Monday, October 11, 2004

Whoa, he don’t know my life, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

It’s a good thing and a good start
*The report from West Virginia’s Alderson prison is that Martha Stewart is adapting well; here it is just four days into her sentence and Martha already has her own bitch.

The press is making a big deal over the fact that Martha Stewart had to endure the “strip, squat and cough” cavity search. Although for Martha, they changed the name from strip, squat and cough, to disrobe, ballet-plie’ and expectorate.

Why not?
*A report on college students in “Newsweek” reveals that many are choosing to “hook up” –casual, sexual encounters – over more serious relationships in order to save time. In a related story, Bill Clinton announced he is reenrolling in college.

Let’s take a pause while I curse the era when I went to college.

Swift Movie Watchers for Truth
*Porn stars have made a movie in support of John Kerry. Strictly for researching jokes, you understand, I looked at it. Talk about leading in the polls.

Man, you thought Kerry flip-flopped?

No, uh, sir, what I . . . forget it
Polls indicate the second presidential debate in St. Louis was a tie. When asked if he thought he had achieved parity with John Kerry, Bush said; “We ain’t gonna throw a parity until we win.”

Reality Debate TV
*For the third presidential debate they might want to spice things up. I have an idea. Four words: Sir Elton John, moderator.

I’ve got an idea how to spice-up the next Presidential debate: add a Karaoke contest. Who wouldn’t pay big money to see John Kerry sing “Feelings?”

That’s enough
*Chinese scientists say the earliest known relative of the T- Rex had feathers; OK, it’s official, this queer makeover stuff has got to stop.

Good rule
*Now that the New York Giants have won four in a row, Fox NFL’s Terry Bradshaw is back -peddling on calling coach Tom Coughlin a jerk. Terry shouldn’t call people names he can’t spell.

That explains it
*During the Indianapolis Colts romp over the Oakland Raiders, two players got tangled up and it was ruled: incidental tripping. I didn’t know the league had incidental tripping, no wonder Rickey Williams might come back.

While he is at it
*“Friends” Matthew Perry and Richard Pryor contributed to a reward for information leading to the arrest of the person who drowned a golden retriever north of Boston. In addition, Perry is also donating to a fund to see who sunk David Schwimmer’s acting career.

Apparently not
*The Miami Dolphins are the only team in the NFL without a win this season. Apparently hurricanes aren’t the only thing in Florida that blow.

Just to give you an idea how bad a year it has been for the Miami Dolphins, they have as many wins as Los Angeles’ NFL team.