Saturday, November 10, 2007

It ain’t nothin’ but a thang thang, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Honest mistake

A priest was arrested for stalking Conan O’Brien; it makes sense, O’Brien still looks a lot like an alter boy.

Old 70’s reference
Tampa Bay is changing their name from the Devil Rays to the Rays. In fact, you can call them Ray or you can call them Jay or you can call them Jay Jay or Ray Jay, but you don’t hafta call them Johnson.

What’s in a name?
Tampa Bay is changing their name from the Devil Rays to the Rays. In a related story, the 1-8 Notre Dame is going to change its name to the Dame.

Be fair
In Los Angeles, with her two kids in the car, witnesses filmed Britney Spears blowing through a red light while dialing her cell phone; but give Britney a break, it was about to be last call.

Not easy
Katie Holmes ran in the New York Marathon and got a kiss from her husband Tom Cruise at the finish; Holmes described it as the toughest, most grueling thing she has ever been through, and besides the kiss, the run was hard too.

Oh, well that would explain it then
Kevin Federline’s attorney claims Britney Spears is ducking her court-ordered drug tests; Britney claims she isn’t intentionally ducking the tests, she just keeps missing them after passing out from doing too many drugs.

Wise guy
The New Jersey Devils played their first home game in the new $380 million stadium. It took a long time to build this new New Jersey Devils stadium, it took an entire year to relocate all the buried bodies.

Since you asked:

Reason #459 why I hate Blockbuster Video.

There just isn’t a way possible the snotty morons who work in our local Blockbuster could be lousier at customer service. Not if they were taken over by the government, not if they actually tried to do a Dick’s Last Resort theme and tried to be rude to customer’s intentionally.

Sadly, our Wherehouse closed – Blockbuster’s only competition – so I am forced to go back to rent from Blockbuster. While I was in line with about ten other customers, all of the clerks were feverishly unpacking DVDs and putting up displays and not one person was manning a cash register.

Finally the phone rings and – pursuant to Blockbuster’s policy of always helping the lazy fat-asses who call from home instead of the people who bother to be there in person – one of the empty-headed slackers went behind the desk and picked up the phone. The person calling had questions about –speaking of lazy fat-asses - Michael Moore’s “Sicko” which the snotty clerk answered grudgingly while keeping the rest of us standing in line.

After hanging up, the clerk said loudly to nobody in particular;

“Oh my gaaawwd, they like wanted to know how long the movie was, what it was about, if it is good and I’m all like thinking, oh my gawwd, haven’t these people even heard of the Internet?”

The Internet? As in the place people should go to get their DVDs in the first place to hopefully drive Blockbuster out of business? I’ve heard good things about it.

No lie, if there is any justice, Blockbuster will go out of business in some heinously dog-fighting video-connected scandalous way that will be so horrific it will brand the empty-brained, slacker-losers who ever worked there as permanently stained against future employment forever.

When I first owned a VCR, I got spoiled because there was a Mom and Pop – actually just a Pop – video shop in our neighborhood. It was called Captain Video and this funny movie nut who owned it would actually get dressed up in his Captain Video cape and tights. He was as funny as he was knowledgeable. Once he got to know you, he would recommend obscure movies that he knew you would like. And he was always right. He recommended “Tremors” to me by saying;

“This is, without any doubt, the best killer sand worm movie ever made.”

And, once again, he was right. No way I would have rented a movie like that on my own. What could possibly drive a nice guy like that out of business?

The sinister and evil Blockbuster.

Thursday, November 08, 2007

Lean on it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Lance Armstrong is dating Olsen twin Ashley Olsen; you know the main difference between riding a bicycle and dating an Olsen twin? At least the bike has a padded seat.

Celebrity boxing
Fabio and George Clooney got in a scuffle in a Beverly Hills restaurant; Fabio was hosting a lunch for charity and the women took pictures of Fabio, but George got huffy because he thought they were taking pictures of him. Good thing the two were separated, the 6ft 4, 220 pound Fabio would have beaten the 5.9, 165 Clooney until he couldn’t believe his face wasn’t butter

Sound familiar?
In Virginia, a cruise captain ran his small cruise ship aground. The name of the ship? The Spirit of Nantucket.

There was a boat: the Spirit of Nantucket.

The water was so shallow it got stuck in it.

The captain he grinned and said with chagrin,

“As a boat captain, I really quite suck it.”

iPhone made its European debut but things did not go well for the iPhone in France; the French didn’t like it because the iPhone is shaped eerily too much like a roll-on deodorant dispenser.

Since you askedededededededed
My supernatural gifts have been well-chronicled in this blog: my ability to make cashiers wander off simply by my getting their line, my dynamic, mystical pull that unconsciously forces drivers to drift over to my lane without signaling, which is tied-in to my ability to magically cause the driver in front of me at the stop light to decide to dial on his/her cell phone, mess up the number and dial again after the light has changed green.

Now it seems I have a new gift. If I find a restaurant that has something on the menu that I particularly like, that item will be taken off of the menu within one week.

Again, nobody said these were useful or even enviable gifts, I just said that I have them.

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Top Ten Signs - For an Actor - Your TV Writers are Mad You Didn’t Support Their Strike

Your new love interest? Rosie O’Donnell

Even Regis Philbin finds your character annoying

There are an unusually high number of knee-to-the-groin scenes

Your character slips into a pork-rind-induced coma

Your character’s name has been changed to Zippy

Your new trademark line is “Uh oh. Where are those adult diapers when you need them?”

Every scene calls for a spit-take aimed at your character.

Promos for the show refer to you as “And that other idiot what’s his name?”

The show's newest character is Benny the big-fingered proctologist

And the number one sign –for an actor - your TV Show writer is mad you didn’t support their strike:

Your dialogue consists of only two words: bite and me.
Slap it and tap it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Again, so, so sorry

Doctors in India are operating to remove four limbs from a girl born with eight limbs, four arms and four legs. It won’t be cheap, this operation will cost an arm and a leg.

Presidential candidate Ron Paul is a congressman and doctor, a practicing gynecologist. Just what you want in a president, a guy who has been in some tight situations.

Presidential candidate Ron Paul is a congressman and doctor, a practicing gynecologist. I don’t know about electing a gynecologist, what with the price of oil, the threat of terrorism and the Iraq war, I think what we need is a proctologist.

Take that
TV stars, like Eva Langoria, are delivering food to the picketing TV writers; after the strike, it will be easy to spot the actors who didn’t support the striking writers; “What is my motivation in this scene where I get sexually molested by an incontinent chimp?”

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Oh, I’m itchin’ and I don’t know where to scratch, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


The New York Marathon was last weekend and the turnout was huge; even Donald Trump’s hair entered in the rodent division.

Handy guy (Apologies to Amy Poehler and SNL Weekend Update)
Presidential candidate Ron Paul is a congressman and doctor, a practicing gynecologist. This would come in handy if he becomes President the next time we invade a country; “OK, just relax, you’re going to feel some pressure and . . . I’m in. So, do you have big plans for Thanksgiving?”

Uglier than homemade shoes
I am not sure what was uglier in the 38-7 Pittsburgh Steelers mauling of the Baltimore Ravens on MNF; the rainy weather, the Steeler’s throwback uniforms, which colors and design are used on bottles of poison to induce vomiting, or the Ravens’ defenders insistence on celebratory dancing after routine tackles when behind by 31 points.

Say it ain’t so
Network TV writers and film writers are on strike.Let’s all pray this doesn’t disrupt the production of “Pooty Tang, 2” or "Cabin Boy 2."

Long time gone
Notre Dame lost to Navy for the first time in 44-years; 46-44 in triple overtime; the last time Navy beat Notre Dame, Cher was entertaining the midshipmen with her second farewell tour.

Long time gone again
Notre Dame lost to Navy for the first time in 44-years; 46-44 in triple overtime; the last time Navy beat Notre Dame, it was the second most exciting thing to happen to the Navy that week: after they had just switched for sail to steam.

This just in:
Doctors in India are operating to remove four limbs from a girl born with eight limbs, four arms and four legs. I believe the name of the procedure is a deoctopussomy.

(So sorry for this one)
If successful the doctors will have a leg up on doing this type of procedure and the girl’s family should give them a big hand.

Monday, November 05, 2007

Takin’ it to the hoooouuuuuse is how we roll, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
It’s Huge

The New York Marathon is this weekend and the turnout is expected to be huge; even Donald Trump’s hair is entered in the rodent division.

The Pak is whack
Pakistan is in big trouble. There is turmoil, unrest, poverty and violence from Islamic radicals. In short, Pakistan is experiencing a really horrible case of being frickin’ Pakistan.

If things do not improve, Pakistan may have no choice but to change its name to Trenton, New Jersey.

Missing out
The New England Patriots defeated the Indianapolis Colts 24-20. Colt QB Peyton Manning will have to improve his performance to make the Super Bowl. In this game Manning threw an interception, he missed 11 passes and he missed being in at least three of the commercials.

What a day
The New England Patriots defeated the Indianapolis Colts 24-20. It was in impressive performance by Tom Brady, he threw 21-32 for three touchdowns and he went two for one impregnating one of the Colt’s cheerleaders.

No soup for you
On “Larry King Live” Jerry Seinfeld became upset when King asked if his show, “Seinfeld” had been cancelled; in fact, that is the most upset any “Seinfeld” cast member has been since Kramer, Michael Richards, was mistakenly booked to perform stand up at an NAACP convention.

AmazingThe Minnesota Vikings’ Adrian Peterson set an NFL record 296 yards rushing while scoring three touchdowns to defeat the San Diego Chargers 35-17. In one Fantasy Football league, Peterson scored 57 points. Entire teams can not score 57 points with six players. It is the most amazing thing any Fantasy Football player has seen since one reportedly saw a woman naked.

Since you asked:
Good weekend. Friday did a rare run at night before our band’s gig at the Mira Mesa Inn. Good gig. The Railheads sounded tight and bluesy with a scorching rendition of Muddy Water’s “Hoochie Coochie Man” with our young guitarist, Luke, tearing it up. And I played a decent harp, if I do say so.

Saturday AC had a soccer game and as is her team’s custom, they were asleep for the early 8:00am game, but this time, unlike normally, they did not wake up to recover. But they ended playing well. Then it was off to La Jolla Shores for an awesome stand up paddle board session. After a solid hour of paddling in and out of the small surf and through the wind chop, I was spent and staggered off to lunch at Jose’s Courtroom for pollo asada quesadilla, chips and a couple of frosty maggies.

Then it was home to turn on the DVR’d UCLA/Oregon game and lapsed into a tasty coma on the couch for a good hour. Sushi takeout Saturday night. Sunday I watched the Chargers get crushed went for a nice little run, and then made my patented grilled BBQ meatloaf sandwiches for the 5:00 ESPN game. When that became boring we watched the Sundance channel’s Peter Bogdadovich awesome documentary on Tom Petty, “Running Down a Dream.” Amazing.

A middle-class/poor kid from Gainesville, Petty, who regularly got punched around by an abusive Dad, who’s loving mother passed early, meets Elvis while he was filming nearby and comes home “a changed man”. Then he sees the Beatles on TV and decides that is his fate. What happens? He ends up a rock legend with Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers eventually playing in a band, the Traveling Willburys, with two of the Beatles. After you hear Petty talk, as incredible as his success is, you are glad he got it.He deserved it. Plus he has a harp player and he plays the harp.

Yes, it is a trite cliché, but only in America.

Saw Petty twice in Santa Barbara in the early eighties. His voice was rough but what an amazing performer.

Sunday, November 04, 2007

We gonna do like I do, like I do, like I do, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

A good read
Britney Spears’s mother, Lynne, has written a book on parenting. And I can’t wait to read it just as soon as I am done with my Paris Hilton book on playing hard to get.

Dog that dog
Dog the Bounty Hunter is in trouble for getting caught on tape using a racist epitaph. Not only that, but he also called his wife, Mrs Dog the Bounty hunter, a real bitch.

Dog the Bounty Hunter is in trouble for getting caught on tape using a racist epitaph. Apparently he said the word three times. Which is 21 times in Dog the Bounty Hunter years.

Kinda different
China announced they’re putting together a research institute to study and produce hybrid cars. China’s hybrid cars are different. They run half on leaded gas and half on leaded toys.

Not a good fit
Barry Bonds told an interviewer that, if he is inducted into the baseball Hall of Fame, he will not be present at the induction ceremony. It’s not that Bonds doesn’t want to go to the Hall of Fame, it’s just that his head won’t fit through their door.

No problim
The Writers Guild of America has called for a strike against film and television.. This were the firstliest writerers walk out in 20th years but it are notly expecting to have muchlier of a effect.

Don’t worry about the writer’s strike, we developed a comedy writing computer program. qWikWit. All you have to do is type in a topical news item and it will supply you with a punch line.

We type in: “The TV Writers are on strike” and it replies “Britney Spears vagina” Oh, sorry, this is the beta version. Let me get the final release. Try it again: Type in: “The writers are on strike.” And it replies: “Just like Bush’s speech writers have been for seven years.”

We type in: “The Writers are on strike.’ and it replies; “So that means Paris Hilton can’t have sex with writers.”

We type in: “The TV writers are on strike” and it replies “so, until further notice, the Rosie O’Donnell, Donald Trump fight is on hold.”

We type in: “The TV writers are on strike” and it replies; “Boy, you thought “Lost” was hard to follow before, wait until the episode written by the key grip and best boy.”

We type in: “The TV writers are on strike” and it replies; “You can tell the TV writers are on strike, the catch phrase for “Heroes” is “Shave the Cheerleader, shave the world.”

Since you asked:
Don’t worry about the writer’s strike, Slats and Nugs. For right now, I am going to have my buddy Bill Stewman, whom we affectionately call Stewie Dogs, write a joke for you. Here you go Stewie.

“Hi everyone, I am Bill Stewman. My buddies call me Stewie Dogs. Gosh, I am kind of nervous, I’ve never written a joke before. I can tell a lot of them, like: what is brown and sticky? A stick. Get it? I love that one. Anyway, here goes:

Did you hear that the TV and movie writers are on strike? It is serious, they may have to put a hold on the production of “Oceans 32.”

See, I was making a joke about how they have made a lot of those Oceans movies and although there have been only three movies, Oceans 11, 12, 13, many people thought there were at least one too many, so I exaggerated. And I read where the number 32 is considered one of the funniest.

Lex: Not bad, Stewie Dogs, but you dissected the Frog.

SD: Huh?

Lex: Humor is like a Frog, you can dissect it if you want, but you kill it in the process.

SD: What does a dead frog have to do with comedy?

Lex: And besides, 32 is only funny if spoken by a Brooklyn accent. Thoitie Too. OJ’s number was 32 and nothing is funny about that guy.

SD You know, you think you are such a comedy expert, Mr. Dissected Frog, but I don’t see you on strike.

Lex: That’s because I don’t get paid to do this blog.

SD: You don’t?

Lex: Nope

SD: Does this mean I am not getting paid for my joke?

Lex: Yep.

SD: I am outta here.

Lex: Stewie Dogs, everybody, let’s give it up for Stewie Dogs.

(Polite applause)