Friday, May 12, 2006

It is hard out here

It gonna go that way today, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Tough job
“The West Wing” is getting dumped, “Commander in Chief’ was dropped. Apparently it is much more difficult to be a fake good president than it is to be a real bad one.

Suck that gut in, David
There was talk of making a movie out of the talking car TV show “Knight Rider.” But it would have been too expensive to make; they couldn’t afford to fill the Kitt car up with gas.

I think the first thing the Kitt car says in the movie “Knight Rider” is “What the hell happened to the price of gas?”

You remember “Knight Rider”? That was the eighties show that proved even a car could act better than David Hasselhof.

There was talk of making a movie out of the talking car TV show “Knight Rider.” That was the show that featured a car that talked to the driver. As opposed to Patrick Kennedy who had a car that screamed at the driver; “N000000!”

Which part don’t you understand, the buh or the bye?
Disney is dumping their sponsorship deal with McDonalds. Disney figured they had to dump McDonalds when kids got so fat they had to put up signs with hands four feet apart saying; “You must be thinner than this to ride this ride.”

Doctor’s orders
Keith Richards was released from the hospital and is doing much better; but Keith is under strict doctor’s orders, if he wants to climb a tree he has to use an electric Rascal tree climber.

Good idea
The movie “Poseidon” has debuted. It is about a luxurious vessel that suddenly gets turned upside down and sinks. They got the idea from watching the Los Angeles Lakers in the playoffs.

No surprise there
A poll reveals that Tom Cruise’s popularity has dropped way off with women. Apparently women didn’t like it when Tom went from faking to like all women to faking to like only one.

Might have something there
The economy is so bad in Palestine, they’re gas stations are running out of gasoline; on the bright side, I think we just figured out how to stop car bombing.

What are the odds?
Honestly it is so great that Keith Richards is fine. After all he has been through, losing Keith Richards to a tree climbing accident would seem as likely as President Bush joining Mensa.

Idol shocker
They kicked that bald rocker fan favorite, Chris, off of “American Idol.” That was so shocking Keith Richards nearly fell out of his cocoanut tree again.
Be considerate
You know what is really annoying? People who leave their cell phone number on a message so fast you have to listen to the message over and over to get it. The National Security Association and President Bush just hate that. Leave your number slowly.  

Pet update:

This morning when I bent over to scoop out Wrigley’s two cups of dog food from the bin, guess who stuck is cute dumb head right in between my legs to better observe? No, not Ryan Seacrest. That’s right, I look down and there is this fuzzy white hound doggy Wrigley face sticking out from my crotch.

What a knucklehead that dog is.

Oh, and I have been remiss in totaling the number of pets we have. We have three. Kasey, Wrigley and Manchester. You have to include the Beta fish, Manchester, Ann Caroline got at Christmas. Yes, he is alive and well. Ann Caroline will make a fine vet after all.  

Thursday, May 11, 2006

It is hard out here

It’s time to rub a little funk on the junk in the trunk, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Sliding early
On their latest road trip, the Chicago Cubs have lost eight in a row. That is the worst ever performance on the road by something other than a Kennedy.

Today the Chicago Cubs blamed their bad road performance on prescription pain pills.

The Chicago Cubs have lost eight in a row on their latest road trip; there are Kia’s that perform better on the road than the Cubs.

Today the Cubs blamed their poor performance on a group of sinister albino monks.

Can you say that?
Dick Cheney’s lesbian daughter, Lynne, has written a book in which she supports her father and disagrees with the President, which is ironic: a lesbian who prefers Dick over Bush.

Nice gesture
50 Major league baseball players will use a pink bat on Mother’s Day in support of the fight against breast cancer.  Prior to this, the only time pink baseball bats were used was when the guys from “Queer Eye” played softball against the cast of “Will and Grace.”

Not a joking matter
The AMA claims men and women can add ten minutes to sex if they joke around. Unless, of course, the woman’s jokes end with the punch line: little, small, tiny or petite.

The AMA claims men can add ten minutes to sex with a woman if they joke around. It’s true, women get turned on by humor, that is why all those women are leaving rocker Tommy Lee for comedian Gilbert Gottfried.

Mon Dieu
Yesterday France celebrated the abolition of slavery and the fact that, five years ago, France passed a law making slavery a crime. Five years ago, France decided to make slavery a crime. And, at this rate, who knows? Someday France may go crazy and give women the vote.

Today, France celebrated the abolition of slavery and the fact that, five years ago, France passed a law making slavery a crime. And here we thought it was just their waiters who were slow.

Nick Lachey performed on “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno” last night. Well, not perform really, but he did deliver food from the Olive Garden.

The Ryan Seacrest-Paula Abdul spat spilled over on “American Idol.” Ryan Seacrest made a joke that Paula danced so much like a stripper, Seacrest said he wanted to give her a dollar. Paula was mad, she said that she didn’t dance anything like an exotic male Chippendale’s stripper.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

It is hard out here

It’s gonna go how it go when it do go fo’ sho’, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

That’s so sweet kind of
In an interview, Nicole Kidman said she still loves Tom Cruise. Yeah, in fact Nicole said it was the best phony marriage anyone could ever have.

David Blaine has been submerged under water for over seven days. Blaine is so pruney and wrinkled, for his next trick Blaine is going to impersonate Keith Richards and fall out of a cocoanut tree.

Magician David Blaine fell two minutes short of the record when he held his breath for seven minutes. The record of nine minutes was set in New York City, in the back of a cab on a hot day.

For his next stunt, David Blaine is going to appear on “The View” and try and get a word in edgewise.

Dirty Dozen
The Seattle Seahawks and Texas A&M have reached a legal agreement after a fight over the phrase “the 12th man.” Now they just have to get the phrase “the 12th man” away from Paris Hilton’s term for a typical Saturday night.

In perspective
The White house dismissed the letter from the President of Iran as long and meandering. Of course, this a president who thinks the fortune in a fortune cookie is long and meandering.

Oops, getting a little ahead, here
There are a lot of ugly divorces in Hollywood right now: Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen; Richie Sambora and Heather Locklear, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. Oh, wait, no I’m sorry, Tom and Katie are next month.  

Not good on the road
The Chicago Cubs have lost eight in a row on their latest road trip; this is the worst performance on the road outside of Kevin Federline’s “It’s Hard Out Here For a Whimp” rap tour.

Star Jones is being dumped from “The View” for Rosie O’Donnell. That's too bad, Rosie and Star have so much in common. They both married a homosexual.

Star Jones is being dumped from “The View” for Rosie O’Donnell. Rumor is Star has become too difficult to work with. In fact, an anonymous source said that Star’s co-workers would rather fall out of a cocoanut tree than work with Star.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

It is hard out here

Smack that money maker, Home Depot and Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The message is the medium
The President of Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, sent a letter to President Bush. Is that a good idea? This is a president who doesn’t read memos on hurricanes. You want to get a message to Bush?  Put it in an episode of “Sponge Bob Square Pants.”

Quite a chip off the old block
Rep. Patrick Kennedy crashed his car at the Capital and was not charged. In John F. Kennedy we had “Ask not what your country can do for you.” In Rep. Patrick Kennedy we have; “Ask not what my car just did to you.”

Between Patrick Kennedy wrecking his car, Cynthia McKinney slapping a capital policeman, Randal “Duke” Cunningham and Tom DeLay accepting bribes, if Congress is not careful, their image could get so sleazy, they may have to start their own oil company.  

Sorry, Senior Lipe
Kentucky Derby favorite Lawyer Ron finished a disappointing 12th; in retrospect, it wasn’t surprising that a horse named after a Lawyer would want to finish as close as possible to the trailing ambulance.

Uh, no, Paris, that’s not, oh forget it
It was a little awkward when she was asked why she was dating Arizona Cardinal Matt Leinart, Paris Hilton said; “I’ve never dated someone high up in the Catholic church before. That’s hot.”

Uh, no, Sir, that’s not, oh forget it
President Bush has said he wants more human CIA agents, so it was a little awkward today when Bush suggested they recruit that Jack Bauer guy from that Fox show “2 and 4.”

It’s only rock and roll but I like it
He is going to be fine, but Keith Richards had to have his skull drilled after falling out of a cocoanut tree. Why was a 62-year-old billionaire rock star climbing a palm tree? Keith needed that cocoanut like he needs a hole in the head.  

He is going to be fine, but Keith Richards had to have his skull drilled after falling out of a cocoanut tree. Keith didn’t need the hole in his head for his concussion, he just wanted another place to put a cigarette.

Not since then
The Los Angeles Lakers lost four in a row to the Phoenix Suns and are out of the playoffs. Kobe Bryant only scored one point in the fourth quarter of game seven; in fact, I haven’t seen Kobe choke that much sent he got the bill for his wife’s $4 million dollar diamond ring.

The Charlie Sheen Denise Richards divorce is so ugly. Today Charlie was flying into Washington DC and Denise had Rep. Patrick Kennedy pick him up at the airport.

K-Fed’s Rap Tour
Kevin Federline is on tour. I think the name of the tour is: “It’s Hard Out Here for a Whimp.”

Ruth’s records are falling like flies
San Francisco Giants slugger Barry Bonds is one home run from tying Babe Ruth’s record. And Charlie Sheen is one sexually transmitted disease away from tying Babe Ruth’s other record.  

A big deal
For the first time, the Kentucky Derby had a corporate sponsor, Yum! Brands. Yum! Brands owns Kentucky Fried Chicken, Taco Bell, Long John Silver and Taco Bell so not only are they the largest food company, but, next to Exxon, their food is the second biggest producer of oil.

It is hard out here

Since you asked:
Went to the friendly canines of bark park, Petco Field last night to watch my beloved Cubbies get dough popped by the Dads. The highlight was the shrimp cocktail and the bone in ribeye and martini before the game at the old school Midwestern type jernt (joint) of Lou and Mickeys. Makes for a very pleasant evening, though. Chatted up some nice fellow transplanted Chicagoans along the third base line.

The bad news? I think I am allergic to beer. Had one and half cups and it felt like I had swallowed a pint of MSG.

It is hard out here

We gonna sell the sizzle like a mofizzle, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

It is hard out here

What we gonna do is the do that we do for you, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it
It was awkward when they told President Bush the Australian minors had been freed Bush said; “Good, but those youngsters shouldn’t been down in those mines in the Australian Alps anyway.”

Makes sense
Keith Richards is reportedly fine after an operation for his concussion. This was a tough case for the doctors. They couldn’t figure out how to stop Keith’s headaches, each day he had a headache, until they finally figured out: It’s Keith Richards. Of course he has a headache. He’s hungover.

Keith Richards is reportedly fine after an operation for his concussion. Here’s my question: How would you like to be Keith Richard’s hospital roommate? You go in to have a mole removed and you come out with secondhand smoker’s hack.

One report says that Patti Hanson, Keith Richards wife, has been sneaking tiny airplane bottles of Vodka to Keith Richards at his hospital room. Close, she snuck in one bottle of Vodka that was the size of an airplane.

One report says that Patti Hanson, Keith Richards wife, has been sneaking bottles of Vodka to Keith Richards at his hospital room. The doctors noticed because normally there isn’t a bottle of Vodka attached to the IV.

Keith Richards is still recovering from falling out of a cocoanut tree; to give you an idea how hard Keith Richards parties, Keith’s hospital roommate is now suffering from a secondhand hangover.

Before Keith Richards skull operation when they hooked up the morphine to his I.V. Keith laughed and said; “Morphine? Oh that’s precious.”

Giving Keith Richards morphine as a pain killer would have been like trying to save the Titanic with a bucket and a mop. This guy pours kerosene over his corn flakes, for the love of god.

Derby Days
How about that Kentucky Derby? Wasn’t it beautiful? Until you’ve spent some time in Louisville, it is almost impossible to appreciate how much the Kentucky Derby means to the folks there. Anyone can appreciate the grandeur of the spectacle and the quality of the race, but once you get to know the folks in Louisville, you can’t understand how happy it makes them feel.

From the smile and joke-at-the-ready guys who shine shoes at Louisville’s Union train station to the mayor, everyone in Louisville is filled with a deep civic pride and they absolutely glow when the eyes of the world are on their beloved little city hard against the Ohio River.

It makes me whence in pain to think of all of those egotistical Hollywood celebrity types in town for the Derby and making rude comments about the limited selection of Chinese food, or the lack of foam on their Lattes or the narrow choice of bottled waters not being up to their pain-in-the-ass Beverly Hills standards. Louisville takes great pride in being a good host even with unspeakably rude guests.

Just picture the kindest and most convivial southern hostess being confronted with a flunky from some pop singer’s entourage screaming because the Crystal isn’t cold enough.

My Aunt Mary Gus told me about an amazing experience when she was just a teenager writing for the Louisville Courier Journal. She was sent to interview none other than legendary First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt at the White House, her idol. Mrs. Roosevelt quickly eyed the situation and went way out of her way to show respect and affection for her in-deep-awe friend and gave her a private tour of the White House. Can you picture Hillary doing that?

So, a month or so later, my Aunt was sent to interview a big celebrity, Katherine Hepburn, in town for the Kentucky Derby at her suite at the luxurious Brown Hotel. Although my Aunt was a fan of the movies, after the likes of Eleanor, Katherine Hepburn didn’t seem like anything my Aunt couldn’t handle. Boy, was she wrong.

By the time my Aunt came to the room, Hepburn had already reduced the poor hillbilly girl maid assigned by the Brown hotel to assist her, to open weeping. Screams pf obscenities flowed and objects were thrown against the wall. My Aunt had never seen a little child behave so horridly, let alone a grown up famous movie star.

Something tells me the celebrity behavior at the Derby hasn’t gotten any better since then.

Monday, May 08, 2006

It is hard out here

We gonna do right by the do right do, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

In the spirit
Happy Cinco De Mayo, Rep. Patrick Kennedy celebrated by driving into a Piñata.

Should be crazy
I’ve got a wild weekend coming up; I am going on a road trip with Rep. Patrick Kennedy to go cocoanut picking with Keith Richards.

Good news, bad news
Good news, Keith Richards was released from the New Zealand hospital for a mild concussion and will fly to his home in Connecticut; the bad news, Richards will be picked up at the airport by Rep. Patrick Kennedy.

Not positive
O.J. Simpson is at the Kentucky Derby; apparently O.J. is betting a lot of money on a horse with 50-1 odds; at least I hope that’s what OJ means when he said he wants to make a killing.

Why not name him after a lawyer?
One of the favorites for Saturday’s Kentucky Derby is a horse named Lawyer Ron. Why did they name the race horse after a Lawyer? Because, like a lawyer, he goes around in circles, costs millions, relieves himself wherever he wants then leaves it for others to clean up.

In Washington, Rep. Patrick Kennedy, son of Senator Ted Kennedy, crashed his car and appeared drunk, according to an officer, but he was not charged. When he called his father and asked; “What do I do if they arrest me?” Ted said; “We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.”

Rep. Patrick Kennedy, son of Senator Ted Kennedy, crashed his car, appeared drunk, according to an officer, but he was not charged, in fact, the Capital police drove him home. But they claim Kennedy did not get preferential treatment. For example the police did not tuck him into bed.

This guy’s last name is anything but Kennedy, he’s asking Jack Abramof if he wants the top or bottom jail cell bunk.

Tough to get a ticket
With every Hollywood big shot trying to go, you know why the potential upcoming Lakers-Clippers playoffs are like a drunk driving Kennedy? It’s virtually impossible to get a ticket.

That time of year
Prom season is underway. It’s a nerve wracking time for Florida High School boys. They don’t know whether to ask their English teacher or their Art teacher to go to the prom.

My memories of my high school Prom are mixed. On the one hand it was a beautiful and exciting night in a tuxedo, on the other hand, the teacher I went with didn’t put out.

USC quarterback Matt Leinart is dating Paris Hilton; it is kind of embarrassing, Paris is dating Leinart because, when she heard he is a Trojan, Parish thought he could get her free condoms.