Wednesday, June 23, 2004

You want you some of this right here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

Oops, I did it again
*In L.A. Britney Spears’ mom accidentally hit a photographer with her car after Britney bought two puppies. When I first heard Britney bought two puppies I thought, didn’t she already have her breasts done?

Couch this topic
*More interesting facts are coming out of Bill Clinton’s ‘My Life.” After he told Hillary about his affair with Monica Lewinski, Clinton slept on the couch. Yeah, her full name was Susan Couch.

But it’s worth it
*Bill Clinton’s book tour is in full swing. If you show up early and buy his book, Clinton will sign it for free. And, ladies, for an extra charge, he’ll even stain your dress.

Go for it
*This summer for vacation, here is a fun idea: just take off without any travel plans or cares where you end up. Just pack a bag and book a flight on Northwest Airlines.

A Northwest Airlines flight landed at the wrong airport in South Dakota. It landed at an Air Force base miles away. This marks the first time that, when an airline lost the luggage, they lost the plane with it.

The other pilots are not going to let this guy live this down;

“Hey, there’s Captain Wrong Way. Did you end up at the right house last night?”

The worst part? Northwest Airlines charged the passengers an extra sight-seeing fee.

And finally
*Friday is take your dog to work day. Unless you work at a Korean Deli, then you may want to leave it at home.

Since you asked;
On the list of things that would be different if I was president, right after I got rid of the designated hitter, Astroturf, Zima, hard-to-open packages - especially CD cases – the movie announcer with the ten-pack-a-day voice, public cell-phone yammering in front of a captive audience, low-fat mayonnaise and lawn gnomes, I would outlaw parents letting their children name their dog.

When it comes to a cat, who cares? But a dog, especially really good dogs, like Labradors, deserve a cute, yet dignified name that acknowledges their great hunting history. Yesterday, I had the fortune to see a really cute yellow lab puppy. Then I had the misfortune to find out it’s name was Mister Woofers. The man informed me of this in the most hang-dogged, humiliated fashion and then dejectedly added what didn’t need to be said:

“The kids named the dog.”

Even the dog was ashamed. Do your kids pay the mortgage? Did they pay for the dog? Then don’t let them name the damn dog.

Folks, before you name a dog, stand outside your front door and repeatedly yell the name. If you aren’t humiliated, you can now name your dog that. Our dogs are Wrigley and Kasey. Kasey after my lifelong nickname (No, it wasn’t d*ckhead) and Wrigley after the great Cubs field. Other good Labrador names are Sidney, Sayers, Jordan, Higgins, Madison (Maddy) Ernie, Henry, Annie, Lucy, Trudy and Sophie.

You have to give a dog a person’s name, not a stupid, made up name. But since people are now even Tegan’ing and Amberosa’ing their own kids, I can’t stop them from hanging a dorky name on their dog. Dorky names are Bailey for a yellow lab, or Cocoa and the endless-as-they-are-annoying chocolate derivations for a chocolate lab.

Always wait until you see the dog before you give them a name. Wrigley looked like a Wrigley from the first time we saw him. We sat on the floor as eight, six-week-old yellow lab puppies wiggled to and fro, then Wrigley wiggled up and sat in my lap.

As I have mentioned, Wrigley looks like he should be wearing a bow tie, not in an intellectual way, more in a Forrest Gump kind of way. Kasey is Inspector Kasey. She has a permanent look of troubled concern on her, furry, furrowed brow. Kasey always looks like she is about to ask "Are you sure you won't forget to feed me today?" Wrigley always looks like he is asking; “Huh?”

So the next time I see a noble beast with a name like Puddles, or Bowow, or Fuzzy, or Bella, or Luna, or Bunny or especially, Mister Woofers, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Ruckus is OK, though.