Saturday, September 11, 2004

Let’s toss a couple back for Vinny Abate today, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

“Knock, knock.” “Who’s there?” “Ivan.” “Ivan who?” “Ivanna get the hell out of Florida.”
*Hurricane Ivan is still posing a threat. This year, the hurricanes are men’s names picked in alphabetical order, sort of the same way Paris Hilton picks her video sex partners.

How . . . hot . . . is . . . I just can’t do it anymore . . .
Man, it has been hot. Today I was sweating like Paris Hilton’s proofreader

Watch your ass, Ann Rice
*Paris Hilton has written a book. I’ll take five words I never thought I’d say, for one hundred, Alex.

Paris Hilton has authored a book. That rumble you felt was Ernest Hemingway spinning in his grave.

Don’t you have to have read a book before you can write one?

Paris Hilton’s book, “Confessions of an Heiress” is out. It’s pretty good, I’m almost done coloring mine.

Paris Hilton is on a book tour to promote her book; “Confessions of an Heiress.” Here is my question: when Paris goes to Paris to promote her book, does Paris Hilton stay at the Paris Hilton? If somebody asks her name and her hotel, it could turn into a “Who’s On First?” routine.

In her book, Paris Hilton said she doesn’t like to drink alcohol. That’s sad to think she does all that stupid crap all on her own.

In her book, Paris said she takes the subway in New York. The only thing Paris can’t figure out is, like, why all these other totally strange people always try to get into her, like, subway car.

In her book, Paris reveals that she only wears a dress once. Yeah, once Paris takes it off to make a sex video, it’s history.

Simon and Schuster published Paris book “Confessions of an Heiress.” And some good news, Paris’s editor is reportedly in stable condition after her nervous breakdown incurred while editing Paris’s writing.

How would you like that job, Paris Hilton’s proof reader?

“Umm, Paris, although, granted, they are pretty, the i’s technically don’t have to be dotted with hearts. And, um, Paris, the word foreplay doesn’t mean sex with four people.”

That explains the groundswell of support
*A poll reveals Ralph Nader has 1% of the voter’s support. Apparently Dennis Kucinich has thrown his support behind Ralph Nader.

Every week is fashion week here at “A Little Bit Bad.”
*It’s fashion week in New York. Today, in Central Park, two fashion models got in a fight with some pigeons over a scrap of bread.

You can tell it’s fashion week in New York. What was thought to be a child’s stick figure drawing on the sidewalk, sadly, turned out to be a police chalk outline of a supermodel’s body.

The last original “ER” cast member, Noah Wylie, announced he will be leaving “ER” after this season. That is shocking. I had no idea “ER” was still on the air.

Is this a hurricane or a Club Med tour?
Hurricane Ivan hit Jamaica now it’s going to the Cayman Islands. Apparently this Ivan guy likes to party at the resorts.

Since you asked:
I saw the “Dateline NBC” special with Tom Brokaw that follows the saga with self-amputated hiker Aaron Ralston. As amazing as I thought his story was before, it turns out to be ten times more amazing. Arm crushed, six days with half a bottle of water, drinking his urine, carving his epitaph on the wall and saying goodbye to his mother and father on video tape before breaking and cutting his arm off, then repelling down a 25 foot wall and hiking seven miles to safety.

Five minutes before this show, I was genuinely upset because my TiVo wasn’t working, and I had to actually get off the couch and move the cabinet to unplug it and plug it back in to get it to work.

Not exactly cutting off my arm, was it?