Thursday, May 11, 2006

It is hard out here

It’s time to rub a little funk on the junk in the trunk, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


Sliding early
On their latest road trip, the Chicago Cubs have lost eight in a row. That is the worst ever performance on the road by something other than a Kennedy.

Today the Chicago Cubs blamed their bad road performance on prescription pain pills.

The Chicago Cubs have lost eight in a row on their latest road trip; there are Kia’s that perform better on the road than the Cubs.

Today the Cubs blamed their poor performance on a group of sinister albino monks.

Can you say that?
Dick Cheney’s lesbian daughter, Lynne, has written a book in which she supports her father and disagrees with the President, which is ironic: a lesbian who prefers Dick over Bush.

Nice gesture
50 Major league baseball players will use a pink bat on Mother’s Day in support of the fight against breast cancer.  Prior to this, the only time pink baseball bats were used was when the guys from “Queer Eye” played softball against the cast of “Will and Grace.”

Not a joking matter
The AMA claims men and women can add ten minutes to sex if they joke around. Unless, of course, the woman’s jokes end with the punch line: little, small, tiny or petite.

The AMA claims men can add ten minutes to sex with a woman if they joke around. It’s true, women get turned on by humor, that is why all those women are leaving rocker Tommy Lee for comedian Gilbert Gottfried.

Mon Dieu
Yesterday France celebrated the abolition of slavery and the fact that, five years ago, France passed a law making slavery a crime. Five years ago, France decided to make slavery a crime. And, at this rate, who knows? Someday France may go crazy and give women the vote.

Today, France celebrated the abolition of slavery and the fact that, five years ago, France passed a law making slavery a crime. And here we thought it was just their waiters who were slow.

Nick Lachey performed on “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno” last night. Well, not perform really, but he did deliver food from the Olive Garden.

Ouch
The Ryan Seacrest-Paula Abdul spat spilled over on “American Idol.” Ryan Seacrest made a joke that Paula danced so much like a stripper, Seacrest said he wanted to give her a dollar. Paula was mad, she said that she didn’t dance anything like an exotic male Chippendale’s stripper.