Friday, March 05, 2004

We right good like that up in here, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Good idea, Billy
*According to a University of Louisville study, women are instinctively attracted to married men. Upon hearing this, Bill Clinton said, “Hmm, maybe I should get married.”

Remember, this study took place in Kentucky, so that also includes married family members.

(We kid Kentucky. I was born in Louisville for crying-out-loud).

Fly the friendly shake-down skies
*Have you flown lately? They charge for every little service. On my last trip, when I went to the bathroom, they charged me $100 for a therapy session on overcoming claustrophobia.

Good fit
*The San Francisco Forty Niners traded talented but psycho primma donna receiver Terrell Owens to the Baltimore Ravens. This is a good fit. Now Owens can be labeled a Raven lunatic.

Supersize this here
*McDonald’s announced they’re phasing out supersizing drinks, fries, and burgers. They’re going to drop the supersizing all together. Except for their customer’s butts, McDonald’s is still going to supersize those.

Not good at all
*Things are not looking good for Disney’s Michael Eisner. Today he ordered his underlings to build him a spider hole.

What Would Jesus Net?
*The success of “The Passion of Christ” has Hollywood buzzing. Hundreds of actors have already asked their agents to get them an audition for the sequel.

*Everybody is talking about Jesus these days. Today Hollywood nominated Jesus as; “The Comeback Artist of the Year.”

Since you asked:
I could feel worse. I mean, could have thrown myself down the stairs, taken a rat-tailed file to my sinuses and inhale - not drink - but inhale down the trachea, a huge bowl of extra spicy Cajun gumbo to simulate the burning congestion in my chest thanks to this cold.

Compared to the flu we all had at Christmas time, a cold is a walk in the park. But that walk in the park includes a windy downpour, a pit bull attack and a severe mugging. What I am trying to say is that colds suck. Got that thing going where I can’t seem to get my face to fit right on my skull, no matter how much I push it around.

Inside the actor’s studious B.S.
Is anyone else really tired of these self-serving, totally fake actor interviews proceeding a movie release? There is always the inevitable question, “What was Mr. Big-shot like to work with?” You never, ever, hear anything worse than:

“He was great. He is highly talented. He is a real professional. He is an extremely generous actor. As an artist, he is very creative with his choices.”

Let’s break this Hollywood butt-smooching drivel into real language, shall we?

“He was great.” This means, this guy is a vindictive jerk, and if this movie is a hit, I need the check for the sequel, so I can’t say a word that he can use against me to keep me from getting the part, I don’t care how much I despise the little weasel.”

He is deeply talented. He makes a lot more money than I do.

“He is a very professional.” This means the person was a demanding, intolerant primma donna who abused their star power on the set to get their way on everything. Barbra Stiesand has frequently been described as “very professional.” Enough said.

“He is an extremely generous actor.” The lazy slob didn’t even bother to read the script. Most days he was too busy trying to get rid of his crazed drug, booze and hooker induced hangover to even have a clue what we were doing.

“As an artist, he is very creative with his choices.” This means that this moron could not act their way into a Seven Eleven. I’m not sure where he keeps his pictures of the studio president doing it with a goat, but that can be the only explanation for his being on this movie.”

Now I am worried
Remember how off-the-charts corny Mentos “The Fresh Maker” commercials were? They were the one constant in the entertainment world; Mentos commercials were always the stupidest and sappiest thing you could see on television. And I am including Screech and “Saved by the Bell.”

The subject of the Mentos ad generally found themselves in a contrived jam and with the aide of Mentos and some incredibly hokey “quick thinking” they pulled out of it ending with a cheesy smile and a flash of the Mentos package. (Like the guy who can’t get across the street due to a traffic jam, and by breaking and entering cars illegally, he makes friends as he makes his way across to the other side).

Well, I just saw a Mentos commercial and, Lord help me, I actually thought it was funny. This means one of two thing: Mentos has improved their ads dramatically, or, heaven forbid, I am at the age where I now think corny things are cute. Remember how your grandparents thought Lawrence Welk was amazingly talented and charming? Remember Bob Hope dressed up as Elvis? One word: Matlock.

Let’s hope I haven’t turned some ugly corner.