Friday, April 25, 2003

We got mad crazy-ass skilz, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers

If you’ll be my Dixie Chick, I’ll be your Tennessee lamb . . .
The Dixie Chicks appear nude on the cover of “Entertainment Magazine.” They look good, but they didn’t do it to be sexy, they appeared naked because they can no longer afford to buy clothes.

Is anyone else a little tired of this Dixie Chick flap? Natalie Maines said something stupid. Let it go. If saying something stupid was a crime, Anna Nicole Smith would be on death row.

Man, can you believe the Dixie Chicks are still getting hammered with criticism? I must have missed the part where Natalie Maines revealed our troop’s positions.

On the Rivera
Between his old cheesy talk show, Al Capone’s empty vault and lying about reporting from a battle in Afghanistan, we all suspected Geraldo Rivera was kind of a jerk. But how annoying do you have to be to piss-off the entire U.S. military?

As long as Geraldo was reporting on the war Saddam Hussein wasn’t the biggest jerk in Iraq.

You know the guy is a pain. Behind his back, his co-workers call him Geraldhole.

This tears the Pope up
*Controversial “Pope picture ripper” Sinead O’Connor has announced she is retiring from the music business. What a shock. I thought she had already retired.

Next thing you know Debbie Gibson will announce she has retired from the music business.

Don’t you have to be working somewhere in order to retire?

Who cares if Sinead O’Connor retires? Now if Celine Dion, Yanni and John Tesh retired, now that would be good news.

*O.J. Simpson might have a reality television show in the works. When asked if it was true he may host a show, Simpson said; “I may take a stab at it.”

In other words
*President Bush is ready to give a speech to declare the war in Iraq over. Or as our soldiers call Iraq: The Automated Teller Machine.

Goodest Righting
*According to a report by the National Commission on Writing in America's Schools, students finish high school without the ability to write in a sophisticated, precise or engaging fashion. Asked to comment, one Beverly Hills high school student disagreed saying; “Like, that is, like, totally so, whatever.”

That certainly weren't are true my writing. I writery real goodly.

I find it hard to believe that high school students wouldn’t be more verbally adroit, what with the current lyrically literate music influences of Britney Spears, Fifty Cent and Eminem.

Royal Flush
*Customers at the Sky Port diner near Schenectady, NY created a sling for a goldfish after it fell ill and had difficulty swimming. I guess a sling is one way to fix the problem. Personally, I’d have used something else: a toilet.

Thank you, Dave
More information is coming out about Uday, Saddam’s nasty son. Apparently he liked to download porn from the Internet, he drank like a fish, he had a private zoo, and he had pictures of George W. Bush’s twin daughters. As David Letterman would say, it’s like I have a twin . . . “

We all have that Attention Deficit . . . whatever
I swear there is a national epidemic of A.D.D. Did you hear the big news story today? Angelina Jolie got a new tattoo on her back. Yeah. Oh, and stuff happened over in that Iraq place, blah blah.