Tuesday, April 22, 2003

Now, I didn't go to do it, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

Today and Tonight Show
*Jay Leno will be switching jobs with Katie Couric for one day on May 12th. He has one goal and one goal only: to get to the bottom of Matt Lauer’s haircut.

Did you know that Matt Lauer is a great golfer? That explains it: Matt has a greens-keeper mowing his hair.

This will be the first recorded case a comedian getting up early.

Katie Couric was Leno's second choice to switch jobs with: his first was Heidi Klum’s masseuse.

That’s for sure
Did you hear this? They discovered $650 million in cash hidden in a hidden vault behind a wall in Iraq. We don’t know who the money belongs to or if it is real, all we do know is that the hidden vault wasn’t discovered by Geraldo Rivera.

Oui, oui
*Now that we won the Iraq war, the French are wondering how to get back on our good side. You want to get back on our good side, France? Three words, Pierre: Kiss our derriere.

Makes sense
*The Supreme Court said it will reconsider the Miranda warnings. They will replace the familiar; "You have the right to remain silent" with the more practical; “No, you’re not on “Cops.”

Actually, they are changing it to “Get out of the car, Rodney” (Thank you Bryan Crane)

No fun at all
In Modesto, Scott Peterson pleaded not guilty to killing his pregnant wife Laci and their unborn son. Peterson died his hair blonde, but I don’t think that in prison Peterson will find that blondes have more fun.

Peterson was arrested with dyed hair, $10,000 in cash and mere miles from the Mexican border, but he claims he was not planning to escape. Yeah, and O.J. only had that fake beard because he looked so damn good in it.

No, Peterson wasn't trying to escape, he was looking for the real killers with O.J., yeah, that's it.

On the Wild Side
*Tonight will be game seven in the playoffs between the Colorado Avalanche and the Minnesota Wild. Incidentally, if you’re not a big hockey fan, the Minnesota Wild is an expansion team, it is not an unsuccessful Prince movie.

What kind of silly name is Wild for a professional sports team? Was Sassy already taken?

And the winner is . . .
*The top five spots in the Boston marathon all went to Kenyans. In other shocking sports news, the New York Yankees played a baseball game.

I’m starting to think that these Kenyans might make pretty good runners.

Why do they bother to hold men’s marathons? Why not pick three Kenyan names out of a hat and mail them the medals?

What was the name of the Boston Marathon Kenyan winner? I think it was Ibetchya Cantcare.

What was the name of the first American finisher in the Boston Marathon? We’re not sure, he hasn’t finished yet.

(Thanks folks, I’ll be here all weak, err, week. Try the veal)

Since you asked:

Blockbuster Video is evil. I despise Blockbuster Video. As in I have the kind of hate for Blockbuster that the French and the Iraqi people have for us.

In an era of notoriously lousy service personnel - in general the level of customer service seems to be headed in the direction of the Department of Motor Vehicles - Blockbuster has managed to stand out. The employees are snottier than Starbucks coffee jockeys and lazier than information operators (By the way, all information operators do now is push one button on a computer and they still manage to mess that up)

You cannot be hired as a Blockbuster employee unless you are not only snotty, lazy, rude and unmotivated - although all of those qualities help - but a true Blockbuster employee must also be cruel and sadistic toward the paying clients. That's why they always help the people who call first instead of the people who actually go to the trouble of coming in. (That and the Blockbuser employees and the people who call in both belong to some secret society of lazy people)

Ever ask one of the employees at the super market where an item is? They literally drop whatever they are doing and hold your hand and guide you to that item, no matter how much you ask them not to bother. Never in history has a Blockbuster employee ever shifted it's lazy butt from behind the counter to find a video or a DVD.

Sadism can be the only explanation why, when the line for the cashiers is at it's longest, at least one or two of Blockbuster cashiers take a break. Meanness is the only justification for the glee the Blockbuster employee gets in his eyes and voice when telling you of your exorbitant late fee.

Once I had to go out of town suddenly for a death in the family and I left a Blockbuster video in my car. Did the compassionate employees of Blockbuster let the late fee slide when I explained this? They laughed when I asked them to. For all they know it could have been my twin brother who died – it wasn't – and they still would have laughed and said no.

If anyone who works for, or used to work for Blockbuster, is reading this and is offended? Good. Now pay me a twenty dollar late fee, you little snotty dweeb. How does it feel?