Tuesday, May 09, 2006

It is hard out here

What we gonna do is the do that we do for you, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Uh, no Sir, that’s not, oh forget it
It was awkward when they told President Bush the Australian minors had been freed Bush said; “Good, but those youngsters shouldn’t been down in those mines in the Australian Alps anyway.”

Makes sense
Keith Richards is reportedly fine after an operation for his concussion. This was a tough case for the doctors. They couldn’t figure out how to stop Keith’s headaches, each day he had a headache, until they finally figured out: It’s Keith Richards. Of course he has a headache. He’s hungover.

Keith Richards is reportedly fine after an operation for his concussion. Here’s my question: How would you like to be Keith Richard’s hospital roommate? You go in to have a mole removed and you come out with secondhand smoker’s hack.

One report says that Patti Hanson, Keith Richards wife, has been sneaking tiny airplane bottles of Vodka to Keith Richards at his hospital room. Close, she snuck in one bottle of Vodka that was the size of an airplane.

One report says that Patti Hanson, Keith Richards wife, has been sneaking bottles of Vodka to Keith Richards at his hospital room. The doctors noticed because normally there isn’t a bottle of Vodka attached to the IV.

Keith Richards is still recovering from falling out of a cocoanut tree; to give you an idea how hard Keith Richards parties, Keith’s hospital roommate is now suffering from a secondhand hangover.

Before Keith Richards skull operation when they hooked up the morphine to his I.V. Keith laughed and said; “Morphine? Oh that’s precious.”

Giving Keith Richards morphine as a pain killer would have been like trying to save the Titanic with a bucket and a mop. This guy pours kerosene over his corn flakes, for the love of god.

Derby Days
How about that Kentucky Derby? Wasn’t it beautiful? Until you’ve spent some time in Louisville, it is almost impossible to appreciate how much the Kentucky Derby means to the folks there. Anyone can appreciate the grandeur of the spectacle and the quality of the race, but once you get to know the folks in Louisville, you can’t understand how happy it makes them feel.

From the smile and joke-at-the-ready guys who shine shoes at Louisville’s Union train station to the mayor, everyone in Louisville is filled with a deep civic pride and they absolutely glow when the eyes of the world are on their beloved little city hard against the Ohio River.

It makes me whence in pain to think of all of those egotistical Hollywood celebrity types in town for the Derby and making rude comments about the limited selection of Chinese food, or the lack of foam on their Lattes or the narrow choice of bottled waters not being up to their pain-in-the-ass Beverly Hills standards. Louisville takes great pride in being a good host even with unspeakably rude guests.

Just picture the kindest and most convivial southern hostess being confronted with a flunky from some pop singer’s entourage screaming because the Crystal isn’t cold enough.

My Aunt Mary Gus told me about an amazing experience when she was just a teenager writing for the Louisville Courier Journal. She was sent to interview none other than legendary First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt at the White House, her idol. Mrs. Roosevelt quickly eyed the situation and went way out of her way to show respect and affection for her in-deep-awe friend and gave her a private tour of the White House. Can you picture Hillary doing that?

So, a month or so later, my Aunt was sent to interview a big celebrity, Katherine Hepburn, in town for the Kentucky Derby at her suite at the luxurious Brown Hotel. Although my Aunt was a fan of the movies, after the likes of Eleanor, Katherine Hepburn didn’t seem like anything my Aunt couldn’t handle. Boy, was she wrong.

By the time my Aunt came to the room, Hepburn had already reduced the poor hillbilly girl maid assigned by the Brown hotel to assist her, to open weeping. Screams pf obscenities flowed and objects were thrown against the wall. My Aunt had never seen a little child behave so horridly, let alone a grown up famous movie star.

Something tells me the celebrity behavior at the Derby hasn’t gotten any better since then.