Friday, October 29, 2004

That what I did, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Once again

John Kerry said that his favorite Boston Red Sox player is Manny Ortiz. The problem? There is no Manny Ortiz. There’s Manny Ramirez and David Ortiz. See that? Kerry even flip-flops his Red Sox players.

Paging Mr. Cochran
Ashlee Simpson has blamed her lip-synching screw-up on G.E.R.D., Gastro esophageal reflux disease. She might want to hire Johnny Cochran, he could get her out of this mess:

“If she had the G.E.R.D., she could not be heard.”

Much better
*In the early voting in Florida there are already reports of missing ballots and voting machine problems. They’re botching the election results a month earlier than they did at the last election. Now that’s what I call progress.

That depressed, huh?
*They are taking the World Series loss hard in St. Louis. I haven’t seen Cardinals this depressed since young Catholic boys had to return to school in the Fall.

Wicked ways
*What has 589,000 people, a World Series title and a wicked hangover? Right now there are guys all over Boston who got drunk and forgot all about their Johnny Damon tattoo asking; “Who is this long-haired girl on my arm and why is her face so wicked hairy?”

Pretty sure
*Bill O’Reilly has settled his sexual harassment suit against his former producer, Andrea Mackris. The details of the settlement were not clear, but we are pretty sure Mackris is no longer on O’Reilly’s AT&T friends and family wireless plan.

That bad?
How bad is Ralph Nader’s campaign doing? Today he had to change his name to Ralph Nadir.

OK, not one of the better efforts today. Oh well, it happens. I suppose that even comedy writing legend Alex Gregory has bad days. But probably not.

Let's try to snap out of it with our new feature:

If I could draw anything better than stick figures, this would be my "New Yorker" cartoon submission

Older, wiser dog consulting puppy:

"Always remember, before you lick a human, discreetly lick yourself first."


Older, wiser dog consulting puppy 2:

"I know, I know, the baby talk and the tummy rubs are so annoying, but the humans enjoy doing it so much we just put up with it."

Thursday, October 28, 2004

Snaps it back and hold it, baby just a one mo’ time, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
(Apologies to the late, great harp blower, Junior Wells)

The Curse Reverse
The Boston sports fans are so happy they can actually forget about the Celtics for a while.

Unless you’re a die-hard Yankee or Cardinal fan, you have to be happy for Boston Red Sox fans. They hadn’t won a World Series since 1918. Or as Chicago Cubs fans call that: recent history.

Medical and military news
In addition to preventing heart disease, high cholesterol, and functioning as an anti-toxin, scientists have discovered that red wine can prevent lung cancer. No wonder the French don’t have an army, they drink so much red wine they can’t be killed.

Back to Beantown
All of Boston is celebrating wildly. Ted Kennedy got real drunk and was walking around without his pants. When asked how he felt about the Red Sox win, Ted said; “The Red Sox won?”

Or something like that
According to a polling survey, the more people you poll, the better the results. This is known as the Paris Hilton effect.

Help me out here
I lost track of the time, is this the time when we are talking about all the weight Renee Zellweger gained for a Bridget Jones movie, or all the weight she lost after it? I can’t keep up anymore.

Cubbies and Red Sox
You know whom I feel sorry for? Nomar Garciaparra. Traded from the Red Sox to the Chicago Cubs, the Cubs fade and the Red Sox win the World Series. On the other hand, Nomar is filthy rich, married to beautiful Mia Hamm, great looking, young, and a tremendous and popular athlete. On second thought, you know whom I feel sorry for? Me.

Ain’t whistling Dixie
Boston area morgues are on alert. All of the old New Englanders who have been holding on for Red Sox to win a World Series are going to make Boston look like the battlefield hospital scene in “Gone With the Wind.”

Not good
St. Louis Cardinals slugger Albert Pujols had a bad World Series. It could have been worse; he could have Boston Red Sox outfielder Trotman Nixon’s first name. Then he would be Trot Pujols

Since you asked:
As a long-suffering Chicago Cubs fan, it does my heart good to see the joyous Boston Red Sox fans celebrate a long-deserved World Series win, ending 86 years of World Series frustration. Of course, it isn’t quite the 91 years of World Series frustration we Cubs fan have been, and still are, enduring. Not that I am even the slightest bit bitter about the fact that all the Cubs had to do was win about, oh, say three more games out of 162 to make the freakin’ playoffs. But noooooo, they had to lose 8 out their last 10 damn games. Why, oh, why does this always happen, why? Even Red Sox fans have a World Series, why not us? Why are they doing this to us? No, I don’t want to relax. Let go of me, dammit! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh! No, no, not that, that needle hurts, I'll be good, I promise, Mommy, I want my Mommy . . .

(And let’s take a quick time-out for Lex’s medication and a little prescribed rest while we play the muzak version of Led Zeppelin's "When the Levy Breaks")

We are all very excited about a new feature here at "A Little Bit Bad", I like to call:

If I could draw anything better than stick figures, this would be my "New Yorker" cartoon submission:

A too-hip and too-antiseptic urban martini bar

Approaching Middle-aged Yuppie one: “I am an information technology resource analyst for vertical market integration corporations.”

Approaching Middle-aged Yuppie two: “You have absolutely no idea what you do for a living, do you?”

Approaching Middle-aged Yuppie one: “Not even a clue.”

That, or a Soccer Mom flying along in an SUV while talking on her cell phone:

"Carol? Katherine. I'm in such a hurry to make it to our Zen Meditation class, I think I just ran over someone."

I know, Mark O'Snickity, I know, I know . . .

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

Oh, snap, it is so happinin’ now it happininininer than a bowfizzle, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
(No idea what that means)

Many things at stake
With the election just a few days away, many issues are being discussed: the war in Iraq, national security, the economy, and, of course, the most important one: can Ashlee Simpson really sing on her own?

News flash
This just in: Neither Ashlee nor Jessica Simpson said or did anything exceedingly stupid today.

Not again
Once again, Ashlee Simpson apologized for her screw-up on “Saturday Night Live.” The problem? When she stopped talking the apology just kept on going.

The list of things Ashlee Simpson has blamed her lip-synching on is so big it includes her Dad, her Doctor and her drummer. And that’s just the D’s. Next she’ll say her dog ate her microphone.

World Serious
The Boston Red Sox are up 3-0 against the mighty bats of the St. Louis Cardinals. The Red Sox are so dominant, the only question remains: who does Pedro Martinez’s hair? Superfly Cuts? That hair hangs off his hat like Kudzu hanging down a Louisiana swamp.
(Man the drum kit)

As far as Pedro Martinez’s hair, I’ve seen better Jerry curls on French poodles. Badaboom.

Forget the Cy Young award, Pedro Martinez needs to be awarded a Flowbee. Bidabing.

Well, you can’t blame a girl
Paris Hilton announced she is head over heels in love with tennis star Mark Philippoussis. Apparently Paris can’t resist a guy with big fuzzy balls in his shorts.

More World Serious
The St. Louis Cardinals loss in game three was marked by the most embarrassing base running error in memory by pitcher Jeff Suppan. How bad was it? Suppan ran like a drunken debutante in high heels on a wet lawn.

When it comes to running, he put the Suppan in supinate.

Color me shocked
Big and Rich have a hit called “Save a Horse, Ride A Cowboy.” It combines country and rap and it’s good. Color me shocked. I would’ve thought that when you combine country and rap you’d get Crap.

Since you asked:
As I have mentioned before, San Diego and San Diegans just look plain silly in the rain. It’s like a guy wearing a straw hat and a bow tie eating a banana on a train; you don’t know why, it just looks goofy.

There I was holding hands with my – excuse me for babbling – rather adorable six-year-old daughter Ann Caroline, resplendent in the rain in her pink slicker and matching rain boots, as we attempted to cross the street to go to her school. Ten in a row - not two, but ten - luxury SUV's with the drivers bone dry in enclosed cars, refused to yield to let us cross so we could get out of a downpour. In their double-espresso crazed, cell phone-addled minds, it was better to leave a Dad, albeit a buffed and ruggedly handsome loving Dad, and his sweet, kind, cute little girl, to soak in the rain then to take a few scant seconds out of their busy, busy, day.

Is it just happening to me, or are people this insanely self-absorbed everywhere? Well, enough about that, I need to go see how many hits my web site - devoted to the wonder of me - had today.

Back to San Diegans in the rain. They are hilarious. (Since I have lived here since 1986, I guess I have to say we are hilarious) There are expeditions going up Mount Everest that don’t have as much gear as the average San Diegan on a rainy day: umbrellas, slickers, boots, parkas, hats, tarps, backpacks. And the expression on their, check that, our face is priceless. You’d think a methlab had exploded and it was raining fiery toxins.

You know that face a little kid has when they are desperately trying not to cry, but it’s a losing fight? That is the same expression San Diegans have when it is raining.

Since nobody asked:
As an alleged comedy writer who lives to skewer both sides and a natural political Independent, I decline to take sides on this rather contentious election on this site. Having said that, it is rather disappointing to see how strident people are on both sides. When talking politics, they get angry, lose their sense of humor, and become zealous with blind and insane fervor. Does that sound at all familiar? Isn’t angry with no sense of humor, zealous with blind and insane fervor pretty much the description of a terrorist? We might want to avoid being like that.

Case in point:
A motorist was arrested for trying to hit Florida congressional candidate Katherine Harris with his car. The driver was quoted as saying; "I was exercising my political expression." One assumes the democratic motorist was opposed to the republican Harris’s insensitivity to peace and the needy so he decided to run her down.

Take a deep breath, folks.

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Oh we on it now like you on it when you on it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Due to stitches in his ankle, Boston Red Sox pitcher Kurt Schilling’s blood has literally stained his white socks red. It is an amazingly good omen when you actually stain your uniform to match your organization’s symbol. Unless, of course, you’re a delivery person for U.P.S.

Soft sell
I got a junk e-mail offering to sell me soft Viagra tablets. Is it just me, or do soft Viagra tablets sound counterproductive? That’s like hot-spicy Cajun flavored Tums.

What a drag it is
Getting old is brutal. I’ve got a friend whose father was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder and Alzheimer’s. It actually works out OK, he forgets to yell stuff out.

Sympathy pains
Ashlee Simpson is now blaming her need to lip-synch on severe acid reflux disease. Which is a coincidence, because when I heard that lame excuse, I also developed severe acid reflux disease.

What’s Ashlee’s excuse for her goofy dancing, irritable bowel syndrome?

Ashlee, we wish we hardly knew ye
Here is the updated list of things Ashlee Simpson has blamed for her lip-synching snafu: her drummer, acid reflux disease, the “Saturday Night Live” director, her Dad, her voice coach, her doctor, her need to dance while singing. And now, oddly enough, Ashlee also blames that radio pack on President Bush’s back during the second debate.

Well at least it’s good to see Ashlee’s taking full responsibility.

At one point I even think Ashlee blamed Madonna and Elton John.

In a story related to the Ashlee Simpson lip-synching mess up, cultural experts now all officially agree there is such a thing as bad publicity.

When they asked her about her sister Ashlee’s subterfuge, Jessica Simpson said; “I didn’t know she got a new car.”

Ashlee Simpson says that it is silly everyone’s concerned about her botched performance when there are so many more important things going on. That’s true, there are more important things going on, but they aren’t nearly as funny. Well, maybe Lenny Kravitz’s stopped-up over-flowing toilet.

Monday, October 25, 2004

You heard it here first
Today Fox’s Bill O’Reilly called Ashlee Simpson and asked her to dirty lip-synch to him.

This just in
After his Sept 6th surgery, former president Clinton is out campaigning for John Kerry. Clinton is still recuperating, however. He is not yet up to full-sized interns.

Jessica Simpson’s sister, Ashlee Simpson, was caught in a lip-synching screw-up on “Saturday Night Live.” Later Simpson explained her jig: “I didn't know what to do, so I thought I'd do a hoe-down.” To which Christine Aguilera said; “Hey, leave me out of this.”

Think about it
Ten years ago if you told somebody that you Googled a movie title, then TiVo'd it, got the DVD on E-bay and downloaded the sound track on your Ipod, and then posted what you did on your Blog, you'd have been rightfully committed as totally insane.

A little advice
If the best part of waking up is Folgers in your cup? You might want to consider suicide.

The whack is back, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Milli VanAshlee
Jessica Simpson’s sister, Ashlee Simpson, was caught in a lip-synching screw-up on “Saturday Night Live.” What part of the live in “Saturday Night Live” didn’t Ashlee understand?

After this mishap, Jessica’s sister Ashlee has to legally change her name to Ashleast Simpson.

Ashlee was very brave and upfront about the mistake, at the show’s ending, she put the blame squarely on her band. Ashlee didn’t just throw her band under a bus, she threw them under the Dave Mathew’s band tour bus.

How bad was it? Lenny Kravitz’s overflowing toilet performed better than Ashlee Simpson did on ‘Saturday Night Live.” At least the stuff spewed from the toilet was real.

How bad was the lip-synching mishap? Ashlee Simpson made Milli Vanilli look like Placido Domingo and Luciano Pavarotti.

How embarrassing was the Ashlee lip-synching gaff? It was the entertainer’s equivalent of the naked-at-school-and-late-for-the-final-exam dream come to life.

Even Madonna is making fun of Ashlee’s lip synching.

Lenny Krapitz
Lenny Kravitz is being sued for over $300,000 worth of damage, which was caused by a clogged, overflowing toilet in Lenny’s Manhattan apartment. Look for Lenny’s latest hit: “Are You Gonna Go #2 My Way?”

Look for the Lenny Kravitz/Dave Mathews “Plumbers Gone Wild” tour sponsored by Metamucil.

This brings new meaning to Kravitz’s hit “Always on the Run.”

The Dave Mathews and Lenny Kravitz potty problems prove there is nothing funnier than when the affluent meets the effluence.

Makes sense
John Kerry went goose hunting last week. And next week, Kerry is going to testify against goose hunting in front of a PETA sub-committee.

At first Kerry was going to try and negotiate with the geese but he soon found that shooting them was more effective.

Hate to see that
There was a security mishap at the first World Series game in Boston; following “Gigli” “Jersey Girl” and now “Surviving Christmas,” all the bomb sniffing dogs kept barking at Ben Affleck

Bush couldn't have asked for more
Several major American Muslim groups have endorsed John Kerry. To which President Bush replied; “Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.”

John Kerry went hunting in Ohio last week in a move to improve his popularity with gun owners. The spin experts thought Kerry then took it too far when he got drunk and was arrested while shirtless in a trailer park.

Message received
John Kerry went hunting last week. Prior to that Kerry had photo-ops riding a motorcycle, playing hockey, tossing a football and windsurfing. A spokesperson for undecided voters everywhere said; “OK, John, you’ve got testicles, we’ve got it.”

That last joke wasn’t my fault, the band played the wrong song.