Saturday, June 26, 2004

This just in:

It was announced that, when he retires from racing, Smarty Jones will stand as a stallion at Three Chimneys Farm in Kentucky. You have no idea what I would give to have my name appear next to the words “will stand as a stallion.”

Three Chimneys Farm. Doesn’t that sound good? Why, as a native of Kentucky, I can right near smell the grits cooking; I can almost hear the soft rustle of the breeze through the willow trees; the lonesome high whinny of the feisty mares and the clink of branch-water ice in a crystal tumbler just before it is lovingly bathed with an aged, smooth and smoky fine Kentucky bourbon.

Oh, wait, I just remembered, I was born in Kentucky, but I was raised outside of Chicago.

Hey, youse guys, I can damn near smell 'da brats grillin' and the hear the screech of 'da El train as 'da Cubs is abouts to knock 'da ever livin' crap outta dose dog-ass White Socks.

(Polite applause)

That reminds me. Do you know the oldest joke in Chicago?

Chicagoan: "Hey, does 'dis bus go to da' Loop?

Wise-ass Chicagoan: "No, it goes: beep beep."

I didn't say it was good, I said it was old.

We so crazy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Oh, that day
*Yesterday was “Take your dog to work” day. That makes today; “Come in on Saturday and clean that stain on the office floor” day.

You gotta go, you gotta go . . .
*It was kind of embarrassing, President Bush misunderstood when he said he would be interviewed about a leak from the White House. Bush said;

“Yeah, there was a White House leak, I was in the rose garden and I had to go, so what’s the big deal?”

Go what myself?
On the Senate floor, Vice President Dick Cheney told democrat Sen. Patrick Leahy of Vermont to “go F*** yourself.” Apparently they were discussing a new birth control act.

Klingon this
In an ugly divorce, Star Trek’s Jeri Ryan said her husband, Jack Ryan, a republican candidate for the Senate, forced her to perform sex acts in front of strangers at sex clubs. Upon hearing this, 10,000 Star Trek fans had to be treated for a sudden asthma attack.

That's how sad Republicans are, finally a Republican gets imbroiled in a juicy sex scandal, and it involves his wife.

You should have heard what Dick Cheney told Jeri Ryan to do.

You know it’s just your foolish pride
Eric Clapton raised about $7.5 million auctioning his guitars for charity. In a related story, the brothers in the band Hansen hocked their guitars at a pawnshop for $20.

Playing big
Have you heard this rumor Shaq may go to the Dallas Mavericks? You thought Shaq was a force in the post before, just wait to see how big he is with cowboy boots and a ten-gallon hat.

Spanish lesson
Earlier this week, Ralph Nader named his running mate. It’s Green Party activist Peter Camejo. Camejo is Spanish for: Who cares?

Since you asked:
Getting some feedback on the dog-naming Since you asked:

What have I learned? We Americans are sensitive about, well, everything, but especially our pets.

Cat owners, sorry about the "who cares what you name a cat?" thing. The name of your pet is important, even if it is a worthless, capable-of-nothing-yet-somehow-still-gets-credit-for-being-aloof cat.

And dog owners who have named their dogs, what I insensitively called, dorky names, like Socks, Frisky, Sasha, Fluffy, Puffy, Missy, (Pukey) I also apologize. If you want to give your pet an annoying name, that is your right. Just, please, don't do it to a dog that is over ten pounds, i.e., an actual real dog and not some fuzzy fashion accessory that yips.

There, I hope that I made everyone happy.

I'll get to snake owners later.

P.S. How cool is Eric Clapton? The guy has been making - not just great - but the best music around for, oh, I don't know, how about ALL OF MY LIFE and the guy is still so cool. I consider Eric Clapton and his music to be one of the real benefits of being alive at this time. Along with T.V. remotes, garage door openers and spell check. If I'm leaving anything out, let me know. Especially you cat owners.

Thursday, June 24, 2004

It's gettin all kinds a good to me now, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

It must be all those Buffalo wings she eats
*Jessica Simpson had to cancel a concert because of a kidney infection. When the doctor informed her of her kidney infection, Jessica said; “That’s weird, my foot doesn’t hurt at all.”

Well, it’s something
*In New Orleans, a zoo showed gorilla porn to a male gorilla to get him to mate. It didn’t make him mate, but the gorilla can now call the front desk and order more towels and skin lotion.

Let’s just say showing the gorilla porn wasn’t a huge mating success. In addition, now the gorilla has to be treated for elbow tendonitis.

Same old nasty Billy
*Bill Clinton’s book tour is in full swing. Clinton hasn’t changed though. When a really hot woman asks him to autograph a book, Clinton signs his hotel room number on page #69.

Terminal illness
*“The Terminal” is a new movie with Tom Hanks. The Terminal is also how a Northwest pilot asks for directions. “The Terminal?”

A Northwest Airlines flight landed at the wrong airport in South Dakota. It wasn’t a total waste of time; the pilots used the stop to buy more booze.

Say ahh and woof
*Friday is “Take your dog to work” day. I hope doctors aren’t taking their dogs to work. It’s nerve-wracking enough when a guy goes in for his prostate exam, the last thing he needs is to have to yell; “Hey, what the hell is that dog for?”

I couldn’t be a doctor; I’m too much of a wise-ass. While some poor guy is in the exam room nervously waiting for his prostate exam, I would pump in the banjo music from; “Deliverance.”

Catchy ad campaign
*SpaceShipOne, the first corporate owned space ship flew into space this week. Did you see their ad? “Be the first of your friends to join the twenty mile high club.”

“Who knows?” was already taken
*Have you heard the California Lottery’s Super Lotto Plus slogan? It’s “Maybe.” I think “Maybe” is also the C.I.A.’s motto. W.M.D.’s? Maybe. An Osama/Saddam connection? Maybe.

That’s enough
*I’ve had it with spam, junk e-mail. Apparently there is somebody in Russia who is under the impression I need to enlarge my penis. It just shows how misinformed they are.

And, finally
*There was an embarrassing moment during Bill Clinton’s book signing. Clinton misunderstood when one of his fans complimented his “60 Minutes” performance, Clinton said;

“Thanks, but I have to give some of the credit for my sixty minutes performance to Viagra.”

Since you asked
As a father of a sweet five-year-old girl, I am truly upset about the current and popular slut-oriented young women’s fashion look. And, as a guy, I am downright incensed it wasn’t around when I was single.

When I was single, we didn’t have the now legally required butt/back tattoos to identify the real feisty player women. We only had cigarettes, ankle bracelets and cheap perfume. Maybe an angora sweater and a garter belt. Maybe.

Not all of the legally required female-player back/butt tattoos are attractive to us guys. For example, the “Does this tattoo make my butt look big?” is not popular with us guys. Neither is the “Objects in this tattoo are larger than they appear.” But I think the least attractive female-player butt/back tattoo for us guys has to be; “Don’t even THINK about parking here.”

P.S. Fellow Cubs fans, could you please refrain from using either the names Paul or Bako around me for a day or so?

Wednesday, June 23, 2004

You want you some of this right here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Oops, I did it again
*In L.A. Britney Spears’ mom accidentally hit a photographer with her car after Britney bought two puppies. When I first heard Britney bought two puppies I thought, didn’t she already have her breasts done?

Couch this topic
*More interesting facts are coming out of Bill Clinton’s ‘My Life.” After he told Hillary about his affair with Monica Lewinski, Clinton slept on the couch. Yeah, her full name was Susan Couch.

But it’s worth it
*Bill Clinton’s book tour is in full swing. If you show up early and buy his book, Clinton will sign it for free. And, ladies, for an extra charge, he’ll even stain your dress.

Go for it
*This summer for vacation, here is a fun idea: just take off without any travel plans or cares where you end up. Just pack a bag and book a flight on Northwest Airlines.

A Northwest Airlines flight landed at the wrong airport in South Dakota. It landed at an Air Force base miles away. This marks the first time that, when an airline lost the luggage, they lost the plane with it.

The other pilots are not going to let this guy live this down;

“Hey, there’s Captain Wrong Way. Did you end up at the right house last night?”

The worst part? Northwest Airlines charged the passengers an extra sight-seeing fee.

And finally
*Friday is take your dog to work day. Unless you work at a Korean Deli, then you may want to leave it at home.

Since you asked;
On the list of things that would be different if I was president, right after I got rid of the designated hitter, Astroturf, Zima, hard-to-open packages - especially CD cases – the movie announcer with the ten-pack-a-day voice, public cell-phone yammering in front of a captive audience, low-fat mayonnaise and lawn gnomes, I would outlaw parents letting their children name their dog.

When it comes to a cat, who cares? But a dog, especially really good dogs, like Labradors, deserve a cute, yet dignified name that acknowledges their great hunting history. Yesterday, I had the fortune to see a really cute yellow lab puppy. Then I had the misfortune to find out it’s name was Mister Woofers. The man informed me of this in the most hang-dogged, humiliated fashion and then dejectedly added what didn’t need to be said:

“The kids named the dog.”

Even the dog was ashamed. Do your kids pay the mortgage? Did they pay for the dog? Then don’t let them name the damn dog.

Folks, before you name a dog, stand outside your front door and repeatedly yell the name. If you aren’t humiliated, you can now name your dog that. Our dogs are Wrigley and Kasey. Kasey after my lifelong nickname (No, it wasn’t d*ckhead) and Wrigley after the great Cubs field. Other good Labrador names are Sidney, Sayers, Jordan, Higgins, Madison (Maddy) Ernie, Henry, Annie, Lucy, Trudy and Sophie.

You have to give a dog a person’s name, not a stupid, made up name. But since people are now even Tegan’ing and Amberosa’ing their own kids, I can’t stop them from hanging a dorky name on their dog. Dorky names are Bailey for a yellow lab, or Cocoa and the endless-as-they-are-annoying chocolate derivations for a chocolate lab.

Always wait until you see the dog before you give them a name. Wrigley looked like a Wrigley from the first time we saw him. We sat on the floor as eight, six-week-old yellow lab puppies wiggled to and fro, then Wrigley wiggled up and sat in my lap.

As I have mentioned, Wrigley looks like he should be wearing a bow tie, not in an intellectual way, more in a Forrest Gump kind of way. Kasey is Inspector Kasey. She has a permanent look of troubled concern on her, furry, furrowed brow. Kasey always looks like she is about to ask "Are you sure you won't forget to feed me today?" Wrigley always looks like he is asking; “Huh?”

So the next time I see a noble beast with a name like Puddles, or Bowow, or Fuzzy, or Bella, or Luna, or Bunny or especially, Mister Woofers, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Ruckus is OK, though.

Tuesday, June 22, 2004

This just in:
Britney Spears’ mom accidentally hit a photographer with her car after she and Britney bought two puppies at a pet store. He’s OK. When I first saw the story about Britney and her two puppies, I thought it was going to be about her breasts.

This just in:

A Northwest Airlines flight landed at the wrong airport in South Dakota. It landed at an Air Force base miles away. That will teach Northwest to let the C.I.A. create their flight plans.

The pilot was shocked. So shocked, in fact, it cured him of his drunken hiccups.

Oh, that is just flat fly’r than a mofizzle, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

*Michael Moore continues to fight the R rating for his film “Fahrenheit 9/11.” More bad news for Michael Moore, today travelers voted Moore; “The Man You’d Least Want to Follow in The Airplane Bathroom.”

*Man, Michael Moore sure is in the news a lot. He’s in the news so much, to make sure she continues to get her share of free publicity, Jennifer Lopez is thinking of marrying Moore next.

Bill Fever, catch it
*With his new book “My Life” and T.V. appearances and his book tour, the press reports that New York has Bill Clinton fever. Don’t worry, if you do get Bill Clinton fever, a shot of penicillin will clear it right up.

On second thought, it is better to catch Bill Clinton fever than it is to catch a lot of other things from Bill Clinton.

Not since then
*After the tough conditions at Shinnecock for the U.S. Open, the players complained bitterly that the course was unfair. I haven’t seen golfers this mad since they stopped making plaid polyester pants.

*A study conducted by Canadian researchers has revealed that dogs can sense when a child is about to have an epileptic fit. That’s when you know you have a cheap HMO, when, instead of a check-up, it sends you to the dog pound.

Ewww, what a lucky man he was
*Ben Affleck won $356,000 in the Commerce Casino’s California State Championship poker tournament. Man, what a lucky guy, he wins a poker tournament and gets out of a Jennifer Lopez marriage all within one year. Only three guys have done that before.

Memories, like the corners of my mind . . .

*Anti-doping officials believe world 100 meters record holder Tim Montgomery took a cocktail of drugs including human growth hormone and EPO, according to the Los Angeles Times. Remember the good ol’ days when track stars were clean and rock stars were on drugs?

Younger than we thought
*A British Medical Journal says, depending on how much, smoking can knock ten-years off of your life. That means Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards is only about twenty-five years old.

Since you asked: (The delivery on this one is a combo Dennis Miller, Dennis Leary and "Scrubs" Dr. Cox, the great, albiet upper-lip-less John C. McGinley)

Trust me on this one, soccer mom gals, I don’t give a rat’s ass who cried on “Oprah” today, it is not worth taking a life, via an auto accident, to tell your fellow soccer mom about it on your drive to your manicurist or personal trainer. Get off the phone and drive.

Since you asked, II:
The authors of the rather nasty-titled book “Micheal Moore is a Big Fat Stupid White Man” say that Moore fits the definition of narcissistic personality disorder which combines a pathological combination of over-whelming egotism and self-loathing. Oh my god. That’s what was wrong with Howard Cosell and that pain-in-the-ass J.Lo type woman from my “Since you asked” of June 8th.

They all have the amazing ability to earnestly believe the entire world is sitting in judgment against them while, amazingly, at the same time, they think that everyone in the world is utterly worthless. It is a combination so horrible that it can only be dealt with through avoidance.

The problem with Moore - and other filmmaker’s whose egos get that huge - is that he earnestly believes his opinion is far more important than the actual truth. Take Oliver Stone’s “Nixon.” Nobody disliked Nixon more than I did, but Stone’s hack job was criminal. “Nixon” was so unfair, so bad, it almost did the near impossible: make Nixon look sympathetic.

That’s what Moore is doing. His vicious, blind-rage, ego-fueled attacks blow his credibility and, ironically, give sympathy to the film subjects he so desperately wants to smear. There are some of us who really want to know what was going on September 11th, instead of a slanted personality attack. Why did Moore leave out the "coalition of the willing" England, Spain, Italy, and Poland? Why is everyone, including Bin Laden's family and the Saudis, denying special plane priviliges?

Plus, I mean, look at the guy. I was a staunch defender against bullies growing up, as I saw how bad my poor overly-picked-on brother had it, but, really, don’t you just want to stick Michael Moore’s head in a toilet and flush? Yes you do.

(Polite applause)

Monday, June 21, 2004

This just in:
More revelations from Bill Clinton’s book “My Life.” Remember what Clinton did to Monica Lewinski’s blue dress? Bill liked to call that process: Clintonizing.

Tiger, Phil Knight here, uh, could you please shut up?
Tiger Woods complained about the course conditions at the U.S. Open, And, after whining about playing golf for money on a beautiful course, Tiger then generated even more fan sympathy by bravely making the hard trek home in his private jet to boldly spend the night with his Swedish bikini model bride.

With the decline of Tiger Woods’ play and the rise of Phil Mickelson’s popularity, Nike had to officially proclaim that Tiger Mania has been downgraded to Tiger Just-plain-silliness.

We got your back, dogizzles and Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Daddy day

*Did you have a good father’s day? Or as the newly pregnant Jennifer Lopez’s husband Marc Anthony calls it; “I Suppose I’m the Father Day.”

How the mighty have sunk
*Three British ships were captured by Iran. How humiliating for the once great British Navy to be captured by Iran? Iran doesn’t have a navy, just a couple of camels wearing water wings.

U.S. Open mike
*It seemed that every other commercial during the U.S. Open at Shinnicock was for Levitra, which I thought was odd because isn’t Levitra supposed to cure Shinnicock?

With the thick rough and high winds at the U.S. Open at Shinnicock, players had worse lies than Bill Clinton’s; “I did not have sex with that woman.”

South African golfer, Retief Goosen won the U.S. Open. Incidentally, Retief is an old Dutch word that, roughly translated, means; “Get a personality.”

At the U.S. Open, it is clear that Phil Mickelson has clearly passed Tiger Woods as the fans favorite. Hey Tiger, how’s that Snarling-at-the-gallery-if-they-dare-to-breathe thing working out for you?

Tiger Woods has not won in the last nine majors. It just goes to show, although playing golf for money is fun, it just ain’t quite as fun as going home to a new Swedish bikini model bride.

Don’t look for Tiger’s golf game to improve until his marriage gets into the “Let’s watch Leno instead” phase.

What does a guy gotta do?
*According to an Internet poll conducted in Britain, the dishonor of sports all-time bad boy belongs to former English soccer star George Best, who got 24% of the vote to beat out O.J. Simpson’s 21%. O.J. has to be wondering, man, who do I gotta kill to be number one?

French Fries have their own lobby?
*Under pressure from the French Fry lobby, the U.S. Department of Agriculture has proclaimed frozen battered French Fries a fresh vegetable. This also just in, the U.S. Department of Agriculture thinks we are all really, really stupid.

Material Moyle
*Madonna announced she wants to be known by her Kaballah name, Esther. And be sure to look for Madonna’s next album under her name Esther. It’s titled: “Wear a Sweater So You Shouldn’t Catch a Cold.”

Log on at your own risk
*A 19-year-old British student, David Varty, is auctioning his virginity off on the Internet. You can log on – so to speak – at www. Nice try,

That explains it
*Diana Ross will hold a free concert in Connecticut. It wasn’t supposed to be free, Diana just got drunk and forgot to charge admission.

Since you asked:
Well it’s official. My daughter is playing organized soccer. Today we shipped her off to a local soccer camp. (Mia Hamm, say adios to your records, babe) This also means, unfortunately, that in about three or five years, I will be serving serious time for striking an annoyingly rude Carmel Valley soccer mom. You remember the infamous killer Hockey Dad? I will be Soccer Dad.

A Little Bit Bad Editorial update:
Whether or not you like this blog and my jokes, you grudgingly have to give me “props,” as the kids say, for not caving in to corporate greed and relenting to the economic pressure that comes from having sponsors and or investors. It has been my goal to keep the material topical and original the entire time maintaining an ironic juxtaposition of old fashioned simplicity – just text – in the format of an online web log.

In all candor, some of the credit for not yielding to greed and over-technicality on this site is partially due to the fact that nobody has ever offered me a dime and that I am too lazy to learn how to add any of those high-tech features.

(Polite applause)

Having said that, I think it’s time we added a new feature to “A Little Bit Bad.” It’s a little thing I like to call, the joke that nobody liked but me. (Wait, we thought that’s what this whole thing was in the first place?) No, seriously (We are being serious, Alex) I mean the one specific joke that cracked me up that nobody else, I submitted it to, liked. (Good luck narrowing that down, pal)

And now, without further ado, here is:
The joke that nobody but me liked:
*Steroid-rumor embattled sprinter Marion Jones called a press conference to deny ever using any performance enhancing drugs. Jones insists she has never, ever, used steroids and anyone who says she has can kiss her damn testicles.

Oh come on, that's funny.