Saturday, March 06, 2004

We ain’t frontin’, we marinatin’ in the rizzi wit’ our road dawg up in this here be-yatch, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers
(Near as I can tell I just said, I’m not kidding, we are relaxing in the car with my buddy right here)

Can’t we all just get along?
It got ugly when they announced Martha Stewart’s guilty verdict. Angry suburban soccer Moms rioted: Starbucks latte’s were deliberately spilled, Luxury SUV’s were blatantly parked in school “Drop off only” zones, and coupons were used in the “No Coupons” grocery line.

She learned her lesson and that’s a good thing
*Martha Stewart was convicted of obstruction of justice and lying to investigators about her sale of a biotech stock. Martha’s only wished they could have told her the verdict ahead of time so she could have sold her company shares before they tanked.

From the ‘roid to the void
Now that baseball is embroiled in a full-blown steroid controversy, there are many experts who feel the only solution is zero tolerance: if caught using steroids a player is banned from baseball for life. That’s right, trade them to the Detroit Tigers.

Let’s get real for a change
Can we clear something up right now? When a star high school football stud comes to visit a prospective big-time college, would you show him the study area in the library? The cafeteria with the steamed-to-mush vegetables and dry meat loaf? No, you take him to a keg party with cute co-eds. What a shocker, huh? Would a corporation try and woo an executive by showing him the supply room and the water cooler? No, they show them the corporate spa and the private plane. Why do people have their panties in a twist about this?

Although I am excited about the opening of San Diego’s PETCO Park, it has been tough explaining to my two Labradors, Wrigley and Kasey – one of which is named after the Cubs field – that pets are not, in fact, welcomed at PETCO Park. (You should see the sad looks on their faces when I explain it to them. It would break your heart)

Oh sure, on August 8th they throw pets a bone and have a PETCO dog day, but that’s it. One stinkin' day. Is that fair to name a place PETCO and not allow pets every day? Northwestern University plays in Dyche stadium and they do not ban motorcycling, flannel-shirted, camping lesbians.

Friday, March 05, 2004

We right good like that up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Good idea, Billy
*According to a University of Louisville study, women are instinctively attracted to married men. Upon hearing this, Bill Clinton said, “Hmm, maybe I should get married.”

Remember, this study took place in Kentucky, so that also includes married family members.

(We kid Kentucky. I was born in Louisville for crying-out-loud).

Fly the friendly shake-down skies
*Have you flown lately? They charge for every little service. On my last trip, when I went to the bathroom, they charged me $100 for a therapy session on overcoming claustrophobia.

Good fit
*The San Francisco Forty Niners traded talented but psycho primma donna receiver Terrell Owens to the Baltimore Ravens. This is a good fit. Now Owens can be labeled a Raven lunatic.

Supersize this here
*McDonald’s announced they’re phasing out supersizing drinks, fries, and burgers. They’re going to drop the supersizing all together. Except for their customer’s butts, McDonald’s is still going to supersize those.

Not good at all
*Things are not looking good for Disney’s Michael Eisner. Today he ordered his underlings to build him a spider hole.

What Would Jesus Net?
*The success of “The Passion of Christ” has Hollywood buzzing. Hundreds of actors have already asked their agents to get them an audition for the sequel.

*Everybody is talking about Jesus these days. Today Hollywood nominated Jesus as; “The Comeback Artist of the Year.”

Since you asked:
I could feel worse. I mean, could have thrown myself down the stairs, taken a rat-tailed file to my sinuses and inhale - not drink - but inhale down the trachea, a huge bowl of extra spicy Cajun gumbo to simulate the burning congestion in my chest thanks to this cold.

Compared to the flu we all had at Christmas time, a cold is a walk in the park. But that walk in the park includes a windy downpour, a pit bull attack and a severe mugging. What I am trying to say is that colds suck. Got that thing going where I can’t seem to get my face to fit right on my skull, no matter how much I push it around.

Inside the actor’s studious B.S.
Is anyone else really tired of these self-serving, totally fake actor interviews proceeding a movie release? There is always the inevitable question, “What was Mr. Big-shot like to work with?” You never, ever, hear anything worse than:

“He was great. He is highly talented. He is a real professional. He is an extremely generous actor. As an artist, he is very creative with his choices.”

Let’s break this Hollywood butt-smooching drivel into real language, shall we?

“He was great.” This means, this guy is a vindictive jerk, and if this movie is a hit, I need the check for the sequel, so I can’t say a word that he can use against me to keep me from getting the part, I don’t care how much I despise the little weasel.”

He is deeply talented. He makes a lot more money than I do.

“He is a very professional.” This means the person was a demanding, intolerant primma donna who abused their star power on the set to get their way on everything. Barbra Stiesand has frequently been described as “very professional.” Enough said.

“He is an extremely generous actor.” The lazy slob didn’t even bother to read the script. Most days he was too busy trying to get rid of his crazed drug, booze and hooker induced hangover to even have a clue what we were doing.

“As an artist, he is very creative with his choices.” This means that this moron could not act their way into a Seven Eleven. I’m not sure where he keeps his pictures of the studio president doing it with a goat, but that can be the only explanation for his being on this movie.”

Now I am worried
Remember how off-the-charts corny Mentos “The Fresh Maker” commercials were? They were the one constant in the entertainment world; Mentos commercials were always the stupidest and sappiest thing you could see on television. And I am including Screech and “Saved by the Bell.”

The subject of the Mentos ad generally found themselves in a contrived jam and with the aide of Mentos and some incredibly hokey “quick thinking” they pulled out of it ending with a cheesy smile and a flash of the Mentos package. (Like the guy who can’t get across the street due to a traffic jam, and by breaking and entering cars illegally, he makes friends as he makes his way across to the other side).

Well, I just saw a Mentos commercial and, Lord help me, I actually thought it was funny. This means one of two thing: Mentos has improved their ads dramatically, or, heaven forbid, I am at the age where I now think corny things are cute. Remember how your grandparents thought Lawrence Welk was amazingly talented and charming? Remember Bob Hope dressed up as Elvis? One word: Matlock.

Let’s hope I haven’t turned some ugly corner.

Let’s snatch ‘em up bald-headed and then flat-bust ‘em ‘cause they be bald, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Um, Bill . . .
*According to a University of Louisville study, women are instinctively attracted to married men. Upon hearing this, Bill Clinton said, “Boy, I sure wish I was married.”

Something especially cheap in the air
*Have you flown lately? They charge for every little service. On my last trip, when the flight attendant hit me in the knee with the beverage cart, she charged me $20 for a leg massage.

So take that
*The creators of the viruses “Net Sky,” “Bagle” and “Mydoom” are bickering. It is getting ugly. As the old saying goes, hell hath no fury like a 24-year-old virgin nerd living at home.

The virus authors are trading insults like; “You got beat up more in school than I did.” “My bedroom in my parent’s house is bigger than yours.” And; “You’re more of a virgin than I am.”

*Mike Tyson avoided jail in New York by pleading guilty to disorderly conduct and agreeing to 100 hours of community service. Exactly what service could Tyson provide a community? Besides, of course, Iron Mike’s expert advice on effective anger management techniques.

Can you imagine Mike Tyson leading an anger management seminar? (High pitched) “If someone makeshh you mad, go to your happy placcce. If that doesn’t work, bite his ear off.”

The best service Mike Tyson could provide a community is to leave and go to another community.

Saw this coming, so to speak
*Competing in the Women’s Australian Open, Mianne Bagger is the first transsexual to play in a pro golf tournament. It isn’t easy for her. She starts every game down two balls.

It hasn’t been easy for Mianne. She can no longer tell her favorite golf joke; “The only two good balls I ever hit was when I stepped on a rake.”

A close one
*NBA Star Chris Webber’s college - and maybe his high school team- have to forfeit games because he took money. Chris Webber also voted in the 2000 Presidential election. President Bush should have to forfeit his victory. But, luckily for Bush, he didn’t actually win the election.

Wednesday, March 03, 2004

I best be quiet ‘cause I’m cold busted, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Who knew?
*Did you see those shots of John Kerry throwing a football on the Atlanta tarmac? And I didn’t even know Kerry was taking Levitra.

Progress, my friend
*Here’s a milestone in New York. The subway is no longer accepting tokens. It’s very high tech. Now you have to show a magnetic card before you can urinate on the platform.

Goggles and knee pads sold separately
*In Arkansas the Clinton Presidential Museum has opened up. Visitors really enjoy the Monica Lewinski splash ride.

Two strikes
*John Edwards continues to claim there are two Americas. So I guess that makes Edwards a two-time loser.

She screams the blues
*Britney Spears launched her Onyx Hotel tour in San Diego where she reportedly sang a bluesy version of “Oops, I Did it Again.” And when I think of the blues, of course a 23-year-old prancing perky blonde billionaire springs to mind.

Britney plans to sing more blues songs: There's the “No Crystal Champagne in the Limo” blues. The “Wilted Dressing Room Roses” blues and the “My Personal Trainer is Mean” blues.

Paging Dennis Miller
*Sacramento Kings owner Joe Maloof won a $1-million US blackjack tournament near San Diego. Maloof is a young billionaire who has dated Paris Hilton and Britney Spears. He needed to win that tournament like “The Lord of the Rings” needs to win the Sheboygan film festival.

How ugly is it?
*It’s getting ugly at Disney. Walt Disney’s descendents want CEO Michael Eisner voted out. How ugly is it? Not only is Disneyland no longer the happiest place on earth, but even Baghdad is a tad happier.

Above suspicion
*When asked about “The San Francisco Chronicle” report that he received steroids, a cranky Barry Bonds snapped; “Get out of my locker.” And if there is anything that will support Bonds steroid innocence it’s a seemingly chemical induced flash of anger.

After that flash of rage, Bonds then got a bigger baseball hat for his rapidly growing skull and a bigger bat for his grotesquely huge upper body. But no, I am fairly certain Bonds isn’t on steroids.

Would a Rose of any other name smell as cheesy?
*Pete Rose will be inducted into the World Wrestling Entertainment’s Hall of Fame. Rose says he really likes professional wrestling because it’s easier to bet on a sport that’s fixed.

Sadly, Pete Rose was turned down by the Canadian Baseball Hall of Fame. This was upsetting to Rose because he likes Canada. In Canada, when he bets, he only loses .60 cents on the dollar.

It’s uncanny
Since coming under scrutiny for steroid use, the New York Yankees Jason Giambi has apparently lost a lot of bulk. How much bulk? If you stand close enough to Giambi, you can actually hear the air escaping from his muscles.

This is wrong
Oregon is the latest state to issue gay marriage licenses, the majority of which are going to lesbian couples. Especially in the Oregon town of Beaverton.

Since you asked:
Who is the greatest sports figure of all time? Michael Jordan? Wayne Gretzky? Joe Montana? Babe Ruth?


“Oh,” you say, “so by sports figure, you mean coaches included? OK, how about John Wooden? Vince Lombardi?


How about if you could combine the greatest athlete in a sport also with the greatest coach of that very same sport? That leaves only one person: Wrestler Dan Gable. Undefeated through high school and college, Gable went on to win a gold medal in Munich, and then he coached Iowa to 15 NCAA titles.

Tuesday, March 02, 2004

You better recognize that vote thang, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

We can’t even get to the dangling chad
There are reports of the new touch-screen voting machines being down all over California. Even Florida gives their voters the chance to mess up their own vote, we can’t even do that.

Hurray for Hollyweird
You can really tell the Oscar parties are over. Today they were finally able to kick Michael Moore out of the free buffet.

Today even the Oscar limos used by Tara Reid, Diana Ross and Nick Nolte were finally wet vacuumed and shampooed clean.

I mean to tell you
*The “Lord of the Rings “ creator Peter Jackson had a big night at the Oscars. Have you seen this guy? He has a big night every night. Have you heard of the South Beach diet? Jackson is on the South Beached Whale diet.

Coming soon to a theater near you
*The formula for winning the best actress award is to ugly-up a hot babe. Hillary Swank looked like a guy and won, Nicole Kidman got a big nose and won. This year Charlize Theron got scary for “Monster” and won. Next year, look for Angelina Jolie in “The Janet Reno Story.”

Sorry seems to be the appropriate word
*Democratic long shot Dennis Kucinich said he will not quit the race. Kucinich is the political equivalent of Christmas lights left up at Easter.

How much of a long shot is Kucinich? Let’s put it this way, “Gigli” had a better chance to win the Oscar for best picture.

*Democratic long shot Dennis Kucinich said he will not quit the race. Dennis Kucinich is like a guy asking a girl for a date as she walks down the aisle of her wedding. Take a hint, Pal.

Paging Dr. Dean
The medical journal “Circulation” reported that men who throw temper tantrums have a higher risk of developing an irregular heartbeat that can lead to sudden death. Or in the case of Howard Dean’s tantrum, the sudden death of your campaign.

Easy mistake
*According to Oscar reports, several movie stars avoided Joan Rivers on the red carpet. To be fair, after all of her facelifts, several mistook Rivers for “The Lord of the Rings” hobbit Gollum.

He got tired of his Erector Set
“The San Francisco Chronicle” reported that Barry Bonds received steroids and human growth hormone from a lab implicated in a steroid-distribution ring. His defenders claim that, just because Bonds received the drugs, it doesn’t mean he used them. Sure. Maybe Barry is starting a home chemistry set. Yeah, that must be it.

Big trade
The Buccaneers are trying to work a trade sending wide receiver Keyshawn Johnson to Dallas. The trade is Keyshawn for three egomaniacs, two prima donnas, one locker room tumor and a petulant ingrate to be named later.

Since you asked:

Since millions have died for my right to do it, the least I could do is get off my amazingly-taut-for-a-guy-who-isn't-thirty-anymore-butt and vote. For whom did I vote? Can't say. Suffice it that I exercised my right as an Independent.

Monday, March 01, 2004

I got the travelin’ jones up on outta my bones for a while, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

(Had a great trip, but it is good to be back)

Thanks to my Daaaaaaaaaad
*The New Zealand-filmed “Lord of the Rings,” won eleven academy awards. Billy Chrystal said; “It’s official, there is no one left in New Zealand to thank.” He was right, one more award and they would have had to start thanking sheep.

Next in line?
“The Lord of the Rings” creator and director Peter Jackson won best picture and best director. Is it just me or does Jackson look less like a movie creator and more like the guy stocking movies at Blockbuster?

No, not really
*During the Academy Awards, host Billy Chrystal thanked the academy for letting him take a couple years off, kind of like the Texas National Guard. After this, Chrystal was awarded an Oscar for “Lord of the Zings.”

*Last year’s rotund documentary winner Michael Moore was not left out; he won an Oscar for “Lord of the Chicken Wings.”

*The 20-week California grocery strike is finally over. It’s a good thing, now everybody in Hollywood who wasn’t in “The Lord of the Rings” can get their bunch of sour grapes.

*Actress Charlize Theron won for best actress. As well she should. Did you hear her acceptance speech? Charlize did a great Mary Tyler Moore crying impression. “Ohhh, Mr. Grant.”

Matchless play
*Tiger Woods beat Davis Love III to win the in the Accenture Match Play Championship. In fact, it was about the only thing “The Lord of the Rings” didn’t win on Sunday.

No, not really part II
Don’t you wish, that just on Sunday, that Tiger could have switched his Nike balls for Pings? Then he could have been Lord of the Pings.

When did this happen?
*The U.S.’s largest radio chain, Clear Channel has booted the “The Howard Stern Show” for indecency. It was necessary because apparently people who don’t like a radio show have inexplicably forgotten how to turn the channel.

Hate to hear that
*Have you seen Mel Gibson’s “Passion of Christ”? There are some surprises. Did you know Jesus’ younger brother James? He betrayed Jesus to get his room.