Saturday, June 26, 2004

This just in:

It was announced that, when he retires from racing, Smarty Jones will stand as a stallion at Three Chimneys Farm in Kentucky. You have no idea what I would give to have my name appear next to the words “will stand as a stallion.”

Three Chimneys Farm. Doesn’t that sound good? Why, as a native of Kentucky, I can right near smell the grits cooking; I can almost hear the soft rustle of the breeze through the willow trees; the lonesome high whinny of the feisty mares and the clink of branch-water ice in a crystal tumbler just before it is lovingly bathed with an aged, smooth and smoky fine Kentucky bourbon.

Oh, wait, I just remembered, I was born in Kentucky, but I was raised outside of Chicago.

Hey, youse guys, I can damn near smell 'da brats grillin' and the hear the screech of 'da El train as 'da Cubs is abouts to knock 'da ever livin' crap outta dose dog-ass White Socks.

(Polite applause)

That reminds me. Do you know the oldest joke in Chicago?

Chicagoan: "Hey, does 'dis bus go to da' Loop?

Wise-ass Chicagoan: "No, it goes: beep beep."

I didn't say it was good, I said it was old.

We so crazy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Oh, that day
*Yesterday was “Take your dog to work” day. That makes today; “Come in on Saturday and clean that stain on the office floor” day.

You gotta go, you gotta go . . .
*It was kind of embarrassing, President Bush misunderstood when he said he would be interviewed about a leak from the White House. Bush said;

“Yeah, there was a White House leak, I was in the rose garden and I had to go, so what’s the big deal?”

Go what myself?
On the Senate floor, Vice President Dick Cheney told democrat Sen. Patrick Leahy of Vermont to “go F*** yourself.” Apparently they were discussing a new birth control act.

Klingon this
In an ugly divorce, Star Trek’s Jeri Ryan said her husband, Jack Ryan, a republican candidate for the Senate, forced her to perform sex acts in front of strangers at sex clubs. Upon hearing this, 10,000 Star Trek fans had to be treated for a sudden asthma attack.

That's how sad Republicans are, finally a Republican gets imbroiled in a juicy sex scandal, and it involves his wife.

You should have heard what Dick Cheney told Jeri Ryan to do.

You know it’s just your foolish pride
Eric Clapton raised about $7.5 million auctioning his guitars for charity. In a related story, the brothers in the band Hansen hocked their guitars at a pawnshop for $20.

Playing big
Have you heard this rumor Shaq may go to the Dallas Mavericks? You thought Shaq was a force in the post before, just wait to see how big he is with cowboy boots and a ten-gallon hat.

Spanish lesson
Earlier this week, Ralph Nader named his running mate. It’s Green Party activist Peter Camejo. Camejo is Spanish for: Who cares?

Since you asked:
Getting some feedback on the dog-naming Since you asked:

What have I learned? We Americans are sensitive about, well, everything, but especially our pets.

Cat owners, sorry about the "who cares what you name a cat?" thing. The name of your pet is important, even if it is a worthless, capable-of-nothing-yet-somehow-still-gets-credit-for-being-aloof cat.

And dog owners who have named their dogs, what I insensitively called, dorky names, like Socks, Frisky, Sasha, Fluffy, Puffy, Missy, (Pukey) I also apologize. If you want to give your pet an annoying name, that is your right. Just, please, don't do it to a dog that is over ten pounds, i.e., an actual real dog and not some fuzzy fashion accessory that yips.

There, I hope that I made everyone happy.

I'll get to snake owners later.

P.S. How cool is Eric Clapton? The guy has been making - not just great - but the best music around for, oh, I don't know, how about ALL OF MY LIFE and the guy is still so cool. I consider Eric Clapton and his music to be one of the real benefits of being alive at this time. Along with T.V. remotes, garage door openers and spell check. If I'm leaving anything out, let me know. Especially you cat owners.