Saturday, October 16, 2004

Saturday morning post last night's Jim Beam Marinade marinated perfectly grilled juicy medium rare and sautee'd onion and roasted garlic butter melted steak and very nice Merlot wine dinner coffee fueled rant:

Have you seen the International Harvester’s 7300 CXT? It’s a massive pickup truck that looks exactly like the cab of an 18-wheeler, including tall chrome exhaust pipe and chrome side diesel barrels. It’s the perfect vehicle for guys whose penis is so small it can’t actually be measured.

Tiger Woods has skipped the Funai Classic golf tournament in favor of luxury yachting around the Caribbean with his Swedish bikini model wife, Elin Nordegren. In other words, Tiger has found the single only other activity on the planet that is better than playing golf for millions of dollars. Reason # 3,765 why Tiger’s life is so much better than ours.

How would you like to be the pot-bellied former bully who talks to Eldrick “Tiger” Woods at Anaheim’s Western High reunion?

“So, Eldrick, what have you been doing since I hung you from your jockey shorts after gym?”

“Well, Biff, after taking a break from making nearly a billion dollars playing golf, I took my Swedish bikini model wife on a private luxury yacht for a honeymoon in the Caribbean? And you?”

“Me? Oh, I was employee-of-the-month at the “Small World” exhibit at Disneyland.”

But can Tiger grill a steak? Answer: He doesn't need to.

Friday, October 15, 2004

Oh, see, now, we ain’t gonna play it like that, playa Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

That bad, huh?
They are not kidding about this flu vaccine shortage; it’s so bad, the flu vaccine is the only drug you can’t find in Courtney Love’s blood stream.

Ewwwwwww and ewwww
Support is flocking to the Bush/Cheney ticket in criticism of John Kerry using Cheney’s lesbian daughter for a point during the debate. It’s so bad, for spin control, today John Kerry offered one of his daughter five million if she would become a lesbian.

First Hottie
*Did you see the shot of the Bush twins during the debate? They are really pretty, but is Jenna Bush the party girl poster child or what? No matter how nicely they dress her up, Jenna always looks like somebody just did a Jello shot off of her navel.

No matter what the occasion, Jenna always looks like she is about to slam down a Jagermiester shot and scream: “Woooooooooooo!”

Paris Hilton looks at Jenna Bush and says, “I could not even hang with that wild woman.”

Could you imagine a night of partying with Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and Jenna Bush? I’m telling you, those girls are so hot they could drive Michael Jackson out of a Chuckie Cheese.

More ewwwwww
Not to be crass or anything, but those Bush twins are so hot they could turn Dick Cheney into a lesbian.

Imagine that?
*Fox News’Bill O’Reilly is being sued by a former female producer for allegedly forcing her to have phone sex, discuss threeways and masturbating. Imagine that? A republican using Bill Clinton’s three point plan.

*Fox News’Bill O’Reilly is being sued by a former female producer for allegedly forcing her to have phone sex. She is suing O’Reilly for $60 million in damages. Apparently the damage was so extensive, it resulted in her inablity to hang up the phone.

King Dumb-ass
*In England, a former teacher claims she helped Prince Harry cheat on a big exam. This could seriously hurt Harry’s chances of landing a job if not for the fact that nobody in the history of the royal family has ever worked a stinking single day in their life.

Apparently Prince Harry doesn’t have the best grades in the world. In fact, it’s so bad that, if his grades get any worse, the royal family will have no choice but to change his name to Prince George W.

This will be wild
*Chris Rock is going to host the Academy Awards; I am a huge Chris Rock fan, but I get a feeling that, after the FCC fines, they’ll wish they had asked Janet Jackson’s breast to host instead.

That slow, huh?
*Boston Red Sox ace Curt Schilling is questionable due to a torn ankle tendon. If Schilling had to field a bunt, he would be slower than a Kobe Bryant room service order.

Thursday, October 14, 2004

It is yo thang, do whatchya wanna do, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Back and forth, back and forth
*Last night I switched back and forth from the Presidential debates to the baseball playoffs games and I think I’ve made a decision: I am going to vote for Derek Jeter for President.

*I was switching back and forth from both baseball playoff games to the Presidential debates, so I am a little confused, but I think the winner of the final debate was George W. Kerry of the St. Louis Yankees.

But I tell yah . . .
*During the debate did you hear John Kerry’s scorcher? "Being lectured by the President on fiscal responsibility is like Tony Soprano talking to me about law and order." Kerry added; “I’ll be here all week, try the veal and tip the cocktail waitresses.”

If he doesn’t win the Presidential election, you can catch John Kerry at open mike night at the Komedy Kove in Torrance.

That and when that Utah dork won again
I was switching channels between the debate and the baseball games so much I got confused; but I think my favorite part of the debate was when Alex Trabec asked them to tell an amusing anecdote.

So close
Just to give you some idea how close the election is at this point, if Ralph Nader throws his votes to one of the candidates, Nader’s votes could decide the election, all twelve of them.

Slowhand, fastfoot
*Guitar legend Eric Clapton was caught driving at 134 mph – 50 over the speed limit-- on a French motorway. The French do not allow driving that fast, unless, of course, it involves retreating from an invading army.

It may be
*At one point during the Yankee/ Red Sox game, the fans started shouting in unison to Sox pitcher Pedro Martinez: “Who’s your Daddy? Who’s your Daddy?” To which the NBA’s Shawn Kemp replied, “It might be me.”

Since you asked:
Is technology always good? Take the hotel key card. For the hotel owner, I am sure this is huge progress, they can just touch a computer button that makes new room cards instead of changing locks. But it is not an improvement for the hotel guest. (And really, if you pay to be someplace, are you really a guest? That’s like calling a prostitute your girlfriend. At a hotel you are basically a John for the room)

But I am willing to bet there are a lot more people who stay in hotels than own them, so I say the hotel card, in the grand scheme of things, is a huge step backwards.

Think of the added stress that is involved. You have to stand there and hope the room card accepts you enough so that it gives you the green light, ala a producer gives a green light to a movie project. Because if it doesn’t give you the green light, here is what goes through your mind:

“Uh oh, I didn’t get the green light. Is there something wrong with this room card? I’ll wipe it. This is the right room number, isn’t it? Yep. Try it again. Damn. Oh, no, you don’t suppose there’s something wrong with the credit card I used to book the room, do you? I paid the bill. What if I’ve had identity theft and somebody’s ripping me off? Try the card again. Red. Dammit, why does this happen to me? Why, because I’m no good that’s why. If I was any good would I be being punished like this? Obviously, I am a bad person and now I deserve to be essentially homeless, in a city where I don’t know a soul. I’ll be begging on the street, sleeping in a cardboard box in the rain. Kathy Young was right to dump me for that guy at Stanford, who the hell do I think I am . . . oh, wait, it worked that time. No where is that Honor Bar key?”

The old days? Stick in the key, and turn it. Open.You tell me which is better?

Oh, and another thing. Why do they still call it an Honor Bar? Never in the entire history of man paying for lodging has any human being ever uttered the words; "Hey, you forgot to charge me ten bucks for this bag of M&M's." What they should call it is the; "We Are Going to Rip You Off On Cheap Junk When Your Defenses Are Down" bar.

Welcome to the hell what do be the inner workings of what's left of my mind.

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

That is one jacked-up hooptie, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

There goes pet owner of the year
Portland Trail Blazers forward Qyntel Woods has been suspended for animal cruelty after he abandoned a battle-scarred pitt bull for not fighting in his illegal dog fighting ring. It is not known if Woods will face criminal charges but his membership in P.E.T.A. is in serous trouble.

King of popped-off
*Michael Jackson is reportedly livid about Eminem’s mocking video of him. Michael is so mad it put him off of his Jesus Juice.

Either way, it too long
*Tuesday was Bill and Hillary’s wedding anniversary, they’ve been married 29 years. And for Bill, 29 years makes 75-in married-to-Hillary years.

The real reason
* Saddam Hussein underwent a hernia operation a week ago. At least that’s what we told him, we really opened him up in desperation to see if he was hiding a weapon of mass destruction.

Good plan
*A lot of talk in political circles now about amending the U.S. Constitution so people born in other countries can run for president. That’s a good idea. We obviously can’t come up with anyone here who is qualified.

*The first debate had a moderator asking questions, the second debate featured questions from undecided voters, and the third debate will have the candidates answer questions that come from President Bush’s hidden transmitter.

*The first debate had a moderator asking questions, the second debate featured questions from undecided voters, and the third debate the candidates will answer questions from President Bush’s invisible pal Scooter.

Ralph is stepping up
This third presidential debate will be different for Ralph Nader as well; this time, instead of being tossed out by security cops, he plans to be thrown out by the Secret Service.

If she hurries
*In prison, Martha Stewart is limited to a one-hour call a day. That’s hardly enough time for ten insider stock trades.

That’s the difference between men and women: women are punished by limiting their phone conversations to one hour a day; men would be punished by having to talk an entire hour a day.

One hour is hardly enough time for Martha to use the prison phone; that only gives her time to scream at ten staff members.

Shameless Plug:
Tired of reading my crappy jokes? Well now you can hear them bomb in person.

That’s right, your comedy blog pal Lex the Kase is hosting a Comedy Night at the Del Mar Hilton on November 11th, 7:30 pm in the Derby room. Besides me, there are ten big-shot comedians from Los Angeles and San Diego and it will be a riot. Tickets are $20 and have to be purchased in advance. (All of the money goes directly to At Risk Youths in San Diego) You can e-mail me to reserve tickets at the door.

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

This really just in:
The rumor is that, during the first debate, President Bush wore a hidden radio device and was being fed answers. I thought it was odd when Bush blurted out; “Car 32, we have a 889 in progress at Elm Street and Birch, err, I mean, uh, it’s hard work.”

All this and a bag of chips:
(I stole my own Apocalypse joke)
Too bad the Angels and the Dodgers won’t be in the World Series, then it would be called “The Freeway Series." Do you know what they would call a World Series between the Chicago Cubs and the Boston Red Sox? Armegeddon.

If St. Louis and Boston make it, the World Series would be called Missouri versus Misery.

Clap on, clap off
78-yearold- Hugh Hefner is building a bachelor pad on top of the Palms in Las Vegas. It’s the first bachelor pad with a medical alert system; “Help, a playmate has fallen on me and I can’t get up.”

Speaking of the clap . . .
It’s Fleet Week down in San Diego. Or as Paris Hilton calls Fleet Week: Crunch Time.

How nice
Britney Spears and her new hubby Kevin Federline have a new house in Malibu. It’s really nice, it’s white, brand new and gets ten miles to the gallon.

Although there is a drastic shortage of flu vaccines this year, health officials are urging people not to buy black market flu shots on the Internet. That’s disappointing , I just saw a junk e-mail for a flu vaccine that will also enlarge your penis.

But seriously . . .
Have you heard about the porn video “Porn Stars for John Kerry”? Not to give anything away, but if you thought Kerry was a stiff . . . .

I’m Lex the Kase and I approve this message, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers (Let’s face it, my faux street cred opening was getting a little old, for real-izzle)

Just might be
*Critics claim the election in Afghanistan was rigged. I’m starting to think they’re right. Guess who finished second? Al Gore.

Can’t be right
I knew this tight of an election would get ugly, but I didn’t think it would get this ugly. Did I hear this right? Did President Bush accuse John Kerry of raising everyone’s taxes except for Osama bin Laden, O.J. Simpson and Martha Stewart?

Baseball fever
*The playoffs generate many questions: will the Red Sox beat the New York Yankees? Can another wild card team, Houston, win it all two years in a row? Who has the most unfortunate name in baseball history, pitching coach Dick Pole or Cardinal slugger Albert Pujols?

Give the kid a break
*A soldier, Joshua Horton, recuperating at home in Illinois from his wounds he received in Iraq, wife just had quintuplets. Man, it just isn’t that guy’s year.

When asked to comment about his five newborns, Horton said; “Thank goodness I’m in a hospital with war wounds.”

Missing al Qaida?
*A human right group claims 11 U. S. captured al-Qaida suspects have vanished. That’s a shame. We should put our best man on that. Tell you what, right after O.J. finds the real killers, we’ll send him out to find those missing al Qaida members.

*A human right group claims 11 U. S. captured al-Qaida suspects are missing. Is that right? Missing? They might have vanished but I don’t think anyone is missing al-Qaida members.

Don’t worry, I’m sure the CIA is treating the missing al-Qaida members just fine. Let’s not panic, we’d hate to see anyone . . . lose their heads over this.

Kobe fever, catch it
*Former Los Angeles Lakers coach Phil Jackson new book, “The Last Season” details his clashes with Kobe Bryant. His former coach can’t stand Kobe, Shaq can’t stand him, Colorado can’t stand Kobe, Kobe’s wife has allegedly left him, right now, the only one speaking to Kobe Bryant is his jeweler.

*A New Jersey S.P.C.A. chapter was closed because they didn’t prosecute former NBA star Jayson Williams for shooting his dog after losing a bet. As hard as it is to believe, Kobe Bryant may only be the second biggest jerk in the history of the NBA.

Just a wild guess, but ewwwww
*Palm Springs has the highest syphilis rate in the country. How did that happen? Palm Springs is a retirement community. Did all the poor old folks spread the syphilis because they forget that they had it?

Since you asked:
Slats and Nugs, whether you’re a baseball fan or not, you simply have to love this Boston Red Sox/New York Yankee A.L.C.S. The chilled clean Fall air, the vibrancy of the turning leaves, the vaunted history of Yankee stadium and the echoed cry of the passionate Boston Red Sox fans:

“Those effin’ Yankees wicked suck.”

Lex's grilling hour.

As the regular readers of A.L.B.B. can attest – all seven of you, a shout-out to the Snakes, Mark, John and Billy, P.A. Janice, Jeff Allen Hill the Lip, Good-Ray, Barry the Roz – I hate like hell to brag about my grilling, well, prowess might be too much, techniques.

But that was before Sunday night’s baby back ribs Lex-style. As you may already know, I am a big proponent of the combo. If rubs, marinades, slow-cooking and smoking all work, why not all four? That’s what I do to my ribs. Marinate in sugar/brine water for many hours, rub garlic powder, cumin, salt and pepper, broil at low (200) for three hours, finish off with my peach BBQ sauce on the grill for the cross-marks while hickory chips lovingly smoke them.

Well, now we can add one more element and that is steaming. What? You mean par-boiling? Slats and Nuggies, I would rather be par-boiled than par-boil my ribs. Does par-boiling make them tender? Sure, but so would throwing them in a Nuclear cooling tank. No, I mean pour a quarter to half of an inch of the brine marinade into the pan that you use to broil the ribs.

See, I don’t want meat falling off the bone. When it falls off the bone that mean the flavor fell off a long time ago. No, I want a little al dente. (To the tooth) And that’s what . .

en3489anndraopa[p4e8!!!! Bzzzzzz, snap ……….. Ahh I finally did it. I successfully hacked into Lex’s “A Little Bit Bad.” Lex, for the love of decency, stop with the insipid grilling tips. You’re killing us. Thanks, I have to go back to being a virgin living with my Mother ……… 3549043jka,………bzzzzzzzzzzz

. . . gives them that, if I may be so bold, perfect texture.

Monday, October 11, 2004

Whoa, he don’t know my life, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

It’s a good thing and a good start
*The report from West Virginia’s Alderson prison is that Martha Stewart is adapting well; here it is just four days into her sentence and Martha already has her own bitch.

The press is making a big deal over the fact that Martha Stewart had to endure the “strip, squat and cough” cavity search. Although for Martha, they changed the name from strip, squat and cough, to disrobe, ballet-plie’ and expectorate.

Why not?
*A report on college students in “Newsweek” reveals that many are choosing to “hook up” –casual, sexual encounters – over more serious relationships in order to save time. In a related story, Bill Clinton announced he is reenrolling in college.

Let’s take a pause while I curse the era when I went to college.

Swift Movie Watchers for Truth
*Porn stars have made a movie in support of John Kerry. Strictly for researching jokes, you understand, I looked at it. Talk about leading in the polls.

Man, you thought Kerry flip-flopped?

No, uh, sir, what I . . . forget it
Polls indicate the second presidential debate in St. Louis was a tie. When asked if he thought he had achieved parity with John Kerry, Bush said; “We ain’t gonna throw a parity until we win.”

Reality Debate TV
*For the third presidential debate they might want to spice things up. I have an idea. Four words: Sir Elton John, moderator.

I’ve got an idea how to spice-up the next Presidential debate: add a Karaoke contest. Who wouldn’t pay big money to see John Kerry sing “Feelings?”

That’s enough
*Chinese scientists say the earliest known relative of the T- Rex had feathers; OK, it’s official, this queer makeover stuff has got to stop.

Good rule
*Now that the New York Giants have won four in a row, Fox NFL’s Terry Bradshaw is back -peddling on calling coach Tom Coughlin a jerk. Terry shouldn’t call people names he can’t spell.

That explains it
*During the Indianapolis Colts romp over the Oakland Raiders, two players got tangled up and it was ruled: incidental tripping. I didn’t know the league had incidental tripping, no wonder Rickey Williams might come back.

While he is at it
*“Friends” Matthew Perry and Richard Pryor contributed to a reward for information leading to the arrest of the person who drowned a golden retriever north of Boston. In addition, Perry is also donating to a fund to see who sunk David Schwimmer’s acting career.

Apparently not
*The Miami Dolphins are the only team in the NFL without a win this season. Apparently hurricanes aren’t the only thing in Florida that blow.

Just to give you an idea how bad a year it has been for the Miami Dolphins, they have as many wins as Los Angeles’ NFL team.