The Last Straw
After a way-too-lengthy interview of Charles Barkley during the ABC telecast of the USC-Arizona State game, Sir Charles got a text message from Tiger Woods saying; “Will you shut up so I can watch the game?”

OK, Tiger. I got it. You are a better athlete than I am, you are way richer than I am, you’re married to someone far better looking than you are – well, I guess I am right with you there – you even have an adorable Labradoodle named Yogi who is even cuter than our really cute Labradors, Wrigley and Kasey – sorry pupsters, but it’s true - but, for the love of decency, at least let me be funnier than you are.

Let me ask you something, Mr. Doesn’t-tip-valet-or-cocktail-waitresses, have you won a t-shirt from “The Late Show with David Letterman” Online Top Ten Contest? Hmm? Huh? No? Oh, really? Not once? Well I’ve won ten of them, so suck it.

Narrator: “This just in. CBS has announced that, when the writer’s strike is over, Tiger Woods will be named the head writer of “The Late Show with David Letterman.”

Oh, darn it.

(Apologies to Amy Poehler for ripping off her "SNL" bit on Angelina Jolie)”