Wednesday, October 27, 2004

Oh, snap, it is so happinin’ now it happininininer than a bowfizzle, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
(No idea what that means)

Many things at stake
With the election just a few days away, many issues are being discussed: the war in Iraq, national security, the economy, and, of course, the most important one: can Ashlee Simpson really sing on her own?

News flash
This just in: Neither Ashlee nor Jessica Simpson said or did anything exceedingly stupid today.

Not again
Once again, Ashlee Simpson apologized for her screw-up on “Saturday Night Live.” The problem? When she stopped talking the apology just kept on going.

The list of things Ashlee Simpson has blamed her lip-synching on is so big it includes her Dad, her Doctor and her drummer. And that’s just the D’s. Next she’ll say her dog ate her microphone.

World Serious
The Boston Red Sox are up 3-0 against the mighty bats of the St. Louis Cardinals. The Red Sox are so dominant, the only question remains: who does Pedro Martinez’s hair? Superfly Cuts? That hair hangs off his hat like Kudzu hanging down a Louisiana swamp.
(Man the drum kit)

As far as Pedro Martinez’s hair, I’ve seen better Jerry curls on French poodles. Badaboom.

Forget the Cy Young award, Pedro Martinez needs to be awarded a Flowbee. Bidabing.

Well, you can’t blame a girl
Paris Hilton announced she is head over heels in love with tennis star Mark Philippoussis. Apparently Paris can’t resist a guy with big fuzzy balls in his shorts.

More World Serious
The St. Louis Cardinals loss in game three was marked by the most embarrassing base running error in memory by pitcher Jeff Suppan. How bad was it? Suppan ran like a drunken debutante in high heels on a wet lawn.

When it comes to running, he put the Suppan in supinate.

Color me shocked
Big and Rich have a hit called “Save a Horse, Ride A Cowboy.” It combines country and rap and it’s good. Color me shocked. I would’ve thought that when you combine country and rap you’d get Crap.

Since you asked:
As I have mentioned before, San Diego and San Diegans just look plain silly in the rain. It’s like a guy wearing a straw hat and a bow tie eating a banana on a train; you don’t know why, it just looks goofy.

There I was holding hands with my – excuse me for babbling – rather adorable six-year-old daughter Ann Caroline, resplendent in the rain in her pink slicker and matching rain boots, as we attempted to cross the street to go to her school. Ten in a row - not two, but ten - luxury SUV's with the drivers bone dry in enclosed cars, refused to yield to let us cross so we could get out of a downpour. In their double-espresso crazed, cell phone-addled minds, it was better to leave a Dad, albeit a buffed and ruggedly handsome loving Dad, and his sweet, kind, cute little girl, to soak in the rain then to take a few scant seconds out of their busy, busy, day.

Is it just happening to me, or are people this insanely self-absorbed everywhere? Well, enough about that, I need to go see how many hits my web site - devoted to the wonder of me - had today.

Back to San Diegans in the rain. They are hilarious. (Since I have lived here since 1986, I guess I have to say we are hilarious) There are expeditions going up Mount Everest that don’t have as much gear as the average San Diegan on a rainy day: umbrellas, slickers, boots, parkas, hats, tarps, backpacks. And the expression on their, check that, our face is priceless. You’d think a methlab had exploded and it was raining fiery toxins.

You know that face a little kid has when they are desperately trying not to cry, but it’s a losing fight? That is the same expression San Diegans have when it is raining.

Since nobody asked:
As an alleged comedy writer who lives to skewer both sides and a natural political Independent, I decline to take sides on this rather contentious election on this site. Having said that, it is rather disappointing to see how strident people are on both sides. When talking politics, they get angry, lose their sense of humor, and become zealous with blind and insane fervor. Does that sound at all familiar? Isn’t angry with no sense of humor, zealous with blind and insane fervor pretty much the description of a terrorist? We might want to avoid being like that.

Case in point:
A motorist was arrested for trying to hit Florida congressional candidate Katherine Harris with his car. The driver was quoted as saying; "I was exercising my political expression." One assumes the democratic motorist was opposed to the republican Harris’s insensitivity to peace and the needy so he decided to run her down.

Take a deep breath, folks.