Wednesday, April 23, 2003

Street-slang question: Is bathroom a shizzle hizzy, Torn Slatterns and Nugget Ranchers?

What about Barry Manilow?
*Rick Santorum, the Senate's third-ranked Republican, is under fire from gay-rights groups and Democrats, says he has ''no problem with homosexuality - I have a problem with homosexual acts.'' He doesn’t like homosexual acts? I guess he’s not a big Siegfried and Roy fan.

*In a surprise move, France backed immediate suspension of U.N. sanctions against Iraq, meeting the United States half way. In fact, if this keeps up, France could become a supportive, respected and crucial ally of the United States. Nah. Just kidding. France still sucks.

Congratulations, it’s not a geezer
*Michael Douglass and Katherine Zeta-Jones had a baby boy. The delivery wasn’t easy: When the contractions hit, Katherine had to push harder than an agent getting Susan Sarandon a movie role.

There was an embarrassing moment in the delivery room when the nurse handed Michael Douglass the baby and said; “Congratulations Grandpa.”

Everyone’s doing fine but there is going to be a lot of diaper changing for a while. And besides Michael Douglass, the baby also needs a lot of attention.

Que Sarandon sara
*Anti-War actress Susan Sarandon’s Sunday CBS movie “Ice Bound” finished dead last and had horrible ratings. Look for Sarandon’s next TV movie; “Kick Saddam’s Butt.”

Asked to comment on the dismal ratings, Sarandon said; “Did I say I was anti-war? No, I meant I am anti-whore, that’s it, I’m against legal prostitution.”

*In a 7-2 loss to the Chicago Cubs, San Diego Padres pitcher Brian Lawrence tied a major league record of hitting three people in one inning. In fact, Lawrence hit more people than a drunken Chicago White Sox fan.

Too bad
*On a sad note, Charles Douglass, the inventor of the laugh track died. He will be missed, especially by the cast of “Friends.”

Since you asked:

Tim Robbins, Susan Sarandon and Madonna have said that it is both tragic and “un-American” that they are being hurt professionally for their anti-war political opinions. Oh, they were real close on that, except that they are horribly wrong on both counts: it is neither a tragedy nor is it un-American.

Since September 11th, we are all in agreement ( or as another celebrity political genius Fred Durst said: in agreeance) of what constitutes a tragedy, and the diminished popularity of a millionaire celebrity doesn't fit the category of tragedy. It doesn't even make it to bummer.

In addition to hilariously over-stating the importance their careers have on our country, apparently those political geniuses Robbins, Sarandon and Madonna, have the words democracy and dictatorship completely reversed:

In Iraq, Saddam Hussein forced people at gunpoint to attend a horrible play he once wrote. In America, we have the freedom to choose to not see performers whom we don't like, for whatever reason we don’t like them.

But Madonna, Robbins and Sarandon should keep trying; as much as they love to vent their opinions to the media, they are bound to eventually be right on something.

I love the smell of self-martyred celebrities* in the morning. It reminds me of . . . arrogant stupidity.

*I almost made the huge mistake of labeling Madonna a movie star. That would be like calling the Iraqi Minister of Information a soothsayer.