Saturday, May 01, 2004

Yo, yo, yo, check it, this native son got to get his Kentucky Derby on up in here today, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

The Derby is a truly magical moment. Reminds me of my beloved Fourth of July races on the Village Green in Winnetka, Illinois. And not just beloved because I used to win most of them. (Stretch, long inhale, tooth-suck, groan, exhale into chuckle-of-confidence)

It's as if I can smell the dewey freshly mown grass and the hint of cotton candy and hear the perfectly slightly off-key brass band. It almost brings back the before-race butterflies. The thinking usually went something like;

"If I can win again this year, and pin that red, white and blue ribbon with the gold-shield medal to my chest one more time, maybe Karen Dean will finally fall hopelessly in love with me. Yep, this is the summer."

The Derby and the Winnetka Fourth of July races are both at once purely American and the purest essence of sport wrapped into one.

When they play "My Old Kentucky Home" somewhere my Mother will be crying and my Dad will be saying; "Oh, Ann . . ."

Ogle the Google
Google's stock is now trading. They asked President Bush if he had ever Googled and he said; "Yeah, with Lavoris."

We kid the president. As a true Independent, I would do more jokes about John Kerry but the guy just ain't all that funny. Once you do the "Why the long face?" that's about it for that stiff. Comedy-wise, this guy John Kerry makes Al Gore look like Al Green.

"When times are good or bad, happy or sad . . ."

Since you asked:
When did the terms Muslim Extremists, Muslim Militants, Muslim Radicals, Shiite and Sunni become French for what they really are? Terrorists. Whatever happened to the term: the truth will set you free? We spend our time trying to figure out how not to offend groups that spend their time figuring out how to kill us in horrible ways. We need some folks to find their New York City gear . . . up in here.

(Polite applause)

Yep, another A.C. story. Apologies.
This morgan, I was sent to fetch a bagle for Miss Thing, our five-year-old Ann Caroline. When I got back, apparently she was hungry. She was standing at the door with her hand out and she said:

"Yahoo. Bring the love."

I ask youse, is the knucklehead gene dominant? Apparently.

Good night, drive carefully and tip your cocktail waitresses.

Peace out. (The Sammy Sosa two-finger-double-smooch-heart-tap-and-point)

Friday, April 30, 2004

My mizzy all up in the hizzy for shizzy my nizzy Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
(Don't even ask me. I got no idea what that means)

Popcorn please, hold the butter
*"The National Enquirer" reports Monica Lewinsky wants to get 5 to 10 million dollars for the movie rights to her relationship to Bill Clinton. I don't know what they are going to call the movie about Monica and Bill. "Splash" is already taken.

I think the movie's called "Drill Bill."

(Or "Swill Bill")

A bigger cast
*Monica Lewinsky says she wants Mandy Moore to play her in the movie about her life. Really? Mandy would have to pull a DeNiro in "Raging Bull" and become Mandy "A Lot" Moore.

Who would play Bill Clinton? Well, the porn business is on hold, how about we put a white wig on Ron Jeremy?

*Two guys were arrested in Central Park after having sex in a tree in front of a crowd of hundreds. Why was there a crowd of hundreds watching? Well, it was either that or watch the Mets game, so they didn't really have much choice.

No truth
*In sports news, Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick called a radio station to deny the rumor that he’s gay. Vick said there is no truth to the rumor that he was caught in Central Park in a tree with Mike Piazza.

The rumors all started when Vick was seen at a Pottery Barn with Mike Piazza.

In addition
*Did you hear about the German Shepard in England that had 28 golf balls removed from its stomach? Upon hearing that, Michael Vick called a radio station to deny that he has ever swallowed any balls.

We're so sorry, Uncle al Bert
*Iraqi's are reportedly furious about the Iraqi prisoners who were pictured naked and humiliated. Gosh, sorry, that wasn't very nice. Of course it is a bit nicer than sabotaging them and blowing them up with a frickin' car bomb.

When isn't the Arab world furious at us? They're always furious at us, at least this way we get a good laugh at the goofy-looking guys with bags on their heads.

Or as we refer to that
The show "Friends" is winding down. You know what else, besides the show "Friends," you call six adults who can't make any new friends in ten years? A law firm.

That's a shame
The search engine Google offered it's stock today. The president had an embarrassing moment; when asked what he thought about Google going public, Bush said;

"I thought public google was only legal in Las Vegas?"

Thursday, April 29, 2004

My Mistake

My very good friend and fellow former U.C. Santa Barbara Decathlete, Mark "O'Snickity Snake" (It's a long story) O'Connor, was nice enough to inform me that I misspelled Fallujah. For that I apologize. I hope the fine people of Fallujah can find it in their warm fuzzy hearts to forgive me. I ask them to note, however, that I did not spell it Fallujob, Phillatejoe B , Fellowlubjob, or by the name it will be known soon: Smoking Hole In The Frickin' Dirt . . . ahem, but I did write Fellujah, there just ain't no gettin' around that.

(Polite applause)

Apologies to Judge Roy Bean.
Somebody doing right to line up for a stupid sick smack-down, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

In good hands
*I updated my homeowners insurance. I got that Billy Joel collision policy.

'Tis the season
*In New York, two guys were arrested after having sex in a tree in front of a crowd. Man, is it guys-having-sex-in-trees season in New York already? Where does the time go?

In a couple of days it's guys-sharing-a-relaxing-cigarette-in-a-tree season.

King Lear
*Kobe Bryant flew a Lear jet from his trial in Colorado just in time to lead the Lakers in a big series win over Houston. This courtroom to basketball court commute is starting to confuse Kobe. Last night when he was whistled for a foul, Kobe yelled, "I object your honor."

This courtroom to basketball court commute is starting to confuse Kobe. Last night Kobe got in big trouble when he mistakenly called his wife to deliver him room service.

Or as I refer to Kobe's Colorado to L.A. commute, the love 'em and Lear 'em tour.

That explains it
*K-Mart has signed Martha Stewart for two more years. It's part of K-Mart's new prisoner out-reach employment program.

How does he do that?
*President Bush and vice president Dick Cheney met with the 9-11 panel. It was very impressive, Bush talked for a couple hours and you couldn't see Cheney's lips move once.

I love that trick when Cheney drinks water and Bush keeps talking.

This should do it
*Iraq has a new flag. Yeah, like that was their biggest problem. That's like the Titanic, after hitting the iceberg, announcing they have a new chef.

Relief at last
*People's "50 Most Beautiful" issue is out. Finally a magazine is out that we are positive won't have one single picture of Donald Trump.

Good luck
*Saudi Arabia has declared that they are cracking down on terrorism. That's kind of like Hollywood announcing they they are cutting down on sleazy weasels.

Reality stinks
*Paris Hilton's parents are getting a reality TV show. Why is it that only the super rich people, who don't need the money, like the Hiltons, Trump and Jessica Simpson, have a reality show? Why aren't network executives lining up to produce "Radio Shack Assistant Manager"?

Putting the Jeer in Jeter
As of this writing, New York Yankee shortstop Derek Jeter is mired in a horrible 0-32 slump and is getting boo'd by New Yorkers. Jeter is about five more outs from being fired by Donald Trump.

Since you asked:
To quote John Malkovich from "Being John Malkovich" "I have seen a hell no man should see."

My computer got all gliched-out and I entered that circle of hell inhabited by those sinister and sadistic "technical service" losers. I took my computer into a computer repair store only to have a punked-out computer-techie weasel tell me - three hundred dollars later - that I apparently wasn't able to comprehend why he not only couldn't fix the problem, but why he knocked out the e-mail and the internet access and fax as well. (There is no better feeling than being told by a guy with a neck tatoo that you are stupid)

Luckily, I can still switch into my New York City gear. That's the gear of pissed-off that sends your opponent's thinking past "This guy is a real a-hole" smack dab into; "Holy crap, this guy is crazy." The result of my New York gear? Full refund of $300 and a working - mostly - computer.

When you practically live on your computer, like I do, when it goes down it is an awful feeling. Like that dream where you aren't wearing any pants. It took me a full day to grasp that the entire computer was down.

"I'll just check my e-mail. Oh, I can't. Then I'll jot some notes on Word. Oh, yeah, I still can't. Well, then I'll look up something on the Internet. Oh crap."

I must have walked into my office fifty times only to remember my computer was down. After a day of my computer being down saturated my life to the point I thought everything else was down.

"Hey, look at this, the TV still works. So does the microwave. Oh yeah, I can still drive my car."

Technology. What evil hath we wrought?

(Polite applause)

Got one to go with my stick joke:

I got a buddy's kid who always asks for jokes, so I Google'd me some kid jokes and I found a keeper:

Q:What word is always pronounced wrong?


Wednesday, April 28, 2004

My 'puter is down, so bear with me, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

How hot is it?
Man it's been hot. I'm sweatin' like a militant Mullah in Fellujah.

I was sweatin' like Paris Hilton when her date gets dressed.

This is interesting, did you know what Fellujah means? It's an Arabic word for; "What the hell was that noise?"

My computer crashed yesterday? How bad was it? To give you and idea, my computer went down faster than Paris Hilton after a dinner date.

Reality TV
The parents of Paris Hilton are getting their own reality show. I think it's called; "How to Raise a 'Ho."

Do the math
Despite allegations of adultery, Gillette has signed soccer star David Beckham to a $70 mil endorsement deal. Or as Kobe Bryant calls $70 mil, 17 more girlfriends and diamond rings.

In Germany, to cut down on litter in Berlin, they have trash cans that say thank you when you throw away trash. They also have talking trash cans in Paris, but they say; "Who are you to throw away zee trash? You should throw yourself away you nasty not-good- as-us person."

My computer went down like Paris Hilton after a dinner date, so I couldn't e-mail you this during; "Because I'm Stupid." But I wanted to send one more in long line of examples why I am so stupid I can barely operate the complicated act of breathing.

A few weeks ago, I hopped out of bed early Saturday morning to go to the grocery store and I ran into an old girlfriend and, man, did she look great. Now I am married, and we had had an amiable break up, but you know how it is; you want all your ex's to think; "I must have been nuts to ever let this fine figure of a man go." Well, my ex wasn't acting anything like that. No, in fact, she was acting like something about me offended her and she couldn't wait to get away.

After her hurried and insincere dripping "good to see you," I asked myself, what the hell was her problem? Not to sound vain, but I work out, I was dressed OK. I even gave myself the covert pitt-smell check and breath into the palm sniff. Nope, I smelled fine.

When I got to my car, I checked myself in the rear view mirror and my blood ran cold. To my infinite horror, my mouth was amply caked with dried-up white toothpaste like I was a rabid dog doing a "Got Milk" commercial. Why didn't I check my face before I left the house? BECAUSE I'M STUPID. I swear, I am so stupid I couldn't beat Jessica Simpson in "Jeopardy."

Love your show like Rummy likes to bomb Fellujah,

Tuesday, April 27, 2004

Oh yeah, that's how we do up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

*Bill Clinton's memoirs comes out in June. I think it's called; "It's Last Call, You'll Do."

I think so
*In Key West, a couple was turned away from a gay hotel because they weren't gay. Isn't this the same problem Mary and Joseph had in Bethlehem?

Very similar
*Saudi Arabia has declared that they are cracking down on terrorism. That's kind of like Hollywood announcing they they are cutting down on butt-smoochers.

Good move
*The erectile dysfunction drug Levitra now uses a woman spokesperson in their TV ads. This greatly increases the ad's credibility. You know what you call a guy talking about sex? A liar.

Rough start
*Bear with me. I'm having a rough day. I woke up to the sound of Billy Joel crashing into my house.

In separate accidents, a few months apart, both Rodney King and piano man Billy Joel crashed into houses. Apparently both Joel and King expected the house to swerve first. Here's a safety tip: Don't play chicken with a house.

How do these guys negotiate an economy parking spot if they can't miss a house?

How fast is it?
*IBM and Stanford University said they have established a laboratory to develop new, faster computer chips. Compared to today's chip, with the new faster chip, when you log on to a porn site at work, you can get fired 50% faster than before.

Oh good, now we get spam faster than ever.

This will be handy, guys will be able to log into lesbian chat rooms faster than ever.

Bad week
*The rumor has it that Michael Jackson's lawyer, Mark Geragos, quit the case. It's been a tough week for Michael. In addition, if Jackson drafted him, Eli Manning said he won't play for him.

Scary thought
*Halle Berry is getting divorced from her husband Eric Benet. You know what I would hate to see? Halle hooking up with Billy Joel. That would be one scary couple to have driving around.

Monday, April 26, 2004

You know you are not hip, like me, when you get all your street slang from McDonalds commercials, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

You can check in any time you want . . .
*In Key West, Florida, a straight couple tried to check into a gay hotel but were turned away because they weren’t gay. Gay hotels are a little differant. You check in at the rear.

Well, gay hotels are a little differant. In the rooms, instead of an honor bar they have an on-him bar.

(And now to beat this dead horse)

You now how a regular hotel has room service? Gay hotels have room Sir vice.

You go, girl name
*According to a poll by, the most popular baby names right now are Aidan for boys, and Madison for girls. The least popular names? Hillary for boys and Kobe for girls.

Scary thought
*Did you see the NFL draft? Here's my question: Could ESPN announcer and former troubled Dallas Cowboy Michael Irvin be any louder, more animated and generally annoyingly over-the-top? What was Irvin like when he was on cocaine?

This Irvin guy is so wound-up, he makes Howard Dean look like John Kerry.

Eli's coming
*The New York Giants traded up to get Eli Manning, the younger brother of All Pro Payton Manning. Is that a good idea? How often does the younger of a famous brother excel? I'll give you a two word example: James Christ.

Against all odds, I am sure the younger Eli will do as well as his famous older brother Payton Manning. Why, just look at all those other successful quarterback younger brothers: Kirby Montana, Dewey Elway and Bobby Favre.

Way to go Ahhhnold
*Here in California the porn business has been shut down on a health scare. Our governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, might intervene. Arnold could take a real "hands on" approach to the porn business.

As of this second, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is looking into the porn industry and he's groping for a solution.

No double talk here
*John Kerry was giving a big speech about the environment and a reporter asked him if he owned a SUV and he said, "No I do not.” And then the reporter asked him "What about the Chevy Suburban you're driving?” Kerry said "That’s my wife’s.” Of course it's his wife's. Kerry's wife has all the money, everything is hers.

So, because Kerry's wife owns the SUV, it doesn't pollute? Oh my word. All we have to do is put all our cars in our wive's name and, bam, no more pollution. Kerry is a genius.

Apparently the presidential campaign has decided to go ugly early. How bad is it? Dick Cheney has actually hired Richard Simmons to bitch-slap John Kerry's policies.

Piano man, not so much of a car guy
*Billy Joel crashed his car into a Long Island house yesterday. This is Joel's third car accident in two years. What happens is Billy Joel starts thinking about his music and suddenly he mistakes the accelerator and brake for his piano pedals.

In his third car accident in two years, Joel was only slightly injured. Apparently, when it comes to drivers, only the good die young.

*More fighting in Fellujah in Iraq. Has somebody failed to explain to these morons that a cease fire means both sides have to stop firing, not just us? No free-sies. This isn't dodge ball, OK?

One headline read: "Invasion of restive Fallujah on hold." Apparently, "restive" is a journalistic politically correct term for Psychotic Hell Hole.

*Denzel Washington's "Man on Fire" narrowly beat out "13 To 30," the Jennifer Garner flick. Or as I call Jennifer Garner, "Woman on Fire." That girl is scorchingly hot. Seriously, Jennifer Garner is so gorgeous, she could make Richard Simmons slap himself.

Just to be clear
*Pre-production is underway for a "Three Stooges" movie. Incidentally, the Three Stooges were a famous slapstick comedy team from many years ago. The Three Stooges are not, repeat, not the presidential candidates Bush, Kerry and Ralph Nader.