Thursday, December 04, 2008

These just in:

These Somali pirates are getting famous. This week a Somali pirate appeared on celebrity “Wheel of Fortune” but it didn’t go well; the only letter he could pick was R.

Britney Spears turned 27 this week. It was sweet, her ex, Kevin Federline, delivered Britney a Dominoes pizza for no charge.

The hookers in New York are offering a Plaxico Burress special; for $100 they will make you go off in your pants.
Tote that bail, crack that whip, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Just lose, baby

A cruise ship was attacked by pirates off of Yemen, but the Captain outran the pirate ship. In fact, the pirates were so badly outrun they were named honorary Oakland Raiders.

Good luck

On the space station they fixed the machine that turns urine into drinking water. Now they are working on a machine that takes NBC prime time shows and makes them watchable.

Good idea

On the space station they fixed the machine that turns urine into drinking water. In fact, it works so well they are going to take the urine-to-water machine to Washington to process all the leaks.

Quality is job #1598

I don’t want to say Ford is desperate to get congress to approve a bailout, but today Ford introduced a new car, the Ford Nancy Pelosi. It comes with a free grill lift. .

Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it

It was awkward, when informed Barack Obama was assembling his cabinet, President Bush said; “Yeah, that Ikea furniture can be tricky.”

How did that happen?

Hillary Clinton is the Secretary of State. In a related story, Monica Lewinski, Jennifer Flowers and Paula Jones have suddenly had their US citizenship revoked.

Since you asked:

Have you seen that Kristen Stewart is now being annoyed by her “Twilight” fans in England? This makes her an international bitchy little tool.

Have you seen the latest Warren Miller film? Man, it is good. I can't remember the name, but I think it is: "Crazy Dudes Jump Off Mountains No Sane Guy Would."

Attention whoever is handling Michael Phelps's out-of-the-water deals. Stop trying to sell the guy as sexy. It isn't working and it isn't going to work. Phelps is a good kid, an outstanding athlete, a great competitor, a nice guy, but he is never, ever going to be sexy. 

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

I'm tellin' you, these Somali pirates are brazen; today they started a food fight at a Long John Silver.

Yesterday they hijacked three Korean strippers named Yo, Ho and Ho. 

Tomorrow they are going to hijack Elliot Spitzer's hooker named Polly

Those Somali pirates are brazen and the money keeps coming in; today Levitra announced they would sponsor the pirate's swords. 

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

What, what, what, what, what, what, what, what Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

There is a documentary on failed San Diego Charger Ryan Leaf titled: “Leaf” That’s because the name “Biggest Loser” was already taken.

Olympic swimming hero Michael Phelps is dating a Las Vegas stripper known for her topless modeling; it’s all part of Phelps’s goal to stay on top of his breast stroke.

Barack Obama appointed Hillary Clinton Secretary of State and I think it is already working. Hillary is such an imposing diplomatic figure France has already tried to surrender three times.

Sarah Palin has a $7 mil book deal. The bad news is she gave the money to Joe the Embezzler.

New York Giant receiver Plaxico Burress shot himself in the thigh with an illegal handgun in a New York night club; the bad news is he is probably through with the Giants, the good news, after he shot himself, he was named an honorary Lehman Brother.

Since you asked:

Let’s play a rousing game of:

If Lex Was President

Eight team BCS playoffs

No designated hitter.

All sports must be played on real grass. (In domes the “turf” fields must be so realistic – with dirt and grass stains and some mud – it cannot be distinguished from real grass)

Automatic prison for all spam and virus writers

No prison for personal marijuana use (Not the same as making it legal)

Full debt responsibility split 50/50 between the borrower who accepted a loan they couldn't pay and the broker who gave them the loan.

All cell phone, text messaging, makeup applying and computer use while driving any moving vehicle is illegal and subject to a huge fine (Emergency exceptions must be proved in court)

Limit on the number of reality TV shows.

It is illegal to wave to the TV camera while on a cell phone. Double the fine if the person is at a baseball game sitting behind home plate.

It is illegal to wear the uniform and number of a player who is younger than you.

The Wave in stadiums? Illegal

No more subscription cards in magazines.

Mandatory limit of mailed catalogs.

Chain letter e-mails are illegal and senders are subject to a huge fine.

Door-to-door solicitation is illegal.

75% of golden parachute bonuses paid to failed CEO’s goes directly to taxes for education.

Fire lane parking automatic tow and a huge fine.

Cell phone yammering in front of two or more bystanders is illegal.

Audible talking in a movie theater during the movie subject to huge fine.

Any crime committed that was inspired by a Hip Hop song, the artist is liable and has to pay all legal fees.

30 minute nap breaks optional on all jobs.

Frivolous lawsuits are illegal, and marginally frivolous lawsuits, if lost, must have all court expenses paid by the plaintiff and their attorney.

It is illegal for celebrities and entertainers to use their access to the public –either through the press or during their performances - to air their political views unless the format or advertising of their show or performance specifically states their political views will be aired.

Crying child in a restaurant for over thirty seconds and the parents are subject to a huge fine.

Strict limit on the number of attorneys in the US.

All handguns are illegal.

Fruitcakes are banned.

Strict limits on Paparazzi access and harassment of celebrities. (Have to throw them a bone for making them shut up about politics)

Adult generated autographed sports memorabilia transactions are illegal.

Gay marriage is not illegal, but the rampant politically correct blackmail by the strident vocal minority is. (i.e. a handful of cranky Native Americans changing team mascot names)

It is illegal for any athlete to refuse an autograph for a child.

It is illegal for movie actors to discuss their craft.

Any athlete who tests positive for performance enhancing drugs is banned from their sport for life.

For thirty seconds each day, the chicks on “The View” have to shut up.

Have a scary, happy, merry Thankshallowistmas, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How rough is it?

This economy is rough, Ford announced they may sell Volvo, that’s nothing, Paris Hilton may sell her vulva.

Hillary Clinton was appointed Secretary of State thus answering my prayers for four more years of Clinton jokes.

Don’t mistake
On the space station they fixed that machine that turns urine into water. Now don’t confuse this with the Detroit Lions, they’re a machine that turns a football season into urine.

What an idiot
New York Giant receiver Plaxico Burress shot himself in the thigh with an illegal handgun in a New York nightclub; or as Adam “Pacman” Jones calls shooting yourself in a nightclub: cutting out the middleman.

New York Giant receiver Plaxico Burress shot himself in the thigh with an illegal handgun in a New York night club; that’s the stupidest thing he could do besides . . . no, that’s the single stupidest thing he could ever do.

Since you asked:
“Thanks a lot Lex, you ninny, by predicting Obama would not appoint Hillary Secretary of State, you’ve just stuck us with four more years of that caustic she-witch.”

Now hang on there, inner tirade, not so fast. Hillary has shown herself to be a good sport with a sense of humor. And she may be a she-witch, but according to her constituents in New York, she was an awesome she-witch. She gets things done. That is just what you want in a Secretary of State. Would you want to mess with Hillary? Hell, Bill Clinton doesn’t want to mess with Hillary. Terrorists don't want to mess with Hillary.

Oh, and in case you were wondering, Kristen Stewart is still a snotty little annoying tool.

Monday, December 01, 2008

The bird was the word, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Not good

The economy is so rough Elliot Spitzer had to hire a hooker named Penny.


Did you have a good Thanksgiving? Mine was good but I got really sleepy and drowsy from that thing on Thanksgiving that knocks you out, what’s that called? Oh yeah, the NFL games.

Not the same

On the space station they fixed that machine that turns urine into water. Now don’t confuse this with the NFL, they’re a machine that turns Thanksgiving football into urine.

Not since then

All the NFL games on Thanksgiving were boring blowouts. There hasn’t been anything this lopsided since Nicolette Sheridan started dating David Spade.

Getting older

The next Harry Potter film is in the works, but these kids are getting up there; I think this one is called “Harry Potter and the Booty Call.”