Thursday, October 28, 2004

Snaps it back and hold it, baby just a one mo’ time, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
(Apologies to the late, great harp blower, Junior Wells)

The Curse Reverse
The Boston sports fans are so happy they can actually forget about the Celtics for a while.

Unless you’re a die-hard Yankee or Cardinal fan, you have to be happy for Boston Red Sox fans. They hadn’t won a World Series since 1918. Or as Chicago Cubs fans call that: recent history.

Medical and military news
In addition to preventing heart disease, high cholesterol, and functioning as an anti-toxin, scientists have discovered that red wine can prevent lung cancer. No wonder the French don’t have an army, they drink so much red wine they can’t be killed.

Back to Beantown
All of Boston is celebrating wildly. Ted Kennedy got real drunk and was walking around without his pants. When asked how he felt about the Red Sox win, Ted said; “The Red Sox won?”

Or something like that
According to a polling survey, the more people you poll, the better the results. This is known as the Paris Hilton effect.

Help me out here
I lost track of the time, is this the time when we are talking about all the weight Renee Zellweger gained for a Bridget Jones movie, or all the weight she lost after it? I can’t keep up anymore.

Cubbies and Red Sox
You know whom I feel sorry for? Nomar Garciaparra. Traded from the Red Sox to the Chicago Cubs, the Cubs fade and the Red Sox win the World Series. On the other hand, Nomar is filthy rich, married to beautiful Mia Hamm, great looking, young, and a tremendous and popular athlete. On second thought, you know whom I feel sorry for? Me.

Ain’t whistling Dixie
Boston area morgues are on alert. All of the old New Englanders who have been holding on for Red Sox to win a World Series are going to make Boston look like the battlefield hospital scene in “Gone With the Wind.”

Not good
St. Louis Cardinals slugger Albert Pujols had a bad World Series. It could have been worse; he could have Boston Red Sox outfielder Trotman Nixon’s first name. Then he would be Trot Pujols

Since you asked:
As a long-suffering Chicago Cubs fan, it does my heart good to see the joyous Boston Red Sox fans celebrate a long-deserved World Series win, ending 86 years of World Series frustration. Of course, it isn’t quite the 91 years of World Series frustration we Cubs fan have been, and still are, enduring. Not that I am even the slightest bit bitter about the fact that all the Cubs had to do was win about, oh, say three more games out of 162 to make the freakin’ playoffs. But noooooo, they had to lose 8 out their last 10 damn games. Why, oh, why does this always happen, why? Even Red Sox fans have a World Series, why not us? Why are they doing this to us? No, I don’t want to relax. Let go of me, dammit! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh! No, no, not that, that needle hurts, I'll be good, I promise, Mommy, I want my Mommy . . .

(And let’s take a quick time-out for Lex’s medication and a little prescribed rest while we play the muzak version of Led Zeppelin's "When the Levy Breaks")

We are all very excited about a new feature here at "A Little Bit Bad", I like to call:

If I could draw anything better than stick figures, this would be my "New Yorker" cartoon submission:

A too-hip and too-antiseptic urban martini bar

Approaching Middle-aged Yuppie one: “I am an information technology resource analyst for vertical market integration corporations.”

Approaching Middle-aged Yuppie two: “You have absolutely no idea what you do for a living, do you?”

Approaching Middle-aged Yuppie one: “Not even a clue.”

That, or a Soccer Mom flying along in an SUV while talking on her cell phone:

"Carol? Katherine. I'm in such a hurry to make it to our Zen Meditation class, I think I just ran over someone."

I know, Mark O'Snickity, I know, I know . . .