This just in:
As one of the leading proponents of the popular Lipstick Lesbian trend, and a card-carrying Lesbian fan since the eighth grade, I feel compelled to speak on a current issue: G.P.P. L.D's. Gratuitous Phony Public Lesbian Displays.

My sources inform me that there are many pretty girls out in the clubs and bars who have taken to open girl-on-girl foreplay merely to titillate and arouse (From the Department of Redundancy Department) the men in attendance. These girls are not actually lesbians nor are they bi-sexual, they are simply faking their actions for the sake of brutally teasing the fellows. (Who the hell says fellows anymore?)

If I may speak for my fellow fellow, let me say that I find these faux-lesbian acts shamelessly dishonest, a transparent cry for attention and, for the love of decency, whatever you do, girls, PLEASE KEEP THEM UP.

It’s working. We like it. We don’t care if you don’t mean it. Where the eff was it when I was single?