Friday, October 29, 2004

That what I did, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Once again

John Kerry said that his favorite Boston Red Sox player is Manny Ortiz. The problem? There is no Manny Ortiz. There’s Manny Ramirez and David Ortiz. See that? Kerry even flip-flops his Red Sox players.

Paging Mr. Cochran
Ashlee Simpson has blamed her lip-synching screw-up on G.E.R.D., Gastro esophageal reflux disease. She might want to hire Johnny Cochran, he could get her out of this mess:

“If she had the G.E.R.D., she could not be heard.”

Much better
*In the early voting in Florida there are already reports of missing ballots and voting machine problems. They’re botching the election results a month earlier than they did at the last election. Now that’s what I call progress.

That depressed, huh?
*They are taking the World Series loss hard in St. Louis. I haven’t seen Cardinals this depressed since young Catholic boys had to return to school in the Fall.

Wicked ways
*What has 589,000 people, a World Series title and a wicked hangover? Right now there are guys all over Boston who got drunk and forgot all about their Johnny Damon tattoo asking; “Who is this long-haired girl on my arm and why is her face so wicked hairy?”

Pretty sure
*Bill O’Reilly has settled his sexual harassment suit against his former producer, Andrea Mackris. The details of the settlement were not clear, but we are pretty sure Mackris is no longer on O’Reilly’s AT&T friends and family wireless plan.

That bad?
How bad is Ralph Nader’s campaign doing? Today he had to change his name to Ralph Nadir.

OK, not one of the better efforts today. Oh well, it happens. I suppose that even comedy writing legend Alex Gregory has bad days. But probably not.

Let's try to snap out of it with our new feature:

If I could draw anything better than stick figures, this would be my "New Yorker" cartoon submission

Older, wiser dog consulting puppy:

"Always remember, before you lick a human, discreetly lick yourself first."


Older, wiser dog consulting puppy 2:

"I know, I know, the baby talk and the tummy rubs are so annoying, but the humans enjoy doing it so much we just put up with it."