Saturday, September 11, 2004

Let’s toss a couple back for Vinny Abate today, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

“Knock, knock.” “Who’s there?” “Ivan.” “Ivan who?” “Ivanna get the hell out of Florida.”
*Hurricane Ivan is still posing a threat. This year, the hurricanes are men’s names picked in alphabetical order, sort of the same way Paris Hilton picks her video sex partners.

How . . . hot . . . is . . . I just can’t do it anymore . . .
Man, it has been hot. Today I was sweating like Paris Hilton’s proofreader

Watch your ass, Ann Rice
*Paris Hilton has written a book. I’ll take five words I never thought I’d say, for one hundred, Alex.

Paris Hilton has authored a book. That rumble you felt was Ernest Hemingway spinning in his grave.

Don’t you have to have read a book before you can write one?

Paris Hilton’s book, “Confessions of an Heiress” is out. It’s pretty good, I’m almost done coloring mine.

Paris Hilton is on a book tour to promote her book; “Confessions of an Heiress.” Here is my question: when Paris goes to Paris to promote her book, does Paris Hilton stay at the Paris Hilton? If somebody asks her name and her hotel, it could turn into a “Who’s On First?” routine.

In her book, Paris Hilton said she doesn’t like to drink alcohol. That’s sad to think she does all that stupid crap all on her own.

In her book, Paris said she takes the subway in New York. The only thing Paris can’t figure out is, like, why all these other totally strange people always try to get into her, like, subway car.

In her book, Paris reveals that she only wears a dress once. Yeah, once Paris takes it off to make a sex video, it’s history.

Simon and Schuster published Paris book “Confessions of an Heiress.” And some good news, Paris’s editor is reportedly in stable condition after her nervous breakdown incurred while editing Paris’s writing.

How would you like that job, Paris Hilton’s proof reader?

“Umm, Paris, although, granted, they are pretty, the i’s technically don’t have to be dotted with hearts. And, um, Paris, the word foreplay doesn’t mean sex with four people.”

That explains the groundswell of support
*A poll reveals Ralph Nader has 1% of the voter’s support. Apparently Dennis Kucinich has thrown his support behind Ralph Nader.

Every week is fashion week here at “A Little Bit Bad.”
*It’s fashion week in New York. Today, in Central Park, two fashion models got in a fight with some pigeons over a scrap of bread.

You can tell it’s fashion week in New York. What was thought to be a child’s stick figure drawing on the sidewalk, sadly, turned out to be a police chalk outline of a supermodel’s body.

The last original “ER” cast member, Noah Wylie, announced he will be leaving “ER” after this season. That is shocking. I had no idea “ER” was still on the air.

Is this a hurricane or a Club Med tour?
Hurricane Ivan hit Jamaica now it’s going to the Cayman Islands. Apparently this Ivan guy likes to party at the resorts.

Since you asked:
I saw the “Dateline NBC” special with Tom Brokaw that follows the saga with self-amputated hiker Aaron Ralston. As amazing as I thought his story was before, it turns out to be ten times more amazing. Arm crushed, six days with half a bottle of water, drinking his urine, carving his epitaph on the wall and saying goodbye to his mother and father on video tape before breaking and cutting his arm off, then repelling down a 25 foot wall and hiking seven miles to safety.

Five minutes before this show, I was genuinely upset because my TiVo wasn’t working, and I had to actually get off the couch and move the cabinet to unplug it and plug it back in to get it to work.

Not exactly cutting off my arm, was it?

Friday, September 10, 2004

Work it, work it, work it until they say your name, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Kind of like that
*The New England Patriots beat the Indianapolis Colts 27-24. The game was like John Kerry with Bill Clinton: it went back and forth, back and forth with lots of scoring.

Lucky her
*A study at Dartmouth claims that sleeping with your lover gives you the same feeling of bliss as receiving $50,000. Unless you’re Donald Trump’s lover, than you get to experience both.

One more try
*For 73 minutes during the bypass operation, Bill Clinton had no heartbeat, no pulse. So, for 73 minutes, Clinton was Dick Cheney.

Not positive, but I can check
*A poll reveals Ralph Nader has 1% of the voter’s support. That’s the lowest possible. I think Saddam Hussein has 1% and he isn’t even running.

While we’re dropping names
La Toya Jackson announced she is dropping the La, now she is just Toya. Upon hearing this, Toya’s agent said, “I can do better than that, I’m gonna drop the entire name La Toya Jackson.”

How wild?
“Playboy” is featuring women from McDonalds. How wild are the girls of McDonalds? Let’s just say, guys, get ready to get super sized.

Stupid space ship
*After two years in space collecting solar atoms, the $264 million Genesis space capsule crashed in Utah. It couldn’t even crash right, Utah is the most boring place in the world. A few hundred miles southwest and it could have been partying in Las Vegas.

That time again
On al Jazeera network, Osama’s # 2 man said America will be defeated. Every few months, these clowns peek out of their cave, plop down in the dirt, boast on tape how they are going to kick our ass, and then scurry back into their cave. They’re like a terrorist cuckoo clock.

But he still has that awesome Harmon babe
Jason Sehorn flunked his physical with the St. Louis Rams. Poor guy, first he can’t provide pass coverage, now he can’t get medical coverage.

Oh no, say it ain’t so
Shaquille O’Neal took nasty, ugly shots at Kobe Bryant on his latest rap CD. Oh, that’s bad, that’s horrible, I hate hear that. Shaq has a new rap CD? That’s just awful.

Good news, bad news
The bad news for Kobe Bryant is Shaquille O’Neal took shots Kobe on his latest rap CD “Hot in Here Part Five.” The good news for Bryant is that it’s a Shaq rap CD, so nobody will actually hear it.

And finally
Orlando Sentinel's Jerry Greene: "What's the difference between Deion Sanders and that defrocked priest who disrupted the Olympic marathon? That's right - the defrocked priest can tackle.''

I have to add one more: the priest was wearing a red kilt with a green beret, so clearly he also dresses better than Deion.

Since you asked:
That’s rich, me ragging on how somebody dresses, let alone Deion Sanders.

Except for a brief period during my senior year in high school – where I actually invented the now classic unbuttoned oxford shirt over the t-shirt look with blue jeans – I have been a bit of a fashion felon my entire life.

When I was at U.C. Santa Barbara, I would always don questionable attire - like the brown suede cowboy boots I thought made me look like a cross between Keith Richards and the Sundance kid – and my uber-preppy Orange and Marin County Sigma Chi fraternity brothers, veritably smothered in Polo cologne, would look at me, scratch their heads and mumble, “I don't know, it must be a Chicago thing.”

When I got back to Chicago, my old high school friends would look at the same boots and say;

“Man, they must really dress weird out there in California.”

Thursday, September 09, 2004

Everybody gonna get hip up in the club, oh yeah, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How . . . hot . . . is . . . oh forget it
*It’s been hot. Today I was sweating like the NASA engineer who packed the Genesis parachutes.

Coming right along
*Bill Clinton has been convalescing well. He will soon go from I.V.’s to soft food, then to hard food and, finally, eventually back to soft interns.

That’s too bad
*After two years in space collecting solar atoms, the $264 million Genesis space capsule crashed in Utah. The mission was expensive, and was doing well, but it fell apart and crashed at the end.
In fact, they had to rename the mission after the Howard Dean campaign.

Not including there
*An international poll conducted by GlobeScan found that, in other countries, John Kerry was favored over President Bush by an average of 46% versus 20%. When asked to comment, President Bush said,

“What about Europeans? I happen to know I am very popular in the country of Europea.”

We kid the President
Rumor has it that Ken Jennings lost in a “Jeopardy” that will be aired later. The producers must have wanted Jennings gone. The final Jeopardy topic was: “Three big words President Bush pronounces correctly.”

Who knew?
*“American Idol” judge Simon Cowell was seen drunkenly cavorting with two voluptuous blonde women at the Playboy mansion. That’s shocking. I'm flabbergasted. That’s unbelievable. Who knew that Simon Cowell was straight?

*A review of Bush's National Guard records by the “Boston Globe” indicate absences of service by Bush for six months in 1972 and almost three months in 1973. It was embarrassing, when asked to explain his truancy, Bush said; “Truancy is important. I always try to speak true.”

Not that they are nerds or anything
*According to a poll of fantasy football players by F.F., 40 % rated fantasy football as their No. 1 thought during the day, compared to 30 % who answered sex. And 10% said they could only think about sex if they were close to their asthma inhaler

Since you asked:
What is the deal with hangnails?

Not to boast, but, in high school, I played an entire football season with a broken rib; I have continued to snowboard after separating a shoulder, I’ve helicopter skied in the Canadian Rockies, finished an Olympic-distance triathlon and mountain biked up a Colorado mountain from 9,000 feet up to a 14,000 feet, each after pulling raging, ugly, all-nighters; I’ve run five miles in 40 below weather, and competed in decathlons on a partially-healed torn hamstring. In no way, should anyone consider me a, pardon the expression, Girlie Man.

But when I get a hangnail the size of a grain of sea salt, I pout, whine, whimper, wheeze and nearly shed little schoolgirl tears like some pudgy, red-cheeked little brat in lederhosen and a propeller cap licking a giant pink lollipop.

Why is that? Maybe it's because I am in a Fantasy Football league. (Yeah, but I got Chad Pennington, Rudi Johnson, Joe Horn and my boy, John Karney, so I ain't no nerd, yo)

Let me know, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

(If my frickin’ Nazi, virus protector sends it back, try sending it again)
This just in:
As one of the leading proponents of the popular Lipstick Lesbian trend, and a card-carrying Lesbian fan since the eighth grade, I feel compelled to speak on a current issue: G.P.P. L.D's. Gratuitous Phony Public Lesbian Displays.

My sources inform me that there are many pretty girls out in the clubs and bars who have taken to open girl-on-girl foreplay merely to titillate and arouse (From the Department of Redundancy Department) the men in attendance. These girls are not actually lesbians nor are they bi-sexual, they are simply faking their actions for the sake of brutally teasing the fellows. (Who the hell says fellows anymore?)

If I may speak for my fellow fellow, let me say that I find these faux-lesbian acts shamelessly dishonest, a transparent cry for attention and, for the love of decency, whatever you do, girls, PLEASE KEEP THEM UP.

It’s working. We like it. We don’t care if you don’t mean it. Where the eff was it when I was single?

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

We all play callin’ and straight ballin’ all up in this here beeeeeeeeeeyaaaaatch, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How hot . . .was . . . it?
*It’s been hot, I was sweating like Venessa Bryant trying to wrestle the ring back from Kobe.

Go figure
*Today doctors say Bill Clinton is awake and alert after his quadruple bypass. That’s amazing, president Bush isn’t alert and he didn’t even have surgery.

Or as President Bush continues to calls the quadruple bypass, the Guadalupe overpass.

The term for the big scar after bypass operations is a zipper. At long last, Bill Clinton finally has a zipper he can keep shut.

Back in my daaaayyyyy
*Maybe it’s just me, but every time I hear John Kerry speak, I expect him to yell, “Why, you punks get off my lawn.”

If I were Kerry’s advisor, I’d tell him the first thing he has to do is get that old man smell out of his voice.

Rocky Mountain high
*“Men’s Health” magazine said that Denver is the drunkest city. Apparently Denver’s nickname the Mile High city has nothing to do with the altitude.

It’s especially the drunkest when the Denver Nuggets are playing.

Upon hearing this, Dade County Florida said, “OK, Denver’s the drunkest, but we’re still the stupidest, right?”

Rummy ain't no dummy
*Def. Sec. Donald Rumsfeld said that the use of force is just one way to defeat terrorists. Sure, it’s the most fun way, but not the only way.

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

We got our A game face on today, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Good news
Clinton is said to be doing fine after his heart operation. He should be on solid interns in a week.

We would like to point out that there was absolutely no truth to the ugly rumor that Hillary slipped the surgeon a hundred to have Clinton neutered as long as he was out.

Pish Posh, not into it
*There is a call to have Real Madrid's David Beckham benched. Beckham has been playing lackadaisically. Have you heard about the new movie? It's called "Pretend it Like Beckham."

Not clear on the concept
*President Bush has moved ahead of John Kerry after the Republican convention. It was embarrassing, when they asked Bush what he thought about his ascension, Bush said, "It still hurts a little when I run."

Sweet relief
*Michael Moore is not submitting his film 'Fahrenheit 9/11' for consideration in the best documentary category at next year's Oscars. That's bad news for the Oscars, good news for the Oscar bathroom attendant.

*Michael Moore wants a nomination for best picture, not best documentary. That would make up for Moore being nominated for, "The Guy You?d Least Want to Follow in the Bathroom."

Sorry Charlie
*First we had Frances then Gaston, now we have Ivan. Meteorological experts are at a loss to explain why we suddenly have so many hurricanes and why they are all gay.

Frances, Gaston, and Ivan? Those aren't hurricanes, those are the three runners up the "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" auditions.

Poor fellow
First he lost his number one golfer title after over five years, now the Boston Herald reports that Tiger Woods broke up with his Swedish bikini model fiancé, Elin Nordegin. Poor Tiger, at the rate he's going his life is only about a thousand times better than everyone else's.

Good news
In discussing his motive for a comeback, Deion Sanders said he wouldn't do anything that would embarrass himself. So, apparently, he has fired his tailor.

Or something like that
Netflix and TiVo are hooking up to allow people to record movies from the Internet. It's called, "Operation Destroy the Evil, Sadistic Blockbuster Clerks."

Medical definition
They announced former President Bill Clinton underwent a routine quadruple bypass. Do you know what defines a routine bypass? When it's someone else's.