You better recognize that vote thang, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

We can’t even get to the dangling chad
There are reports of the new touch-screen voting machines being down all over California. Even Florida gives their voters the chance to mess up their own vote, we can’t even do that.

Hurray for Hollyweird
You can really tell the Oscar parties are over. Today they were finally able to kick Michael Moore out of the free buffet.

Today even the Oscar limos used by Tara Reid, Diana Ross and Nick Nolte were finally wet vacuumed and shampooed clean.

I mean to tell you
*The “Lord of the Rings “ creator Peter Jackson had a big night at the Oscars. Have you seen this guy? He has a big night every night. Have you heard of the South Beach diet? Jackson is on the South Beached Whale diet.

Coming soon to a theater near you
*The formula for winning the best actress award is to ugly-up a hot babe. Hillary Swank looked like a guy and won, Nicole Kidman got a big nose and won. This year Charlize Theron got scary for “Monster” and won. Next year, look for Angelina Jolie in “The Janet Reno Story.”

Sorry seems to be the appropriate word
*Democratic long shot Dennis Kucinich said he will not quit the race. Kucinich is the political equivalent of Christmas lights left up at Easter.

How much of a long shot is Kucinich? Let’s put it this way, “Gigli” had a better chance to win the Oscar for best picture.

*Democratic long shot Dennis Kucinich said he will not quit the race. Dennis Kucinich is like a guy asking a girl for a date as she walks down the aisle of her wedding. Take a hint, Pal.

Paging Dr. Dean
The medical journal “Circulation” reported that men who throw temper tantrums have a higher risk of developing an irregular heartbeat that can lead to sudden death. Or in the case of Howard Dean’s tantrum, the sudden death of your campaign.

Easy mistake
*According to Oscar reports, several movie stars avoided Joan Rivers on the red carpet. To be fair, after all of her facelifts, several mistook Rivers for “The Lord of the Rings” hobbit Gollum.

He got tired of his Erector Set
“The San Francisco Chronicle” reported that Barry Bonds received steroids and human growth hormone from a lab implicated in a steroid-distribution ring. His defenders claim that, just because Bonds received the drugs, it doesn’t mean he used them. Sure. Maybe Barry is starting a home chemistry set. Yeah, that must be it.

Big trade
The Buccaneers are trying to work a trade sending wide receiver Keyshawn Johnson to Dallas. The trade is Keyshawn for three egomaniacs, two prima donnas, one locker room tumor and a petulant ingrate to be named later.

Since you asked:

Since millions have died for my right to do it, the least I could do is get off my amazingly-taut-for-a-guy-who-isn't-thirty-anymore-butt and vote. For whom did I vote? Can't say. Suffice it that I exercised my right as an Independent.