Wednesday, March 03, 2004

I best be quiet ‘cause I’m cold busted, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Who knew?
*Did you see those shots of John Kerry throwing a football on the Atlanta tarmac? And I didn’t even know Kerry was taking Levitra.

Progress, my friend
*Here’s a milestone in New York. The subway is no longer accepting tokens. It’s very high tech. Now you have to show a magnetic card before you can urinate on the platform.

Goggles and knee pads sold separately
*In Arkansas the Clinton Presidential Museum has opened up. Visitors really enjoy the Monica Lewinski splash ride.

Two strikes
*John Edwards continues to claim there are two Americas. So I guess that makes Edwards a two-time loser.

She screams the blues
*Britney Spears launched her Onyx Hotel tour in San Diego where she reportedly sang a bluesy version of “Oops, I Did it Again.” And when I think of the blues, of course a 23-year-old prancing perky blonde billionaire springs to mind.

Britney plans to sing more blues songs: There's the “No Crystal Champagne in the Limo” blues. The “Wilted Dressing Room Roses” blues and the “My Personal Trainer is Mean” blues.

Paging Dennis Miller
*Sacramento Kings owner Joe Maloof won a $1-million US blackjack tournament near San Diego. Maloof is a young billionaire who has dated Paris Hilton and Britney Spears. He needed to win that tournament like “The Lord of the Rings” needs to win the Sheboygan film festival.

How ugly is it?
*It’s getting ugly at Disney. Walt Disney’s descendents want CEO Michael Eisner voted out. How ugly is it? Not only is Disneyland no longer the happiest place on earth, but even Baghdad is a tad happier.

Above suspicion
*When asked about “The San Francisco Chronicle” report that he received steroids, a cranky Barry Bonds snapped; “Get out of my locker.” And if there is anything that will support Bonds steroid innocence it’s a seemingly chemical induced flash of anger.

After that flash of rage, Bonds then got a bigger baseball hat for his rapidly growing skull and a bigger bat for his grotesquely huge upper body. But no, I am fairly certain Bonds isn’t on steroids.

Would a Rose of any other name smell as cheesy?
*Pete Rose will be inducted into the World Wrestling Entertainment’s Hall of Fame. Rose says he really likes professional wrestling because it’s easier to bet on a sport that’s fixed.

Sadly, Pete Rose was turned down by the Canadian Baseball Hall of Fame. This was upsetting to Rose because he likes Canada. In Canada, when he bets, he only loses .60 cents on the dollar.

It’s uncanny
Since coming under scrutiny for steroid use, the New York Yankees Jason Giambi has apparently lost a lot of bulk. How much bulk? If you stand close enough to Giambi, you can actually hear the air escaping from his muscles.

This is wrong
Oregon is the latest state to issue gay marriage licenses, the majority of which are going to lesbian couples. Especially in the Oregon town of Beaverton.

Since you asked:
Who is the greatest sports figure of all time? Michael Jordan? Wayne Gretzky? Joe Montana? Babe Ruth?


“Oh,” you say, “so by sports figure, you mean coaches included? OK, how about John Wooden? Vince Lombardi?


How about if you could combine the greatest athlete in a sport also with the greatest coach of that very same sport? That leaves only one person: Wrestler Dan Gable. Undefeated through high school and college, Gable went on to win a gold medal in Munich, and then he coached Iowa to 15 NCAA titles.