Thursday, April 02, 2009

Even your emotions have an echo in so much space, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The government is planning to tax Internet porn. Why would anyone pay to watch really horrible acting when they can see it on NBC prime time for free?

Buy, sell, take penicillin
One day the market is up the next it is down, up and down up and down, on and off, on and off, this isn’t a bull or bear market, it’s a Paris Hilton market.

What’s in a name?
An English survey ranks the happiest male name as Joshua. The unhappiest male name? Osama Bernie Madoff Blagojevich.

Them too
The Feds are now going after the entire Bernie Madoff family. Right now they are going after Bernie Madoff’s brothers, Tito and Germaine Madoff.

And look out Bernie Madoff’s sons, Udai and Qusai Madoff.

Ruth Madoff is now accusing Bernie Madoff of having an extra-marital affair. Like Bernie wasn’t screwing enough people before.

Why did I come in here?
Happy belated birthday to Warren Beatty who is 72. Warren Beatty is at that awkward age where he walks into a room and asks “Now who was I having sex with?”

Singer Elvis Crespo was accused by a fellow passenger of masturbating on a flight from Houston to Miami. Apparently Elvis loves to fly and it shows.

If Elvis Presley was the King, I guess that makes Elvis Crespo the Jack.

First off the line
The US government is now in the car business. This explains the latest car line, the new GM Ineptitude.

Dennis Rodman was fired by Donald Trump on “Celebrity Apprentice.” Rodman had to go, his piercings, tattoos and dyed blonde hair scared that thing on Donald Trump’s head.

Dennis Rodman was fired by Donald Trump on “Celebrity Apprentice.” They fired him for drinking on the job. They could tell Rodman was drunk when he hit on Joan and Melissa Rivers.

Oh, now that’s just gross
Singer Elvis Crespo was accused by a fellow passenger of masturbating on a flight from Houston to Miami. He could face charges, but worse, the airline could fine him for bringing more than three ounces of fluid on the plane.

Since you asked:

Let us once and for all end the question of is Tiger Woods the greatest golfer of all time. Of course he is. Jack Nicklaus would tell you he could not have won 18 majors under the current competition. Although it is an amazing feet, 18 is just a number. A number that Tiger will shatter eventually. The discussion should be is Tiger Woods the greatest athlete of all time? Physically there have been some amazing athletes, starting off with Michael Jordan and Jim Brown. But Jordan can't break 90 in golf very often. And Brown didn't start even every game against the hottest 100 competitors in the sport and compete for four days with fans ten feet away screaming their faces off.

Oh, and another discussion is closed as to who are the biggest douche bags in sports. Sure, there is a strong argument for those cheesy tools who camp on their cell phones behind home plate and wave at the camera like the vapid morons they are. But even they can't out douche bag the mouth-breathing nimrods who scream "in the hole" at Tiger after a tee shot on a par five. Not to tell Barack what to do, but if I was President, Tiger's caddy, Steve Williams, would be given a special clemency allowing him to kick whoever yells "In the hole" in the marbles. Twice.

Let's face it, in their worst and most drunken and idiotic states - and believe me, that is saying a lot - even Stewie Dawgs and Cletus "T-Bone" Terhune would not yell "In the hole" after a golf shot.

But I say let that big Aussie galoot, Williams, kick them in the oysters anyway.

And also:

Could you ask for two bigger extremes as examples of American celebrity than my man, "Sully" Sullenberger and that psycho she-witch, Nadiya Suleman? One was a true hero saving more than just 150 lives and then carrying himself with class and with a graceful deportment, the other is simply a Paris Hilton with more stretch marks. Although both trashy attention whores Paris and Nadiya's who-ha's have been busier than the Holland Tunnell at rush hour.

Oh no I di' . . . int.

Oh, and between "Saturday Night Live" and talk show jokes I am noticing a trend of lumping all bloggers into a stereotype of losers/nerds. Personally I find that offensive and if I hear anyone call a blogger a nerd again I shall produce my trusty light saber and smite them a wicked coup de gras rendering them asunder.

Speaking of nerds, now that we have Twitter, My Space, Facebook, blogs, text messages, e-mail, g-mail, IM's and cell phones, why don't you techie guys start to focus less on more ways of contacting people and, oh, let's say making batteries about a million times less sucky.

Imagine, if you will, if we see the kind of progress in batteries that we have seen in computer chips? We would end the energy crisis, the economic crisis, our dependence on foreign oil and global warming all at once.

So stop playing Dungeons and Dragons online and get to work, Poindexter.