Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Oh we on it now like you on it when you on it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Due to stitches in his ankle, Boston Red Sox pitcher Kurt Schilling’s blood has literally stained his white socks red. It is an amazingly good omen when you actually stain your uniform to match your organization’s symbol. Unless, of course, you’re a delivery person for U.P.S.

Soft sell
I got a junk e-mail offering to sell me soft Viagra tablets. Is it just me, or do soft Viagra tablets sound counterproductive? That’s like hot-spicy Cajun flavored Tums.

What a drag it is
Getting old is brutal. I’ve got a friend whose father was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder and Alzheimer’s. It actually works out OK, he forgets to yell stuff out.

Sympathy pains
Ashlee Simpson is now blaming her need to lip-synch on severe acid reflux disease. Which is a coincidence, because when I heard that lame excuse, I also developed severe acid reflux disease.

What’s Ashlee’s excuse for her goofy dancing, irritable bowel syndrome?

Ashlee, we wish we hardly knew ye
Here is the updated list of things Ashlee Simpson has blamed for her lip-synching snafu: her drummer, acid reflux disease, the “Saturday Night Live” director, her Dad, her voice coach, her doctor, her need to dance while singing. And now, oddly enough, Ashlee also blames that radio pack on President Bush’s back during the second debate.

Well at least it’s good to see Ashlee’s taking full responsibility.

At one point I even think Ashlee blamed Madonna and Elton John.

In a story related to the Ashlee Simpson lip-synching mess up, cultural experts now all officially agree there is such a thing as bad publicity.

When they asked her about her sister Ashlee’s subterfuge, Jessica Simpson said; “I didn’t know she got a new car.”

Ashlee Simpson says that it is silly everyone’s concerned about her botched performance when there are so many more important things going on. That’s true, there are more important things going on, but they aren’t nearly as funny. Well, maybe Lenny Kravitz’s stopped-up over-flowing toilet.