Somebody doing right to line up for a stupid sick smack-down, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
In good hands
*I updated my homeowners insurance. I got that Billy Joel collision policy.
'Tis the season
*In New York, two guys were arrested after having sex in a tree in front of a crowd. Man, is it guys-having-sex-in-trees season in New York already? Where does the time go?
In a couple of days it's guys-sharing-a-relaxing-cigarette-in-a-tree season.
King Lear
*Kobe Bryant flew a Lear jet from his trial in Colorado just in time to lead the Lakers in a big series win over Houston. This courtroom to basketball court commute is starting to confuse Kobe. Last night when he was whistled for a foul, Kobe yelled, "I object your honor."
This courtroom to basketball court commute is starting to confuse Kobe. Last night Kobe got in big trouble when he mistakenly called his wife to deliver him room service.
Or as I refer to Kobe's Colorado to L.A. commute, the love 'em and Lear 'em tour.
That explains it
*K-Mart has signed Martha Stewart for two more years. It's part of K-Mart's new prisoner out-reach employment program.
How does he do that?
*President Bush and vice president Dick Cheney met with the 9-11 panel. It was very impressive, Bush talked for a couple hours and you couldn't see Cheney's lips move once.
I love that trick when Cheney drinks water and Bush keeps talking.
This should do it
*Iraq has a new flag. Yeah, like that was their biggest problem. That's like the Titanic, after hitting the iceberg, announcing they have a new chef.
Relief at last
*People's "50 Most Beautiful" issue is out. Finally a magazine is out that we are positive won't have one single picture of Donald Trump.
Good luck
*Saudi Arabia has declared that they are cracking down on terrorism. That's kind of like Hollywood announcing they they are cutting down on sleazy weasels.
Reality stinks
*Paris Hilton's parents are getting a reality TV show. Why is it that only the super rich people, who don't need the money, like the Hiltons, Trump and Jessica Simpson, have a reality show? Why aren't network executives lining up to produce "Radio Shack Assistant Manager"?
Putting the Jeer in Jeter
As of this writing, New York Yankee shortstop Derek Jeter is mired in a horrible 0-32 slump and is getting boo'd by New Yorkers. Jeter is about five more outs from being fired by Donald Trump.
Since you asked:
To quote John Malkovich from "Being John Malkovich" "I have seen a hell no man should see."
My computer got all gliched-out and I entered that circle of hell inhabited by those sinister and sadistic "technical service" losers. I took my computer into a computer repair store only to have a punked-out computer-techie weasel tell me - three hundred dollars later - that I apparently wasn't able to comprehend why he not only couldn't fix the problem, but why he knocked out the e-mail and the internet access and fax as well. (There is no better feeling than being told by a guy with a neck tatoo that you are stupid)
Luckily, I can still switch into my New York City gear. That's the gear of pissed-off that sends your opponent's thinking past "This guy is a real a-hole" smack dab into; "Holy crap, this guy is crazy." The result of my New York gear? Full refund of $300 and a working - mostly - computer.
When you practically live on your computer, like I do, when it goes down it is an awful feeling. Like that dream where you aren't wearing any pants. It took me a full day to grasp that the entire computer was down.
"I'll just check my e-mail. Oh, I can't. Then I'll jot some notes on Word. Oh, yeah, I still can't. Well, then I'll look up something on the Internet. Oh crap."
I must have walked into my office fifty times only to remember my computer was down. After a day of my computer being down saturated my life to the point I thought everything else was down.
"Hey, look at this, the TV still works. So does the microwave. Oh yeah, I can still drive my car."
Technology. What evil hath we wrought?
(Polite applause)
Got one to go with my stick joke:
I got a buddy's kid who always asks for jokes, so I Google'd me some kid jokes and I found a keeper:
Q:What word is always pronounced wrong?
A:Wrong.
In good hands
*I updated my homeowners insurance. I got that Billy Joel collision policy.
'Tis the season
*In New York, two guys were arrested after having sex in a tree in front of a crowd. Man, is it guys-having-sex-in-trees season in New York already? Where does the time go?
In a couple of days it's guys-sharing-a-relaxing-cigarette-in-a-tree season.
King Lear
*Kobe Bryant flew a Lear jet from his trial in Colorado just in time to lead the Lakers in a big series win over Houston. This courtroom to basketball court commute is starting to confuse Kobe. Last night when he was whistled for a foul, Kobe yelled, "I object your honor."
This courtroom to basketball court commute is starting to confuse Kobe. Last night Kobe got in big trouble when he mistakenly called his wife to deliver him room service.
Or as I refer to Kobe's Colorado to L.A. commute, the love 'em and Lear 'em tour.
That explains it
*K-Mart has signed Martha Stewart for two more years. It's part of K-Mart's new prisoner out-reach employment program.
How does he do that?
*President Bush and vice president Dick Cheney met with the 9-11 panel. It was very impressive, Bush talked for a couple hours and you couldn't see Cheney's lips move once.
I love that trick when Cheney drinks water and Bush keeps talking.
This should do it
*Iraq has a new flag. Yeah, like that was their biggest problem. That's like the Titanic, after hitting the iceberg, announcing they have a new chef.
Relief at last
*People's "50 Most Beautiful" issue is out. Finally a magazine is out that we are positive won't have one single picture of Donald Trump.
Good luck
*Saudi Arabia has declared that they are cracking down on terrorism. That's kind of like Hollywood announcing they they are cutting down on sleazy weasels.
Reality stinks
*Paris Hilton's parents are getting a reality TV show. Why is it that only the super rich people, who don't need the money, like the Hiltons, Trump and Jessica Simpson, have a reality show? Why aren't network executives lining up to produce "Radio Shack Assistant Manager"?
Putting the Jeer in Jeter
As of this writing, New York Yankee shortstop Derek Jeter is mired in a horrible 0-32 slump and is getting boo'd by New Yorkers. Jeter is about five more outs from being fired by Donald Trump.
Since you asked:
To quote John Malkovich from "Being John Malkovich" "I have seen a hell no man should see."
My computer got all gliched-out and I entered that circle of hell inhabited by those sinister and sadistic "technical service" losers. I took my computer into a computer repair store only to have a punked-out computer-techie weasel tell me - three hundred dollars later - that I apparently wasn't able to comprehend why he not only couldn't fix the problem, but why he knocked out the e-mail and the internet access and fax as well. (There is no better feeling than being told by a guy with a neck tatoo that you are stupid)
Luckily, I can still switch into my New York City gear. That's the gear of pissed-off that sends your opponent's thinking past "This guy is a real a-hole" smack dab into; "Holy crap, this guy is crazy." The result of my New York gear? Full refund of $300 and a working - mostly - computer.
When you practically live on your computer, like I do, when it goes down it is an awful feeling. Like that dream where you aren't wearing any pants. It took me a full day to grasp that the entire computer was down.
"I'll just check my e-mail. Oh, I can't. Then I'll jot some notes on Word. Oh, yeah, I still can't. Well, then I'll look up something on the Internet. Oh crap."
I must have walked into my office fifty times only to remember my computer was down. After a day of my computer being down saturated my life to the point I thought everything else was down.
"Hey, look at this, the TV still works. So does the microwave. Oh yeah, I can still drive my car."
Technology. What evil hath we wrought?
(Polite applause)
Got one to go with my stick joke:
I got a buddy's kid who always asks for jokes, so I Google'd me some kid jokes and I found a keeper:
Q:What word is always pronounced wrong?
A:Wrong.
posted by Alex at
12:52 PM
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