So check it, listen up dawg, you kept it real so I was, like, what? There were some pitchy moments but overall it was the bomb, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Let me apologize ahead of this one
The Sham Wow pitchman, Vince Shlomi, was arrested for fighting with a prostitute. Ironically the fight started because she was on the rag.

The fight started because he wanted to make no payments for six months.

Easy
Here we are months into Barack Obama’s presidency and still no first dog. How hard can it be to pick out a dog? You chose one that is gentle, cute, friendly and doesn’t pee on the floor, just like how John McCain picked a running mate.

Again with the sorry
In the Gulf of Aden, seven pirates who shot at a German ship were run down and captured. These pirates are in serious trouble, they will probably go to prison and do harrrrd time.

Didn’t think it through
A French pole vaulter, who lost his Nike sponsorship, is trying to attract new sponsors by running naked with a pole vault pole through the streets of Paris. Is that a good idea? A guy trying to impress people by running naked in the cold March Paris air with a 16 foot pole?

There was an embarrassing moment when thousands of Parisians thought the naked guy was attacking and surrendered to him.

It works too well
Johnson & Johnson has come out with a new pill that cures premature ejaculation. The way it works is that you take the pill and then two minutes later it suddenly makes you think of the chicks on “The View.”

Please explain these words to me
The Chicago Bears made a great trade for Denver Bronco quarterback Jay Cutler. Longtime Bear fans are bewildered and wandering around downtown Chicago pointing to a sports page and asking strangers what the words “Chicago Bears made a great trade” actually mean? They’ve never seen them before.