Monday, June 21, 2004

We got your back, dogizzles and Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Daddy day

*Did you have a good father’s day? Or as the newly pregnant Jennifer Lopez’s husband Marc Anthony calls it; “I Suppose I’m the Father Day.”

How the mighty have sunk
*Three British ships were captured by Iran. How humiliating for the once great British Navy to be captured by Iran? Iran doesn’t have a navy, just a couple of camels wearing water wings.

U.S. Open mike
*It seemed that every other commercial during the U.S. Open at Shinnicock was for Levitra, which I thought was odd because isn’t Levitra supposed to cure Shinnicock?

With the thick rough and high winds at the U.S. Open at Shinnicock, players had worse lies than Bill Clinton’s; “I did not have sex with that woman.”

South African golfer, Retief Goosen won the U.S. Open. Incidentally, Retief is an old Dutch word that, roughly translated, means; “Get a personality.”

At the U.S. Open, it is clear that Phil Mickelson has clearly passed Tiger Woods as the fans favorite. Hey Tiger, how’s that Snarling-at-the-gallery-if-they-dare-to-breathe thing working out for you?

Tiger Woods has not won in the last nine majors. It just goes to show, although playing golf for money is fun, it just ain’t quite as fun as going home to a new Swedish bikini model bride.

Don’t look for Tiger’s golf game to improve until his marriage gets into the “Let’s watch Leno instead” phase.

What does a guy gotta do?
*According to an Internet poll conducted in Britain, the dishonor of sports all-time bad boy belongs to former English soccer star George Best, who got 24% of the vote to beat out O.J. Simpson’s 21%. O.J. has to be wondering, man, who do I gotta kill to be number one?

French Fries have their own lobby?
*Under pressure from the French Fry lobby, the U.S. Department of Agriculture has proclaimed frozen battered French Fries a fresh vegetable. This also just in, the U.S. Department of Agriculture thinks we are all really, really stupid.

Material Moyle
*Madonna announced she wants to be known by her Kaballah name, Esther. And be sure to look for Madonna’s next album under her name Esther. It’s titled: “Wear a Sweater So You Shouldn’t Catch a Cold.”

Log on at your own risk
*A 19-year-old British student, David Varty, is auctioning his virginity off on the Internet. You can log on – so to speak – at www. Nice try,

That explains it
*Diana Ross will hold a free concert in Connecticut. It wasn’t supposed to be free, Diana just got drunk and forgot to charge admission.

Since you asked:
Well it’s official. My daughter is playing organized soccer. Today we shipped her off to a local soccer camp. (Mia Hamm, say adios to your records, babe) This also means, unfortunately, that in about three or five years, I will be serving serious time for striking an annoyingly rude Carmel Valley soccer mom. You remember the infamous killer Hockey Dad? I will be Soccer Dad.

A Little Bit Bad Editorial update:
Whether or not you like this blog and my jokes, you grudgingly have to give me “props,” as the kids say, for not caving in to corporate greed and relenting to the economic pressure that comes from having sponsors and or investors. It has been my goal to keep the material topical and original the entire time maintaining an ironic juxtaposition of old fashioned simplicity – just text – in the format of an online web log.

In all candor, some of the credit for not yielding to greed and over-technicality on this site is partially due to the fact that nobody has ever offered me a dime and that I am too lazy to learn how to add any of those high-tech features.

(Polite applause)

Having said that, I think it’s time we added a new feature to “A Little Bit Bad.” It’s a little thing I like to call, the joke that nobody liked but me. (Wait, we thought that’s what this whole thing was in the first place?) No, seriously (We are being serious, Alex) I mean the one specific joke that cracked me up that nobody else, I submitted it to, liked. (Good luck narrowing that down, pal)

And now, without further ado, here is:
The joke that nobody but me liked:
*Steroid-rumor embattled sprinter Marion Jones called a press conference to deny ever using any performance enhancing drugs. Jones insists she has never, ever, used steroids and anyone who says she has can kiss her damn testicles.

Oh come on, that's funny.