Saturday, December 01, 2007

Here is a little tasty brunch recipe for a healthier version of eggs benedict I like to cal Eggs BeneLex. (Somehow Eggs Lexedict just didn’t sound nearly as good)

Two Eggs

English Muffin

Three Strips of Pre-cooked, ready-to-microwave bacon

Sour Cream

Newman’s Own Pineapple Salsa.

Lime Juice

For Lex’s pink taco sauce (watch the pink taco jokes, pal) first mix a healthy dollop of sour cream in a bowl with a slightly smaller dollop of the Newman’s pineapple salsa, add some fresh lime juice and mix until a sexy looking light pink. Put in the Fridge

Prepare to boil water in the egg poacher, before boiling, drop the English muffins in the toaster. When the water boils, drop the eggs in the poacher. Just as the eggs start to look done and the muffins pop up, cook the bacon in the microwave for one minute. Clean off the grease with a paper towel. The bacon will soon be crispy.

To plate, put down the halves of the English muffins on a plate, put the bacon on the muffins, a poached egg on the top of that, and spoon the Lex’s pink taco (careful) sauce on top of that. Bam the plate Emeril-style with paprika and or fresh chopped parsley, serve with coffee and a shot of fresh OJ mixed with Fresca. (Unsavory types could replace Fresca with Vodka)

Seriously, I have to start charging for these recipes.
Saturday Caffeine Fueled Rant

Something tells me folks are getting sick of all the Presidential debates. The next Republican Debate is titled: “The Candidates Square off on Campaign Reform and Non-Partisan . . . oh, who gives a crap?”

You know those great American Express print ads, like the one that features Tina Fey under her cluttered desk while her daughter, Alice, sits pecking at the laptop? Or Ellen DeGeneres playing poker at the kitchen table in her Pajamas with her dog?

If A.E. ever have me do one, right after pigs become airborne, I would be sitting on the oriental rug with my back against the couch, watching a DVR’d Hi Def recording of Jay/Dave/Conan and taking notes on a yellow legal pad while sipping a big ol’ vat o’ red wine and tossing pistachio nuts – or popcorn – to my two Labradors, Wrigley and Kasey, seated on either side of me.

That is the closest I get to a King Henry moment of tossing a lamb shank to his roving hunting dogs while guzzling wine out of a gold, bejeweled goblet.

The American Express adjecent survey's question about the perfect day?

Before dawn, stand Up paddleboarding as the sun comes up until exhaustion or one hour, whichever comes first. Usually exhaustion.

Drive home and hear my sports jokes on the morning drive show

Drop A.C. off at school, write jokes until noon

Thirty Minute coma-like nap

Write more jokes until brain fried and then head to store for stuff to barbeque for friends coming over for dinner. Stop for a tasty Margarita on the way home.

Grill steaks while listening to Lex's iPod Grilling Special Playlist on the outdoor speakers and watching hot air balloons in the near distance in the gloaming.

Eat dinner with Virg, AC and friends and then play poker with friends. Win.

(The Friday or Saturday night version of this would replace the grilling/dinner/poker with playing harmonica with my band at a good dive bar)

Watch good movie on home entertainment center while sipping wine and feeding the two beasts snacks.



It's not the VIP room with drunk supermodels but it is nice
Dette akkurat i :

This week “Entertainment Weekly” had an issue titled “The 50 Smartest People In Hollywood.” A grateful nations thanks a magazine that cannot possibly mention either Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan or Britney Spears.
We takin’ one to the dome for the team, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers.

Boyz 2 Cheeseheads

The Dallas Cowboys beat the Green Bay Packers 37-27.

Cowboy QB Tony Romo is dating Jessica Simpson. That’s hard for Romo’s lineman: “Let me get this straight, I get to bash my brains in to protect your little butt so you can sleep with Jessica Simpson? Yeah, I don’t think so.”

Muy malo
The new Tijuana Police chief has vowed to create an honest force.

To give you an idea how corrupt the last Tijuana Police force was, all they ever did was chase down the other cops who stole their bribe money.

For better or for worse, an American original
In sad news, daredevil Evel Knievel passed away.

Here is my question: if a motorcycle guy always falls and busts himself up, can he still be called a daredevil? Isn’t he just a nutty klutz?

In keeping with Evel’s last wish, the funeral will be fun when they fire the casket up a ramp and into the grave.

Not clever enough by half
Louisiana State University’s football coach, Les Miles, has accepted the Michigan job vacated by the retiring Lloyd Carr.

Personally I think it would be better if they both coached there at the same time. That way you would have (wait for it, wait for it) a Carr with Les Miles.

Since you asked:
Even though we here at the offices of a.L.B.b. are not effected by the writer's strike directly, primarily because I don't get paid for this, I want all the good people here at "A Little Bit Bad Productions" to know that I will personally be footing the bill for the non-writer's salaries during this tough time. It's a little something I like to call teamwork.

(Polite applause)

Speaking of the writer’s strike.
I just read a story with the huge headline “Joke on Jay Leno's Staff - No Pay." It even goes on to make a lame joke about the staff should call him Jay Cheapo.

But somehow, way down in the story, they somehow happen to mention that Leno just gave his staff a bonus of around $500,000 during the strike. And a few years ago he kicked in a bonus of $2 million for good measure. How about we call the writer of that story, Richard Huff, Dick Full-of-Sthuff?

And maybe, just maybe, by Leno paying a bonus instead of their salary, this may be a clever bookkeeping ploy to let the workers collect unemployment and draw a check? What a tool that Richard Huff is.

As I am a regular freelance contributor to Leno, I get paid by the joke. Period. He uses a joke they pay. Simple, right? No. One year, out of nowhere, Leno gave me a Christmas bonus of $500. He will also pay me for jokes that are similar to, but not actually, mine.

Honestly, I can see why some celebrities really hate the press.

Friday, November 30, 2007

This just in:
A man who claimed to have a bomb strapped to his chest, took hostages at Hillary Clinton’s campaign headquarters in New Hampshire and demanded to talk to Senator Clinton.

This was the scariest time for Hillary since the night Bill mistakenly took Viagra instead of Lipitor.
What’s the skinny on the ginny, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Nothing but losers

The Dallas Cowboys beat the Green Bay Packers 37-27.

The real score? Devoted, loyal and enthusiastic football fans, zero, greedy, rat-bastard, selfish, whore-monger NFL Network, zero.

And who can blame him?
Osama bin Laden has another video out.

Apparently Osama thinks it is shameful that Maria Osmond didn’t win “Dancing With The Stars.”

Name game
Notre Dame went 3-9 and will not be going to a bowl game.

In fact, if things got any worse they could shave their heads, expose their vagina and change their name to the Britney Spears.

Piano man
In a sign of tough retail times, the upscale department store chain, Nordstroms, announced they are fazing out the lobby piano players

On the bright side, Wal Mart announced they will now feature old guy greeters playing the kazoo.

How rainy was it?
Man it was raining hard in Los Angeles.

It was so rainy Lindsay Lohan was arrested for driving her row boat under the influence.

It was so rainy, Britney Spears had to put on her Burberry panties.

It was so rainy even Paris Hilton was smart enough to come in out of the rain.

Guess again, Tony
The Dallas Cowboys beat the Green Bay Packers 37-27.

Cowboy QB Tony Romo is dating Jessica Simpson. That’s hard for Romo’s lineman:

“Let me get this straight, I get to bash my brains in to protect your little butt so you can sleep with Jessica Simpson? I don’t think so.”

'Bama dog
Auburn cornerback Jarraud Powers suffered bites on his hand in Saturday's victory over Alabama when he strayed too close to a police dog just outside the end zone.

You think that’s bad? You don’t even want to know what the police dog did to the leg of the Auburn Tiger mascot.
Ceci juste dans:
The Human Development Index has been published. It ranks the countries in order of quality of life. France ranked 10th, ahead of the US’s 12th. In all candor, France would have ranked higher thanks to their beautiful landscape, incredible food and wine and gorgeous architecture, if not for the fact that, if you live in France, you have to be around the French.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Oh, it gonna do how it do when it gonna do what it do, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Fiesty ol’ gents

Things got heated during the republican debate between Rudy Giuliani and Mitt Romney. Well, heated for old, rich, white guys. At one point I believe the words balderdash and folderol were thrown about.

Things got heated during the republican debate between Rudy Giuliani and Mitt Romney. Well, heated for old, rich, white guys. It got so bad that members of Rudy and Mitt’s entourage engaged in a joint drive-by snubbing.

Things got heated during the republican debate between Rudy Giuliani and Mitt Romney. Well, heated for old, rich, white guys. At one point, Mitt scoffed at Rudy’s golf handicap and Rudy implied Mitt drank cheap six-year-old scotch.

Since you asked:
Just now I was reminiscing about the glorious Miss Teen South Carolina Map speech and it reminded me that a staple of comedy is somebody trying to sound a lot smarter than they are. Don King is a perfect example. He is hysterical and he has no idea why.

One of the comedy constants in my youth, growing up in the late Sixties in the Chicago area, was when the news would interview Chicago Police live at the crime scene. In the interest of a little background, it was fairly common knowledge that Chicago cops then were the toughest in the country. As we all saw, unfortunately, during the 1968 Democratic protests, the cops were mostly boarderline criminal thugs hired by the first Mayor Daley to crack skulls and they were good at it. What they weren’t good at was standing in front of a camera desperately trying to sound intelligent.

Sadly, as Chicago police now are much better educated and in these public relation situations, the Chicago Police finally realized they sounded like idiots so thus was born the slick and professional Police spokesperson. And so, tragically, the hilarity of the on-the-spot Chicago cop interview went the way of the buffalo.

But in the good ol’ days I would watch the evening news enthralled as the reporter would push a glassy-eyed, clearly terrified-stiff Sgt. Wolkowski in front of a camera and foist a microphone in his face. With abject terror choking his throat and a thick, thick Chicago accent filled with dah’s, dee’s, do’s dem’s and dat's, what resulted was high hilarity.

The next day on the playground at Crow Island elementary school we would take turns, Howie, Duncan and me, doing our best Sgt. Wolkowski in a voice ratchetted-up to Christopher Lloyd as Dr. Emmitt Brown in “Back to the Future” meets "SNL's" "Dah Bearssss" skit.

“Ehhhhh, dah perpetrator in said, uh, alleged malfeasance entered said domicile in what appears to be, uh, a illegal orientated forcible interlude. Dee alleged perpetrator den' confiscated wit’ a variety of dah electrical appliances and such various sundries. Uh, witnesses said dah alleged perpetrator was of dee male Caucasian persuasion . . .allegedly. Uh, the investigation of the perpetrator will go on in perpetualtuaty.”

Then Sgt. Wolkowski would look away and down with the chagrined expression of a guilty dog that knows it has just messed up horribly.

Good times, Slats and Nugs, good times, gooooooood times.

(Polite applause)

Memories . . .

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

This really just in:
Rumors out of Hollywood are that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s marriage is in jeopardy; in a related story, the Department of Health and Human Services has issued a statement recommending that nobody ever have sex again because, apparently, there is no point to it.
This just in:
The Dallas Cowboys are a seven-point favorite over the Green Bay Packers on Thursday. This is vital news to the people who have the NFL Network cable package and can watch the game. All nine of them.
The Last Straw
After a way-too-lengthy interview of Charles Barkley during the ABC telecast of the USC-Arizona State game, Sir Charles got a text message from Tiger Woods saying; “Will you shut up so I can watch the game?”

OK, Tiger. I got it. You are a better athlete than I am, you are way richer than I am, you’re married to someone far better looking than you are – well, I guess I am right with you there – you even have an adorable Labradoodle named Yogi who is even cuter than our really cute Labradors, Wrigley and Kasey – sorry pupsters, but it’s true - but, for the love of decency, at least let me be funnier than you are.

Let me ask you something, Mr. Doesn’t-tip-valet-or-cocktail-waitresses, have you won a t-shirt from “The Late Show with David Letterman” Online Top Ten Contest? Hmm? Huh? No? Oh, really? Not once? Well I’ve won ten of them, so suck it.

Narrator: “This just in. CBS has announced that, when the writer’s strike is over, Tiger Woods will be named the head writer of “The Late Show with David Letterman.”

Oh, darn it.

(Apologies to Amy Poehler for ripping off her "SNL" bit on Angelina Jolie)”
This also just in:
Al Gore was in the oval office for a ceremony for Noble Peace Prize winners. Sadly, this nice moment was marred when President Bush had to have the secret service physically remove an unrelenting Al Gore from the Oval Office.

Pourquoi sonne-t-ceci une cloche ?

French President Nicolas Sarkozy pleaded for Parisian rioters to stop their violent attacks; a French leader begging people not to attack? Why does that sound so familiar?

This month marks the 25th anniversary of arguably the most famous moment in college football -- California's miraculous comeback against Stanford on Nov. 20, 1982. Stanford fans remember this as an unfair ending to a great John Elway comeback, Cal fans saw it as a miraculous reward for not giving up, and the rest of us liked it because a tuba player got knocked on his ass.

In fact, the only way that play could have been any better is if the Cal football player also knocked over a banjo player, an entire mariachi band and a bagpiper.

"We've got a piper down, repeat, a piper is down."

(Polite applause for the obscure "So I Married An Axe Murderer" reference.
This just in:

OJ Simpson vehemently pleaded not guilty in Las Vegas to stealing sports memorabilia; in fact, his lawyers had a bold statement: “OJ did not steal that gear, so you all can stick it in your…” well, you got the idea.

And if OJ vehementally pleads that he is completely, 100 percent not guilty, we all know what that means: He's guilty.

Ricky don't twist that number
The Miami Dolphins report that Ricky Williams is gone for the year with a torn pectoral muscle. How ironic is that? For the first time ever, Ricky is out for the season and it has nothing to do with a joint.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

This just in:

Hey, slow down, there, eh, hoser? Cuidado, Amigo
To give you an idea how low the dollar is, Canadians are running south across our borders so fast to buy goods they are running into and knocking out the illegal immigrants running north from Mexico.
That is jacked up, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


It is rumored that the writers strike is almost over; when asked to comment, an executive for NBC Primetime said; “Television shows hire writers? When did this start?”

Oprah is supporting Barrack Obama. When asked what he thought about Oprah and Obama, President Bush replied; “That’s fun to say when you get in a conga line: “Oprah and Obama, hah, Oprah and Obama, ho, Oprah and Obama, hey.”

Dick Cheney had to have an electric shock applied to correct his irregular heartbeat; it was a very difficult procedure, the hardest part? Locating the troubled area.

The Pittsburgh Steelers beat the Miami Dolphins 3-0 with field goal in the last 17 seconds on a lumpy and sloppy field; the field was so lumpy and sloppy it was like playing football on top of Britney Spears.

The Pittsburgh Steelers beat the Miami Dolphins 3-0. Ricky Williams had 15 yards on six carries. On his last carry, Ricky slipped in the mud, injured his shoulder, fumbled, and was stepped on his back by a 300 pound lineman. Talk about a guy who needs to get stoned.

On Monday Night Football, the Pittsburgh Steelers beat the Miami Dolphins 3-0. Or as they call a 3-0 score in soccer, a blowout.

The Pittsburgh Steelers beat the Miami Dolphins 3-0 with field goal in the last 17 seconds on a lumpy and sloppy field; the field was so wet, muddy, lumpy and slimy it was like watching Rosie O’Donnell mud wrestle Michael Moore.

Detroit has been named the US’s most dangerous city; to which the city of Trenton, New Jersey cried as one: “Wait ‘til next year.”

400 harmonicas are being donated to the troops in Iraq; experts predict that, with 400 beginners trying to wheeze out “On Top of Old Smoky,” the insurgents will surrender in droves.

The good news is that 400 harmonicas have been sent to the troops in Iraq; it is actually a devious special ops recruiting ploy, as the 400 bunk mates of the fledgling harmonica players will then volunteer for suicide missions.

400 harmonicas are being donated to the troops in Iraq; experts predict that, with 400 beginners trying to wheeze out “On Top of Old Smoky” at least we will have found the weapons of mass distraction.

Since you asked:

Since you asked:
Shout out to my buddy Mark Snake for a great Sunday. Got up early and hit the bike hard at the gym to get the workout out of the way and headed up to Rancho Bernardo for golf at Oaks North, a very nifty executive course, par 62. Man, was I smacking the pill. For me anyway. Best I’ve ever played. Actually strung together two par threes back to back. Had a par on a par four, but the real story is there were no blow ups and snowmen (Eights). Mostly bogey golf, fours and fives, which I will take every time. It was a blast. It makes the game so much more fun when you get to take a little walk to your ball and you know where it is.

It was remarkable how normal things looked driving up I-15 North to Pomerado to Oaks North. But then Mark gave me a quick tour of the area hard hit by the fire directly above his street. Until you get to where the fire came over that famous ridge and destroyed all the homes in its path, all the damage seemed ruthlessly random. One, two, three, four houses fine and then one totaled. Mark’s front door matt was burned, that’s how close it came to him. It looked like the area had been bombed with one-house-at-a-time destroying bombs that fell haphazardly.

We then retired to the beautiful and classically Californian Rancho Bernardo Inn for a beverage or two and an awesome Angus beef steak sandwich at the bar and watched the beginning of the Chargers game. Mark's beautiful wife, Tracy, joined us all too briefly.

Truth-be-told Mark O’Snake, I stopped at Hernandez Hideaway on Lake Hodges on the way back to make sure the fire had not hurt their margarita machine. That area was scorched, you could see how a wall of fire raced through there. Many old rickety ranch homes leveled. One sight made me really sad. The quaint strawberry and vegetable stand on Del Dios, just south of Lake Hodges, was lost in the fire. Every time I drove by there I told myself that, next time, I would stop and load up on fresh goodies but I never did. Let that be a lesson: stop and smell the strawberries.

Then it was home to watch football/nap and observe my Fantasy team string together their Sixth win in a row, probably clinching a playoff spot after a 0-4 start, thanks to big games by Justin Fargus and Antonio Gates.

Knock on wood three times, Slats and Nuggies. (No, really, knock on wood three times)
It’s a club longer than it looks, “Two club breeze” and Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Lot of fun
Stephen Ames won $675,000 and the Skins tournament. Fred Couples pocketing $325,000; in case you don’t know, Skins is when rich golfers play for hundreds of thousands per hole and lavish prizes. It’s like watching Bill Gates scratching off winning lottery numbers.

Flea bitten
The Red Hot Chili Peppers bassist, Flea, lost his home in the Malibu fire. Flea is just glad everyone is OK and they plan to relocate and reside in the fur of another dog.

Getting up there
The Eagles were on “Sixty Minutes;” I don’t want to say the Eagles are getting old, but halfway during their performance of “Hotel California”: the band stopped and yelled at each other; “You punks turn that noise down.”

The Eagles were on “Sixty Minutes;” I don’t want to say the Eagles are getting old, but now instead of groupies, drugs and booze its water-aerobics, proscriptions, and Metamucil.

Hate to see that
The San Diego Chargers rolled over the lowly Baltimore Ravens, 32-14. I don’t want to say that the Ravens’ offense is bad, but on Thanksgiving, when they passed the Turkey, it was intercepted and returned for a touchdown.

Not good
The cruise ship Explorer struck an iceberg and sank in the Antarctic, nobody was injured but the seasick and frigid passengers will not be resigning for the Global Warming Tour any time soon.

The New York Giants were crushed by the Minnesota Vikings 42-17, thanks to Eli Manning’s four interceptions, three returned for touchdowns. It was bad enough that Manning was benched, Giant fans now call him Jimmy Christ in reference to Jesus’s useless brother James.

Better Rex
The Chicago Bears helped the Chargers by beating the Denver Broncos in overtime, 37-34. Rex Grossman had a good game. To give San Diegans an idea how badly Rex has been playing this year, Rex has made Phillip Rivers look like Tom Brady on a date with a drunk super model.