Tuesday, June 22, 2004

This just in:
Britney Spears’ mom accidentally hit a photographer with her car after she and Britney bought two puppies at a pet store. He’s OK. When I first saw the story about Britney and her two puppies, I thought it was going to be about her breasts.

This just in:

A Northwest Airlines flight landed at the wrong airport in South Dakota. It landed at an Air Force base miles away. That will teach Northwest to let the C.I.A. create their flight plans.

The pilot was shocked. So shocked, in fact, it cured him of his drunken hiccups.

Oh, that is just flat fly’r than a mofizzle, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

*Michael Moore continues to fight the R rating for his film “Fahrenheit 9/11.” More bad news for Michael Moore, today travelers voted Moore; “The Man You’d Least Want to Follow in The Airplane Bathroom.”

*Man, Michael Moore sure is in the news a lot. He’s in the news so much, to make sure she continues to get her share of free publicity, Jennifer Lopez is thinking of marrying Moore next.

Bill Fever, catch it
*With his new book “My Life” and T.V. appearances and his book tour, the press reports that New York has Bill Clinton fever. Don’t worry, if you do get Bill Clinton fever, a shot of penicillin will clear it right up.

On second thought, it is better to catch Bill Clinton fever than it is to catch a lot of other things from Bill Clinton.

Not since then
*After the tough conditions at Shinnecock for the U.S. Open, the players complained bitterly that the course was unfair. I haven’t seen golfers this mad since they stopped making plaid polyester pants.

*A study conducted by Canadian researchers has revealed that dogs can sense when a child is about to have an epileptic fit. That’s when you know you have a cheap HMO, when, instead of a check-up, it sends you to the dog pound.

Ewww, what a lucky man he was
*Ben Affleck won $356,000 in the Commerce Casino’s California State Championship poker tournament. Man, what a lucky guy, he wins a poker tournament and gets out of a Jennifer Lopez marriage all within one year. Only three guys have done that before.

Memories, like the corners of my mind . . .

*Anti-doping officials believe world 100 meters record holder Tim Montgomery took a cocktail of drugs including human growth hormone and EPO, according to the Los Angeles Times. Remember the good ol’ days when track stars were clean and rock stars were on drugs?

Younger than we thought
*A British Medical Journal says, depending on how much, smoking can knock ten-years off of your life. That means Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards is only about twenty-five years old.

Since you asked: (The delivery on this one is a combo Dennis Miller, Dennis Leary and "Scrubs" Dr. Cox, the great, albiet upper-lip-less John C. McGinley)

Trust me on this one, soccer mom gals, I don’t give a rat’s ass who cried on “Oprah” today, it is not worth taking a life, via an auto accident, to tell your fellow soccer mom about it on your drive to your manicurist or personal trainer. Get off the phone and drive.

Since you asked, II:
The authors of the rather nasty-titled book “Micheal Moore is a Big Fat Stupid White Man” say that Moore fits the definition of narcissistic personality disorder which combines a pathological combination of over-whelming egotism and self-loathing. Oh my god. That’s what was wrong with Howard Cosell and that pain-in-the-ass J.Lo type woman from my “Since you asked” of June 8th.

They all have the amazing ability to earnestly believe the entire world is sitting in judgment against them while, amazingly, at the same time, they think that everyone in the world is utterly worthless. It is a combination so horrible that it can only be dealt with through avoidance.

The problem with Moore - and other filmmaker’s whose egos get that huge - is that he earnestly believes his opinion is far more important than the actual truth. Take Oliver Stone’s “Nixon.” Nobody disliked Nixon more than I did, but Stone’s hack job was criminal. “Nixon” was so unfair, so bad, it almost did the near impossible: make Nixon look sympathetic.

That’s what Moore is doing. His vicious, blind-rage, ego-fueled attacks blow his credibility and, ironically, give sympathy to the film subjects he so desperately wants to smear. There are some of us who really want to know what was going on September 11th, instead of a slanted personality attack. Why did Moore leave out the "coalition of the willing" England, Spain, Italy, and Poland? Why is everyone, including Bin Laden's family and the Saudis, denying special plane priviliges?

Plus, I mean, look at the guy. I was a staunch defender against bullies growing up, as I saw how bad my poor overly-picked-on brother had it, but, really, don’t you just want to stick Michael Moore’s head in a toilet and flush? Yes you do.

(Polite applause)