Saturday, April 26, 2003

Caffeine fueled beautiful Saturday morning rant, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Folks, as you know, this celebrity hullabaloo (That is the first time I have ever written the word hullabaloo, and it was fun. Thank you to the cranky guy and the stupid guy in the Fed Ex commercials) over the self-martyred poor, poor anti-war opined celebrities has taken on a life of its own.

Projected sales for Madonna’s new CD “American Life” are hilariously low. Madonna blames it on an “Un-American” and unfair backlash at her right to exercise free speech. (Uh, Madonna, being allowed to choose or not choose to buy something, is, in fact, kind of American. But nice try, sugar-britches)

Music critics say the projected low sales of Madonna’s CD might be politically motivated, but that it is more likely due to the fact that the music on the CD couldn’t suck more than a Newark crack whore. But blame it on that free speech-thing, yeah, people will buy that.

Heard the poor Dixie Chicks whining on ABC last night to Diane Sawyer. How was it? My opinion that celebrities are not exactly the sharpest political minds in the country did not exactly dissipate. Are the Dixie Chicks cute? Whoa, you bet. Musically talented? Hell yes. Intellectually astute observers of complicated foreign issues? Not so much. (Maines: "We don't like it when people get hurt." Way to go out on a limb, Natalie. While you're being outspoken, why not add you are against the act of hurting puppies?) In fact, when it comes to current affairs, Natalie Maines is in deeper over her head than the Titanic.

Let’s review. The Texas-based Dixie Chicks were performing in London – at the time just before the war, London was a place of decided lack of enthusiasm for President Bush. Maines takes the mike and says;

“Just so you know, we’re ashamed that President Bush is from Texas.”

From there, her statement snowballed into a public relations firestorm, to mix metaphors as well meteorological conditions. All the poor girl was trying to do was shamefully suck-up to the audience. Give her a break. As an alleged comedian, I can certainly relate to the urge to do that. She isn’t a traitor. A brown-nose’r? Yes, but not a traitor.

Friday, April 25, 2003

We got mad crazy-ass skilz, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

If you’ll be my Dixie Chick, I’ll be your Tennessee lamb . . .
The Dixie Chicks appear nude on the cover of “Entertainment Magazine.” They look good, but they didn’t do it to be sexy, they appeared naked because they can no longer afford to buy clothes.

Is anyone else a little tired of this Dixie Chick flap? Natalie Maines said something stupid. Let it go. If saying something stupid was a crime, Anna Nicole Smith would be on death row.

Man, can you believe the Dixie Chicks are still getting hammered with criticism? I must have missed the part where Natalie Maines revealed our troop’s positions.

On the Rivera
Between his old cheesy talk show, Al Capone’s empty vault and lying about reporting from a battle in Afghanistan, we all suspected Geraldo Rivera was kind of a jerk. But how annoying do you have to be to piss-off the entire U.S. military?

As long as Geraldo was reporting on the war Saddam Hussein wasn’t the biggest jerk in Iraq.

You know the guy is a pain. Behind his back, his co-workers call him Geraldhole.

This tears the Pope up
*Controversial “Pope picture ripper” Sinead O’Connor has announced she is retiring from the music business. What a shock. I thought she had already retired.

Next thing you know Debbie Gibson will announce she has retired from the music business.

Don’t you have to be working somewhere in order to retire?

Who cares if Sinead O’Connor retires? Now if Celine Dion, Yanni and John Tesh retired, now that would be good news.

*O.J. Simpson might have a reality television show in the works. When asked if it was true he may host a show, Simpson said; “I may take a stab at it.”

In other words
*President Bush is ready to give a speech to declare the war in Iraq over. Or as our soldiers call Iraq: The Automated Teller Machine.

Goodest Righting
*According to a report by the National Commission on Writing in America's Schools, students finish high school without the ability to write in a sophisticated, precise or engaging fashion. Asked to comment, one Beverly Hills high school student disagreed saying; “Like, that is, like, totally so, whatever.”

That certainly weren't are true my writing. I writery real goodly.

I find it hard to believe that high school students wouldn’t be more verbally adroit, what with the current lyrically literate music influences of Britney Spears, Fifty Cent and Eminem.

Royal Flush
*Customers at the Sky Port diner near Schenectady, NY created a sling for a goldfish after it fell ill and had difficulty swimming. I guess a sling is one way to fix the problem. Personally, I’d have used something else: a toilet.

Thank you, Dave
More information is coming out about Uday, Saddam’s nasty son. Apparently he liked to download porn from the Internet, he drank like a fish, he had a private zoo, and he had pictures of George W. Bush’s twin daughters. As David Letterman would say, it’s like I have a twin . . . “

We all have that Attention Deficit . . . whatever
I swear there is a national epidemic of A.D.D. Did you hear the big news story today? Angelina Jolie got a new tattoo on her back. Yeah. Oh, and stuff happened over in that Iraq place, blah blah.

Thursday, April 24, 2003

You ain’t straight- up front’n me, now are you Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

I said, was it good for you too?
*According to the tabloids, they say Clinton is wearing hearing aids in both ears. He is losing his hearing. If it keeps up, Clinton’s girlfriends will have to learn how to fake their orgasms in sign language.

Stay tuned
*I love the local news ads: “Are you choking to death on food right now? Find out how save your own life, tonight at eleven.”

Now that’s white
*There are albino activists who claim that society is prejudiced against albinos. Trent Lott was especially shocked to discover that someone can actually be too white.

Nobody listens to me
*Retired Gen. Jay Garner is in Iraq to oversee the reconstruction. You want things done? Don’t send Gen. Jay Garner, send “Alias” actress Jennifer Garner. Guys will re-build that place in a week just to try and impress her.

Rock and roll before there were rocks
*The nation’s oldest person passed away: Mary Dorothy Christian. She was 113. She was married in 1907. And guess what? The band that played at her reception was the Rolling Stones.

Screen play
*The Cincinnati Bengals have the first draft pick this weekend. This means that, this weekend, dozens of the nation’s top college football players will be screening their calls: “If it’s the Bengals, I’m not here.”

Not literally
Did you know that the Los Angeles Lakers center Shaquille O’Neal has put on over one hundred pounds since he played in college? Over one hundred pounds. In other words, Shaq is playing with a cheerleader on his shoulders. To which Shawn Kemp asked; “Can I do that?”

Sure thing
The 18-3 New York Yankees starting pitchers are undefeated. The Yankees are starting to look like the surest thing in sports next to NBA players in strip clubs.

A Juicy story
O.J. Simpson might have a reality television show in the works. What’s next? A Scott Peterson show on “The Fishing Channel”?

See that people, let that be a lesson to you, don’t kill your spouse and a stranger unless you’re willing to host a TV show.

What’s next? A reality show featuring Robert Blake taking women out for an Italian dinner? “They’ve just finished dessert, the waiter brought the check and she is really sweating now, folks.”

Since you asked:

A Terrorist Cell . . . Phone

OK, I give up. I can’t take it anymore.

Sure, I admit we live in - and I am a part of - a self-absorbed, and rude, in a frantic “E-mail me because a FAX is too slow” era. But even conceding that, San Diego drivers are officially out-of-hand.

No lie. Yesterday, I was walking across a parking lot to a Carmel Valley, CA super market, hand-in- hand with my four-year-old daughter, when, from around the corner, out of nowhere, came a roaring white mini van. Behind the wheel of the speeding min van was a frantic, 40-ish Soccer Mom who was intently concentrating on her cell phone call. Luckily, we just managed to scamper out of the way right when she slammed on her brakes. Everyone was safe. Barely.

For one split-second afterwards, I caught that woman’s eye. Was she upset or repentant? Hardly. She had the most hideously scary look of angry frustration on her face; she had actually weighed the consequences of running me, and my four-year-old daughter, down like dogs, over being inconvenienced for three seconds.

Lucky for everyone, she ultimately made the right choice and hit the brakes. But it was clear this woman had seriously considered - albeit instantaneously - that mowing-down a man and his child like so much wheat, was a viable consequence for interrupting her phone call for three seconds. This is how terrorists are supposed to think, not nice, little suburban Mommies.

We can’t do anything about all of the crazy, rude and selfish drivers like her, but we can take away their cell phones. Yes, right now, unfortunately, it is legal to drive and talk on the phone. It is also legal to play lead guitar and sing at the same time, but only Eric Clapton and a handful of other can actually do it.

Unless you are checked out to fly the Space Shuttle, you are not talented enough to talk on the phone and operate a vehicle at the same time. Period. Bless her heart, my wife cannot do ANYTHING ELSE when she talks on the phone, let alone guide a two-thousand pound speeding machine. (If I try so much as to interject during one of my wife’s phone conversations, she angrily stomps her foot, waves me off and turns into a frighteningly exact replica of my Mother)

My intention is not to single-out women drivers; we men are just as bad.

When a person, whether a man, woman or that other species known as teenagers, picks up a cell phone while driving, they instantly turn into the equivalent of a drunk driver. (Incidentally, if you talk on a cell phone while driving drunk, you turn into Rodney King.)

Until it is, god willing, illegal to drive and talk on the phone, for the love of all that is right, folks, turn off your cell phones when you drive. The world will, believe it or not, continue to function if you are not on the phone. Trust me, the wheels of progress will not fall off if you are off the communication satellite grid during your commute.

My daughter and I did not deserve to nearly die because Mrs. Judith Crankyhiemer was arguing with her daughter, “Whatever” Jessica, over whether or not Chineese food has too many carbohydrates.

Four words, folks: Hang up and drive.

Wednesday, April 23, 2003

Street-slang question: Is bathroom a shizzle hizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

What about Barry Manilow?
*Rick Santorum, the Senate's third-ranked Republican, is under fire from gay-rights groups and Democrats, says he has ''no problem with homosexuality - I have a problem with homosexual acts.'' He doesn’t like homosexual acts? I guess he’s not a big Siegfried and Roy fan.

*In a surprise move, France backed immediate suspension of U.N. sanctions against Iraq, meeting the United States half way. In fact, if this keeps up, France could become a supportive, respected and crucial ally of the United States. Nah. Just kidding. France still sucks.

Congratulations, it’s not a geezer
*Michael Douglass and Katherine Zeta-Jones had a baby boy. The delivery wasn’t easy: When the contractions hit, Katherine had to push harder than an agent getting Susan Sarandon a movie role.

There was an embarrassing moment in the delivery room when the nurse handed Michael Douglass the baby and said; “Congratulations Grandpa.”

Everyone’s doing fine but there is going to be a lot of diaper changing for a while. And besides Michael Douglass, the baby also needs a lot of attention.

Que Sarandon sara
*Anti-War actress Susan Sarandon’s Sunday CBS movie “Ice Bound” finished dead last and had horrible ratings. Look for Sarandon’s next TV movie; “Kick Saddam’s Butt.”

Asked to comment on the dismal ratings, Sarandon said; “Did I say I was anti-war? No, I meant I am anti-whore, that’s it, I’m against legal prostitution.”

*In a 7-2 loss to the Chicago Cubs, San Diego Padres pitcher Brian Lawrence tied a major league record of hitting three people in one inning. In fact, Lawrence hit more people than a drunken Chicago White Sox fan.

Too bad
*On a sad note, Charles Douglass, the inventor of the laugh track died. He will be missed, especially by the cast of “Friends.”

Since you asked:

Tim Robbins, Susan Sarandon and Madonna have said that it is both tragic and “un-American” that they are being hurt professionally for their anti-war political opinions. Oh, they were real close on that, except that they are horribly wrong on both counts: it is neither a tragedy nor is it un-American.

Since September 11th, we are all in agreement ( or as another celebrity political genius Fred Durst said: in agreeance) of what constitutes a tragedy, and the diminished popularity of a millionaire celebrity doesn't fit the category of tragedy. It doesn't even make it to bummer.

In addition to hilariously over-stating the importance their careers have on our country, apparently those political geniuses Robbins, Sarandon and Madonna, have the words democracy and dictatorship completely reversed:

In Iraq, Saddam Hussein forced people at gunpoint to attend a horrible play he once wrote. In America, we have the freedom to choose to not see performers whom we don't like, for whatever reason we don’t like them.

But Madonna, Robbins and Sarandon should keep trying; as much as they love to vent their opinions to the media, they are bound to eventually be right on something.

I love the smell of self-martyred celebrities* in the morning. It reminds me of . . . arrogant stupidity.

*I almost made the huge mistake of labeling Madonna a movie star. That would be like calling the Iraqi Minister of Information a soothsayer.

Tuesday, April 22, 2003

Take dis one witchew, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Today the Pittsburgh Pirates announced their starting pitcher Josh Fogg is on the disabled list with a strained abdomen muscle. To which the New York Yankees pitcher David Wells asked; “What’s an abdomen muscle?”

Now, I didn't go to do it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Today and Tonight Show
*Jay Leno will be switching jobs with Katie Couric for one day on May 12th. He has one goal and one goal only: to get to the bottom of Matt Lauer’s haircut.

Did you know that Matt Lauer is a great golfer? That explains it: Matt has a greens-keeper mowing his hair.

This will be the first recorded case a comedian getting up early.

Katie Couric was Leno's second choice to switch jobs with: his first was Heidi Klum’s masseuse.

That’s for sure
Did you hear this? They discovered $650 million in cash hidden in a hidden vault behind a wall in Iraq. We don’t know who the money belongs to or if it is real, all we do know is that the hidden vault wasn’t discovered by Geraldo Rivera.

Oui, oui
*Now that we won the Iraq war, the French are wondering how to get back on our good side. You want to get back on our good side, France? Three words, Pierre: Kiss our derriere.

Makes sense
*The Supreme Court said it will reconsider the Miranda warnings. They will replace the familiar; "You have the right to remain silent" with the more practical; “No, you’re not on “Cops.”

Actually, they are changing it to “Get out of the car, Rodney” (Thank you Bryan Crane)

No fun at all
In Modesto, Scott Peterson pleaded not guilty to killing his pregnant wife Laci and their unborn son. Peterson died his hair blonde, but I don’t think that in prison Peterson will find that blondes have more fun.

Peterson was arrested with dyed hair, $10,000 in cash and mere miles from the Mexican border, but he claims he was not planning to escape. Yeah, and O.J. only had that fake beard because he looked so damn good in it.

No, Peterson wasn't trying to escape, he was looking for the real killers with O.J., yeah, that's it.

On the Wild Side
*Tonight will be game seven in the playoffs between the Colorado Avalanche and the Minnesota Wild. Incidentally, if you’re not a big hockey fan, the Minnesota Wild is an expansion team, it is not an unsuccessful Prince movie.

What kind of silly name is Wild for a professional sports team? Was Sassy already taken?

And the winner is . . .
*The top five spots in the Boston marathon all went to Kenyans. In other shocking sports news, the New York Yankees played a baseball game.

I’m starting to think that these Kenyans might make pretty good runners.

Why do they bother to hold men’s marathons? Why not pick three Kenyan names out of a hat and mail them the medals?

What was the name of the Boston Marathon Kenyan winner? I think it was Ibetchya Cantcare.

What was the name of the first American finisher in the Boston Marathon? We’re not sure, he hasn’t finished yet.

(Thanks folks, I’ll be here all weak, err, week. Try the veal)

Since you asked:

Blockbuster Video is evil. I despise Blockbuster Video. As in I have the kind of hate for Blockbuster that the French and the Iraqi people have for us.

In an era of notoriously lousy service personnel - in general the level of customer service seems to be headed in the direction of the Department of Motor Vehicles - Blockbuster has managed to stand out. The employees are snottier than Starbucks coffee jockeys and lazier than information operators (By the way, all information operators do now is push one button on a computer and they still manage to mess that up)

You cannot be hired as a Blockbuster employee unless you are not only snotty, lazy, rude and unmotivated - although all of those qualities help - but a true Blockbuster employee must also be cruel and sadistic toward the paying clients. That's why they always help the people who call first instead of the people who actually go to the trouble of coming in. (That and the Blockbuser employees and the people who call in both belong to some secret society of lazy people)

Ever ask one of the employees at the super market where an item is? They literally drop whatever they are doing and hold your hand and guide you to that item, no matter how much you ask them not to bother. Never in history has a Blockbuster employee ever shifted it's lazy butt from behind the counter to find a video or a DVD.

Sadism can be the only explanation why, when the line for the cashiers is at it's longest, at least one or two of Blockbuster cashiers take a break. Meanness is the only justification for the glee the Blockbuster employee gets in his eyes and voice when telling you of your exorbitant late fee.

Once I had to go out of town suddenly for a death in the family and I left a Blockbuster video in my car. Did the compassionate employees of Blockbuster let the late fee slide when I explained this? They laughed when I asked them to. For all they know it could have been my twin brother who died – it wasn't – and they still would have laughed and said no.

If anyone who works for, or used to work for Blockbuster, is reading this and is offended? Good. Now pay me a twenty dollar late fee, you little snotty dweeb. How does it feel?

Monday, April 21, 2003

The shizeez has done up and hit the fanzeez, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Chico Escuela, how do you say duck in Spanish?
*There was a scary moment during the Chicago Cubs 2-8 loss to the Pittsburgh Pirates. Sammy Sosa was hit in the head by a pitch so hard his helmet broke apart. Sammy will be OK, but at first they were worried that, afterwards, he was talking strange:

Sosa: “I haf to say, deees waz berry, berry scary.”

But then they remembered that’s how Sammy talks normally.

A nice change of pace
*President Bush at the Boeing factory tried his hand at fastening a screw into an engine frame with a power tool. It’s nice to have a president who screws something besides a bimbo.

How many people had a nervous flashback when they heard president and screw in the same sentence?

We is straight mobbin' these here mad crazy jokeizzles, yo, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers


What about the figs?
*Sir Richard Branson announced he wants Virgin Atlantic to be the first airline to establish regular flights again to Baghdad. Of course, to comply with Baghdad’s overwhelmingly Muslim population, they will have to call it 72 Virgin Atlantic.

Visualization is the key
*President Bush at the Boeing factory tried his hand at fastening a screw into an engine frame with a power tool. Bush just pictured the engine as a democrat, then it was easy for him to screw it.

How fast are they?
*Sprinting greats Marion Jones and Tim Montgomery are expecting a baby. Is it too soon to get some money down on this family at their first school picnic race?

*There was an embarrassing moment during the White House Easter Egg hunt this weekend. One of the kids ran up to President Bush and presented a chocolate bunny he found hidden on the lawn. They then informed the child that there were no chocolate bunnies hidden and then they whisked Bush’s dog Barney away.

*There was a scary moment during the Chicago Cubs 2-8 loss to the Pittsburgh Pirates. Sammy Sosa was hit in the head by a pitch so hard his helmet broke apart. Sammy will be OK, but that helmet broke up like a Jennifer Lopez marriage.

In the press conference in the clubhouse afterwards, Sammy said he was fine but he wanted to know what all those reporters were doing in his bedroom.