Wednesday, October 13, 2004

That is one jacked-up hooptie, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

There goes pet owner of the year
Portland Trail Blazers forward Qyntel Woods has been suspended for animal cruelty after he abandoned a battle-scarred pitt bull for not fighting in his illegal dog fighting ring. It is not known if Woods will face criminal charges but his membership in P.E.T.A. is in serous trouble.

King of popped-off
*Michael Jackson is reportedly livid about Eminem’s mocking video of him. Michael is so mad it put him off of his Jesus Juice.

Either way, it too long
*Tuesday was Bill and Hillary’s wedding anniversary, they’ve been married 29 years. And for Bill, 29 years makes 75-in married-to-Hillary years.

The real reason
* Saddam Hussein underwent a hernia operation a week ago. At least that’s what we told him, we really opened him up in desperation to see if he was hiding a weapon of mass destruction.

Good plan
*A lot of talk in political circles now about amending the U.S. Constitution so people born in other countries can run for president. That’s a good idea. We obviously can’t come up with anyone here who is qualified.

*The first debate had a moderator asking questions, the second debate featured questions from undecided voters, and the third debate will have the candidates answer questions that come from President Bush’s hidden transmitter.

*The first debate had a moderator asking questions, the second debate featured questions from undecided voters, and the third debate the candidates will answer questions from President Bush’s invisible pal Scooter.

Ralph is stepping up
This third presidential debate will be different for Ralph Nader as well; this time, instead of being tossed out by security cops, he plans to be thrown out by the Secret Service.

If she hurries
*In prison, Martha Stewart is limited to a one-hour call a day. That’s hardly enough time for ten insider stock trades.

That’s the difference between men and women: women are punished by limiting their phone conversations to one hour a day; men would be punished by having to talk an entire hour a day.

One hour is hardly enough time for Martha to use the prison phone; that only gives her time to scream at ten staff members.

Shameless Plug:
Tired of reading my crappy jokes? Well now you can hear them bomb in person.

That’s right, your comedy blog pal Lex the Kase is hosting a Comedy Night at the Del Mar Hilton on November 11th, 7:30 pm in the Derby room. Besides me, there are ten big-shot comedians from Los Angeles and San Diego and it will be a riot. Tickets are $20 and have to be purchased in advance. (All of the money goes directly to At Risk Youths in San Diego) You can e-mail me to reserve tickets at the door.