Thursday, September 09, 2004

Everybody gonna get hip up in the club, oh yeah, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How . . . hot . . . is . . . oh forget it
*It’s been hot. Today I was sweating like the NASA engineer who packed the Genesis parachutes.

Coming right along
*Bill Clinton has been convalescing well. He will soon go from I.V.’s to soft food, then to hard food and, finally, eventually back to soft interns.

That’s too bad
*After two years in space collecting solar atoms, the $264 million Genesis space capsule crashed in Utah. The mission was expensive, and was doing well, but it fell apart and crashed at the end.
In fact, they had to rename the mission after the Howard Dean campaign.

Not including there
*An international poll conducted by GlobeScan found that, in other countries, John Kerry was favored over President Bush by an average of 46% versus 20%. When asked to comment, President Bush said,

“What about Europeans? I happen to know I am very popular in the country of Europea.”

We kid the President
Rumor has it that Ken Jennings lost in a “Jeopardy” that will be aired later. The producers must have wanted Jennings gone. The final Jeopardy topic was: “Three big words President Bush pronounces correctly.”

Who knew?
*“American Idol” judge Simon Cowell was seen drunkenly cavorting with two voluptuous blonde women at the Playboy mansion. That’s shocking. I'm flabbergasted. That’s unbelievable. Who knew that Simon Cowell was straight?

*A review of Bush's National Guard records by the “Boston Globe” indicate absences of service by Bush for six months in 1972 and almost three months in 1973. It was embarrassing, when asked to explain his truancy, Bush said; “Truancy is important. I always try to speak true.”

Not that they are nerds or anything
*According to a poll of fantasy football players by F.F., 40 % rated fantasy football as their No. 1 thought during the day, compared to 30 % who answered sex. And 10% said they could only think about sex if they were close to their asthma inhaler

Since you asked:
What is the deal with hangnails?

Not to boast, but, in high school, I played an entire football season with a broken rib; I have continued to snowboard after separating a shoulder, I’ve helicopter skied in the Canadian Rockies, finished an Olympic-distance triathlon and mountain biked up a Colorado mountain from 9,000 feet up to a 14,000 feet, each after pulling raging, ugly, all-nighters; I’ve run five miles in 40 below weather, and competed in decathlons on a partially-healed torn hamstring. In no way, should anyone consider me a, pardon the expression, Girlie Man.

But when I get a hangnail the size of a grain of sea salt, I pout, whine, whimper, wheeze and nearly shed little schoolgirl tears like some pudgy, red-cheeked little brat in lederhosen and a propeller cap licking a giant pink lollipop.

Why is that? Maybe it's because I am in a Fantasy Football league. (Yeah, but I got Chad Pennington, Rudi Johnson, Joe Horn and my boy, John Karney, so I ain't no nerd, yo)

Let me know, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

(If my frickin’ Nazi, virus protector sends it back, try sending it again)