Tuesday, December 02, 2008

What, what, what, what, what, what, what, what Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

There is a documentary on failed San Diego Charger Ryan Leaf titled: “Leaf” That’s because the name “Biggest Loser” was already taken.

Olympic swimming hero Michael Phelps is dating a Las Vegas stripper known for her topless modeling; it’s all part of Phelps’s goal to stay on top of his breast stroke.

Barack Obama appointed Hillary Clinton Secretary of State and I think it is already working. Hillary is such an imposing diplomatic figure France has already tried to surrender three times.

Sarah Palin has a $7 mil book deal. The bad news is she gave the money to Joe the Embezzler.

New York Giant receiver Plaxico Burress shot himself in the thigh with an illegal handgun in a New York night club; the bad news is he is probably through with the Giants, the good news, after he shot himself, he was named an honorary Lehman Brother.

Since you asked:

Let’s play a rousing game of:

If Lex Was President

Eight team BCS playoffs

No designated hitter.

All sports must be played on real grass. (In domes the “turf” fields must be so realistic – with dirt and grass stains and some mud – it cannot be distinguished from real grass)

Automatic prison for all spam and virus writers

No prison for personal marijuana use (Not the same as making it legal)

Full debt responsibility split 50/50 between the borrower who accepted a loan they couldn't pay and the broker who gave them the loan.

All cell phone, text messaging, makeup applying and computer use while driving any moving vehicle is illegal and subject to a huge fine (Emergency exceptions must be proved in court)

Limit on the number of reality TV shows.

It is illegal to wave to the TV camera while on a cell phone. Double the fine if the person is at a baseball game sitting behind home plate.

It is illegal to wear the uniform and number of a player who is younger than you.

The Wave in stadiums? Illegal

No more subscription cards in magazines.

Mandatory limit of mailed catalogs.

Chain letter e-mails are illegal and senders are subject to a huge fine.

Door-to-door solicitation is illegal.

75% of golden parachute bonuses paid to failed CEO’s goes directly to taxes for education.

Fire lane parking automatic tow and a huge fine.

Cell phone yammering in front of two or more bystanders is illegal.

Audible talking in a movie theater during the movie subject to huge fine.

Any crime committed that was inspired by a Hip Hop song, the artist is liable and has to pay all legal fees.

30 minute nap breaks optional on all jobs.

Frivolous lawsuits are illegal, and marginally frivolous lawsuits, if lost, must have all court expenses paid by the plaintiff and their attorney.

It is illegal for celebrities and entertainers to use their access to the public –either through the press or during their performances - to air their political views unless the format or advertising of their show or performance specifically states their political views will be aired.

Crying child in a restaurant for over thirty seconds and the parents are subject to a huge fine.

Strict limit on the number of attorneys in the US.

All handguns are illegal.

Fruitcakes are banned.

Strict limits on Paparazzi access and harassment of celebrities. (Have to throw them a bone for making them shut up about politics)

Adult generated autographed sports memorabilia transactions are illegal.

Gay marriage is not illegal, but the rampant politically correct blackmail by the strident vocal minority is. (i.e. a handful of cranky Native Americans changing team mascot names)

It is illegal for any athlete to refuse an autograph for a child.

It is illegal for movie actors to discuss their craft.

Any athlete who tests positive for performance enhancing drugs is banned from their sport for life.

For thirty seconds each day, the chicks on “The View” have to shut up.