet, 18 is just a number. A number that Tiger will shatter eventually. The discussion should be is Tiger Woods the greatest athlete of all time? Physically there have been some amazing athletes, starting off with Michael Jordan and Jim Brown. But Jordan can't break 90 in golf very often. And Brown didn't start even every game against the hottest 100 competitors in the sport and compete for four days with fans ten feet away screaming their faces off.

Oh, and another discussion is closed as to who are the biggest douche bags in sports. Sure, there is a strong argument for those cheesy tools who camp on their cell phones behind home plate and wave at the camera like the vapid morons they are. But even they can't out douche bag the mouth-breathing nimrods who scream "in the hole" at Tiger after a tee shot on a par five. Not to tell Barack what to do, but if I was President, Tiger's caddy, Steve Williams, would be given a special clemency allowing him to kick whoever yells "In the hole" in the marbles. Twice.

Let's face it, in their worst and most drunken and idiotic states - and believe me, that is saying a lot - even Stewie Dawgs and Cletus "T-Bone" Terhune would not yell "In the hole" after a golf shot.

But I say let that big Aussie galoot, Williams, kick them in the oysters anyway.

And also:

Could you ask for two bigger extremes as examples of American celebrity than my man, "Sully" Sullenberger and that psycho she-witch, Nadiya Suleman? One was a true hero saving more than just 150 lives and then carrying himself with class and with a graceful deportment, the other is simply a Paris Hilton with more stretch marks. Although both trashy attention whores Paris and Nadiya's who-ha's have been busier than the Holland Tunnell at rush hour.

Oh no I di' . . . int.

Oh, and between "Saturday Night Live" and talk show jokes I am noticing a trend of lumping all bloggers into a stereotype of losers/nerds. Personally I find that offensive and if I hear anyone call a blogger a nerd again I shall produce my trusty light saber and smite them a wicked coup de gras rendering them asunder.

Speaking of nerds, now that we have Twitter, My Space, Facebook, blogs, text messages, e-mail, g-mail, IM's and cell phones, why don't you techie guys start to focus less on more ways of contacting people and, oh, let's say making batteries about a million times less sucky.

Imagine, if you will, if we see the kind of progress in batteries that we have seen in computer chips? We would end the energy crisis, the economic crisis, our dependence on foreign oil and global warming all at once.

So stop playing Dungeons and Dragons online and get to work, Poindexter.


Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Cletus “T-Bone” Terhune all up in this pieceizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Not good
Dennis Rodman was fired by Donald Trump on “Celebrity Apprentice.” Dennis’s chances were not good when Joan and Melissa Rivers weren’t the scariest looking ones in the boardroom.

Dennis Rodman was fired by Donald Trump on “Celebrity Apprentice.” Joan Rivers was so shocked her eyebrow almost moved.

The crazy octomom, Nadiya Suleman, refuses to divulge the name of the father. Thus earning the undying gratitude of an eternally grateful Tom Brady.

Same thing
We started with 64 and just like that we are down to the final four. But enough about the US’s solvent financial institutions, the NCAA tournament is down to the semi finals.

A study reveals the state of Louisiana is the unhealthiest state. What do you expect? The Louisiana state motto is “Does this look infected to you?”

What do you expect? Louisiana’s state bird is a Popeye’s fried chicken.

Matt Lauer took time off the today show after injuring his shoulder after running into a deer on his bicycle. Lauer said it was creepy, right before he hit the deer it froze like a Kathy Lee Gifford in the headlights.

President Barack Obama only has one team from his brackets in the final four, North Carolina. His other picks, Memphis, Louisville and Pittsburgh all lost. This just in, Memphis, Louisville and Pittsburgh have had a hold placed on their stimulus package funds.

Since you asked:

As I wait for my upcoming sob-fest to arrive via the mail from Amazon, i.e. the “Marley & Me” DVD, let’s do a little segment all the good people here at a.L.b.b. like to call:

Doting on the doggies

Kasey is getting up there but she is still as cute as she can be. Her face is all white and she can’t hear or see all that well, but she is every bit as sweet as ever. Now, when I am sitting on the floor, she likes to nuzzle her little look-of-worried-concern furrowed eyebrows against my leg.

Plus Kasey has always been a shameless tummy rub con artist. She hunkers down acting all cute to get you to pet her and the second you scratch her back, she flops over on her back with her paws dropping down up by her fuzzy face with a look of “Well? What are you waiting for?”

Wrigley Telluride is one dunderheaded dog, but he is awful cute. He likes to sit right and front of me with his ears pinned back and a goofy grin on his hound-doggy face as his head and shoulders subtly sway right to left because he is sitting on his wagging tail. He arches his head up and back when you scratch his chest

If I am sitting on the couch Wrigley will foist his big goofy head under my hand to induce a head scratching then he thinks he is very clever how he then walks forward to put my hand in position for a good butt scratching.

We dote on dem doggies is what we done do.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Ball it, jack it and crack it, beyatch puhleaze, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Unhealthy state
A study reveals the state of Louisiana is the unhealthiest state. What do you expect? Their state motto is; “That fried possum shore is a repeatin’ on me.”

Well, that’s something, I guess
Grammy-winning singer Elvis Crespo was accused by a fellow passenger of masturbating on a flight from Houston to Miami. The bad news is he could face charges, the good news is he made the mile high club all by himself.

They did not arrest Crespo, but once they landed in Miami the pilot threw the jerk off.

Crespo claims he was just putting his trey table in its full upright and locked position.

Low turnout
This week eight tourists were the first Westerners to be officially sanctioned vacationers to Iraq; although attendance was low at the Hotel’s “Death to Infidel Dogs” Happy Hour.

How cheap is it?
The world’s cheapest car is going on sale in India, the Tata Nano. To give you an idea how cheap the Nano is, when you fill it up you double its value.

NASA says the urine-to-drinking- water processor is malfunctioning on the space station; the quality of the water has gone from spring brook, to city tap water down to public kiddy pool.

How hairy is he?
Robin Williams is recovering from heart surgery. Just to give you an idea exactly how hairy Robin Williams is, during the operation, for legal reasons, there had to be a veterinarian present.

New program
According to the Center for Disease Control, guys who are circumcised have less chance of getting HIV and two sexually transmitted diseases. It is part of the CDC’s new program to promote circumcision called; “Guys Without Hoods Are Out of the Woods.”

Since you asked:
Shout out to my two pals Stewie Dawgs and Cletis “T-Bone” Terhune.

Thursday night jam session at a good old fashioned dive/Chicago-style tavern in Escondido. Downtown Escondido is very old school Fifties style California town. (Think “American Graffiti”) The bar, Pounders, had pool tables in the front and the dance/band area in the back.

Big ol’ bar mirror, brick walls and a hardwood floor.

Good stage and lighting. The sound was a little muddled but we rocked pretty good until midnight. The majority of the crowd stayed until 11:30.

Saturday it was back to Escondido for Ann Caroline’s track meet where AC made us proud by winning her 100 and anchoring the winning 4 X 100 relay. Grilled garlic marinated and mesquite smoked tri tip. And wine. More wine. And food for my beasts.

Sunday there was a pool party, then track practice. And then I watched Tiger be Tiger in a way nobody can be Tiger but Tiger is Tiger on the blessed DVR delay.


And “T-Bone” Terhune.

Monday, March 30, 2009

We got the random with abandon up in this here beeee-yah-ha-yah-itch, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

NASA says the urine-to-drinking- water processor is malfunctioning on the Space station; they tried to put a positive spin on it by offering a new zesty asparagus-flavored Tang.

Donald Trump has his own line of meat. (no, the boxes aren’t topped with a toupee) Trump’s Kobe beef filet costs over $150 a pound. Nobody has paid that much for meat since, well, Alex Rodriguez and Elliot Spitzer.

That close
Front row seats at Yankee Stadium are going for $2,600. But they are good seats, you are close enough to inject steroids in the player’s butts.

Matt Lauer is not on the “Today” show after a run in on his bike with a deer. It was scary, right before the collision the deer looked like a Matt Lauer caught in the headlights.

Michelle Obama has started a vegetable garden in the White House lawn. It was a little awkward today when she dug up an empty crate of Viagra dated from the Clinton administration.

What a cut up
Robin Williams is doing well following heart surgery. Always the cut up, Williams woke from the operation and said; “What does a scar on my chest have to do with my penis reduction surgery?”

So far out
54-year-old Bruce Willis married 30-year-old Emma Hemming, a Victoria Secret model. To give you and idea, Hemming is so hot, she is out of Bruce Willis’s league and I can’t even buy a ticket to watch a game played in Bruce Willis’s league.

That’s how
The new $2000 car the Tata Nano is coming out. To give you an idea how stripped down this car is the radio is a kazoo.

So that’s good
The new $2000 car the Tata Nano is coming out. It is just ten feet long and the body contains plastic and there are no airbags. But, in case of an accident, they do provide a tag you wear that has your dental records.

A survey reveals 84% of women think it is OK to snoop through their man’s stuff. The other 16% are still creeped out from finding their man’s “Grannies Gone Wild” DVD.

Not likely
Matt Lauer is off the “Today” show after the talk show host ran into a deer on his bike. Incidentally, there is absolutely no chance you will ever hear the words Rush Limbaugh connected with talk show host ran into a deer on his bike.